Chasing Baby Mayr

- Cycle 19 Reflections
  
  Posted at 8:54 pm by amayr1984, on May 25, 2019
  
  As time has moved on in this journey, so have I emotionally.
  
  The fervor and passion has died down in me significantly as other life concerns mount themselves in the way of my infertility.
  
  Back in the private sector on poverty wages, my bills don’t seem to add up to my dreams anymore. I work three jobs, two of which are on the low wage end and it is devastating how poor I am now compared to the prosperity I had at the one job that wrongfully terminated me. I do wish feverishly to have that security back in funds if nothing else but I absolutely do NOT miss the stress of that place. But having these financial issues is so new and unsettling for me it has taken my focus off of trying to get pregnant.
  
  I do work at Starbucks now and have logged about 4 shifts so far, most of which have been training. I have my practice shift tomorrow and I am already considering how I can get more hours so I can speed up the insurance process and probably the few extra dollars it will bring will be good as well but it really does not pay much. The time I an investing is for the ultimate goal of having children. But I must figure out how to survive this realistic low wage existence that I have now. I also have a job in the banking industry that is part time that I hope to turn into a career. I will have to invest time in order to get that to happen I know but I am willing. If I can even get to part time in that area that would help tremendously. Right now being underemployed and underpaid is very scary.
  
  Infertility was once my worst fear and now it has been replaced in line. Don’t get me wrong I am still invested. I did some ritualistic things this cycle and tomorrow I have my IUI which I am nervous about. Everything so far has failed it is hard to hope that this will work. And because money is tight we don’t have much to try it more than once or twice. Probably once. I don’t know if I can handle anymore heartbreak. If from there it doesn’t work then I will make getting the insurance at Starbucks my focus so that we can try IVF this year. That’s all the options I have and that we can likely afford at this point. That is our reality. This is something we are really relying on to work.
  
  I had two 20 CM follicles and I triggered last night. We did have sex and it was a lot of work cuz I was so tired and had to get up at 4:15am to get ready for Starbucks even. But we always give it our best shot. We have for months now. At some point all of this does have to pay off. Somehow.
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged Black Infertility, Black motherhood, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Fears, Infertility, Insemination, IUI, Minimum Wage, Poverty, Struggle
- Cycle 18 Failed So Happy Early Still Not A Mother’s Day To Me
  
  Posted at 12:33 am by amayr1984, on May 12, 2019
  
  Life is not getting any easier and neither is infertility
  
  I have felt so challenged lately dealing with all the changes in my life. Going from being financially pretty free with my money to being tight and counting every single penny has been rough on me. Not having that financial flexibility I once had I have to say is very humbling. I have done so many things I thought I’d never have to do like odd jobs babysitting last week (which I loved! Great girls actually) and now working minimum wage jobs.
  
  Soon I’ll be a Starbucks IVF hopeful. I start there on May 20th. The pay is 9.50 an hour so not great and I’ll basically be expecting to use the majority of that to get the insurance that it will take to cover becoming a mother. I never expected to be on this path but I had planned for the possibility which is why I had been applying since last December. It just so happened I got contacted just in time that it will overlap a little with my elementary school job but not for more than a few weeks. And I could use the extra money after what I had to pay to get my car serviced. Heck I could just use the extra money. It hasn’t been easy to maintain these few months.
  
  It hasn’t been easy to stay happy either though I must admit most of this cycle I didn’t get myself worked up. I took my medications. I drank my smoothies here and there. I avoided eating out of plastics and touching receipts and I have resumed working out with weight lifting five days a week. I am going to get the rest of this weight off. You’ll see.
  
  But I had to take my test today and I got another big fat negative. And it still hurt. I came home feeling defeated after getting a huge service bill for my car and I am going to need new brakes and a new windshield coming up so that is going to let up for me very soon. I came home to my husband who for the most part has been better but is still sleeping a lot of not very active. I have talked to him about perhaps his depression meds aren’t working but I don’t know if I am getting anywhere with that with him. But he hasn’t worked any overtime the past few days and I was frustrated to see he hasn’t done anything around the house. Everyday I come home from work and the place is messy and he isn’t doing anything. When he is working a lot of overtime I don’t care and typically I don’t care that much as I prefer to clean up myself the way I like to. However today it just got on my nerves and I felt very hopeless.
  
  I said I wasn’t going to stress out so I went upstairs laid down and took a good nap and cried. I let go of all the stress of this last cycle in that nap. I just wanted to escape and find peace. I’ll clean up when I get up I said. Then I got up and I was so hungry. I had only had coffee and cookies at the dealership so I had a bowl of cereal which I barely wanted to finish. I’ll drink some of my shake later on. Try to finish it off even though it can be pretty gag worthy at times. But I want to get the house pretty clean and then wash my hair and prepare to journey home to Flint to see my mother.
  
  I look forward to seeing my mother as I believe that she can help me through this pain and I do want to spend as much time with her as possible. I don’t look forward to the drive there and back. I really prefer to have my weekends for relaxing but I will certainly take what I can get from emotional support from my family.
  
  This journey is continuing to be lonely. I fight ahead for strength and protection on this and mostly for hope. I fight to keep hoping. That is not easy. It won’t get any easier I don’t imagine either but I fight for it just the same. I don’t want to give up but part of me is trying to mentally prepare myself for the possibility that motherhood will skip me.
  
  My husband and I don’t have very much sex spontaneously and I am not getting any younger. I’ll be 35 this year. Time is not on my side. Money is slowly not really being on my side. I don’t know what else I can do to make things smoother for us and how I can make myself healthier. I eat a lot better and I exercise and I make sure I get my fruits and vegetables but still the struggle remains.
  
  This next cycle will be injectables and an IUI. I do hope it is successful. I do hope we have a shot at this more than ever. I am tired. More tired than I have ever been and I don’t think being tired goes away.
  
  | 0 Comments
- Cycle 17 Cycle Day 21: The Yellow Nursery Has Begun
  
  Posted at 8:00 pm by amayr1984, on April 7, 2019
  
  No I am still not pregnant that I know of.
  
  I am 7 DPO in my two week wait and on Prometrium which is a brand of progesterone and that has been an experience to say the least. Mostly it has been being clammy at night and crazy dreams that are sexual and bizarre in every way. It’s awkward because I have to vaginally insert them and I had no real side effects beyond those first two until today where I became really crampy. But other than that I remain kind of meh about if I am pregnant or not. It remains a long journey and I am just used to disappointment.
  
  The easy week of the Two Week Wait is over now and I will again enter into the crazy spell where I will have mood swings every day up until I test about if I am pregnant or not. This I can’t seem to help and it always comes with the second week. Maybe the hormone shifts make the experience more intense. Can’t say for sure but I know it is coming like clock work.
  
  And because I am on progesterone inserts I have to test before my period is to come so I can quit them two days before and allow it to come. I am certainly not looking forward to that as I am an absolute wreck when I take those tests and get BFNs. But I have to bear it all in this quest to be a mother.
  
  Time is truly rolling on. In a couple days it will be the anniversary of my chemical pregnancy. I remember that like it was yesterday getting that super faint positive and thinking this was it and then taking another test a couple days later and there was nothing and then getting my period. One of the most concussing and devastating experiences of my life and I believe it kicked off my hormonal imbalance that has finally been righted by my doctors. The weight is falling off of me now and my skin and hair look amazing. If nothing this journey has gotten me back to a physically healthy place where I belong I believe. For that I am certainly grateful.
  
  The other day I decided to work on painting the room our eventual baby will be in after putting it off for over a year and a half since we first thought of the idea that we wanted to try to have children. I thought it would jinx us but life sort of did that anyway so why not? I chose a vibrant yellow and honestly it will take a few coats to get this blue in here covered. I should have painted it white first but I didn’t think of that. It hasn’t been as fun to do as I anticipated. I always think painting will be fun for some reason then the real work of it sets in and I’m like whhaattt was I thinking? Today I’m at that stage and about out of paint with about 1/3 of the room left. I’ll grab another gallon next week and finish it. For now I am going to go have lunch and then maybe take a nap before I move on to cleaning the bathroom.
  
  I’m going to enjoy this last relaxing day before the crazy week starts
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged Black Infertility, Black Women Trying To Conceive, CYCLE 17, Infertility, Nursery, Trying To Conceive, Trying To Get Pregnant, TTC
- Cycle 17 Day 14: Gonal F, Letrozole, The Fertility Diet, It Starts With The Egg and Hope
  
  Posted at 3:19 am by amayr1984, on April 1, 2019
  
  I never ever ever imagined when I started out I would be this far in and baby less. It doesn’t get any easier to consider either how long we have been at this and how far I have no become invested.
  
  I am on the injectables now. This is an all encompassing experience. I have to do like 2-3 ultrasounds a cycle, and I get to give myself injections at least 7 days out of my cycle. I still have to take all of the medications I have been taking and Letrozole is back (thank God! Less side effects) and the Clomid is gone. I had a great follicle reading. 4 that were likely going to mature and release. They warned me about multiples but internally I laughed.
  
  You’ve said that before. And we haven’t had a baby. So I’m not scared. The only thing I don’t want is Aunt Flow again. Give me anything else in a health baby or 3. I just want my baby or babies. I’ll take them. You can’t scare me.
  
  We didn’t do SMEP all the way as husband wasn’t feeling it much. He could only go two of the three days we needed this time but at least it was the two most important. I think I ovulated today and we covered Friday and late last night as well. Today we tried but his spirit just wasn’t in it. I just hope it is enough. I always feel better when we get all of they days covered because at least I know we did our best. But at this point I have learned there is no reason to even bother getting upset if we can’t do all the days. People have gotten pregnant off of one roll in the hay. It’s all timing after you get all the other kinks worked out or if you’re lucky to have no kinks at all. We just have to hope our timing is best for once. Just for once.
  
  I read It Starts With The Egg finally and I am going to cut my BPA exposure. I started cleaning with gloves on and eventually I am going to switch to more natural cleaning products. I purchased a ton of glass storage containers that I am going to pick up from Macy’s when they come in and start using instead of plastic and I am more diligent about checking to make sure things I use are advertised as BPA free. But mostly I am trying to stick to glass an paper and also trying not to touch too many receipts. There is a lot to remember but if I can do all of that an improve my egg quality then perhaps I will get pregnant with my baby finally. And if I get pregnant soon then it is good not to expose the baby to a lot of BPA as well anyway. It is a win win.
  
  Along with that I have opted for the fertility diet except I cannot bring myself to drink whole milk. I will stick with almond milk and hope for the best. We got a blender so what I can’t stand to eat which is most vegetables and avocados will be blended up with fruit and I will get it that way. Happy to say so far I have been doing pretty good about eating what I am supposed to (no red meat and no white bread. Lots of vegetables and fruit. Nuts etc) though I have been snacking on candy a bit too much at my new job trying to stay awake while in training with those powerpoints.
  
  I remain focused on my goal and hopeful a lot of months of injections and nothing are not ahead for us. My husband is wearing out I feel and it is wearing on our marriage. Likewise I am becoming listless about the experience at this point because it is so hard to try everything and come up with nothing and you see people trying nothing and winding up with a baby. It’s just such a frustrating and lonely experience and you just obsess even as you lose enthusiasm. I will never ever give up hope for our baby and never stop chasing him or her I just hope the end is near. I am not sure how many more cycles I can take of this same old thing.
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged BPA, Chasing Baby Mayr, Letrozole, OVulation, The Fertility Diet, Trying To Conceive
- Cycle 16 Day 27: Injectable Medications Arrived With Another Big Fat Negative
  
  Posted at 7:08 pm by amayr1984, on March 15, 2019
  
  I don’t know how I have survived any of this past almost year and a half of constant and monthly disappointment.
  
  I don’t know how much it has changed me and probably not for the better. I feel perpetually depressed around the same place in my cycle every month and I cannot escape the pain. There are no tricks
  
  My husband got angry with me this morning because I told him I couldn’t eat for 30 minutes after taking my Levothyroxine. He claims I snapped at him and then when I asked him if he was okay he told me smartly he’d tell me in 30 minutes. That hurt and felt so unnecessary. I asked him why he was acting like that and tried to blame it on me and said I am always turning stuff around on him. That morning before I came downstairs I had already witnessed my temperature drop on my Ava so I was already feeling low. So I cried on the way to work because my husband is a mean person is what I was feeling. If he feels like someone is being mean to him, he hits back. He doesn’t try to find out what’s going on with the person or understand where they are coming from…he just hits back. And I didn’t need to be hit today. I actually never do. And I started believing again that the reason I can’t get pregnant is that we are not meant to be anyone’s parents because we do not have enough trust and compatibility to get along. I don’t know if these are poisonous thoughts of a person struggling with infertility of the thoughts of a wife who is fed up of fighting about nothing period. Anyway I cried all the way to work…
  
  When I arrived I managed to pull myself together enough for working with the kids. Recess was indoors that day and I was able to read some 0f the nice projects kids made for their families hanging on the wall. One project was pots of gold that were hanging up on the wall and the kids wrote who were worth more than gold to them. Many said their teachers or their parents and it made me tear up reading about how much these kids loved these people.
  
  At lunch my back was aching because I will probably get my period today or tomorrow. I was back and forth to different tables and sitting down in between because of the ache. It didn’t stop all day and one of the other supervisors who was working came over and demanded to know why I was sitting down. Now I never knew sitting down was an issue as each time I sat down it was at a table with some of the kids anyway and just for a couple of minutes. She told me they were not paying me to sit down and I needed to be walking around the tables. I told her my back hurt and she told me if I have a disability I need to let someone know. It was so cold and thoughtless and after my highly unnecessary row with my husband I felt like I was being picked on today. I kept my mouth shut afterwards and decided I was not talking to that lady every again. I was wondering if I got another job offer if I would take it because I do love working with the kids though it doesn’t pay much. But after that incident of nastiness I think that I would. There wasn’t any warmth towards me or what I was expressing was going on towards me.
  
  Warmth and understanding would go so far. When I got home I took my test because I had thought it over and I knew with the medication having arrived I was best to get my mind fixed on if I was gonna be a pin cushion or not.
  
  And pin cushion it is.
  
  I was going to add in the negative test but there are enough of those through the blogs. From then on I cried and cried and cried until I could just see enough to write this post. I am in a dark place. I am always in a dark place in this time and I feel so very alone. I do not feel like I have anyone I can lean on in support really and I’m sick of telling everybody about it and getting useless words of comfort. Even on the Facebook groups. I’m sick of it.
  
  I just want to be pregnant and I don’t want to have to keep going through all of this stuff over and over and over again. And I have seen so many people who are posting birth and pregnancy announcements and me I am posting nothing but more money and doctors bills and more hurt. HURT HURT HURT.
  
  BEING INFERTILE FUCKING HURTS. I just wish my writing were good enough to let you know how it feels to have your heart ripped out once a month over and over again and have no one treat you kindly while you’re struggling with the absolute worst struggle. To have your husband turn on you because you rejected his offer of cereal and to have a person who isn’t even your boss basically tell you you’re being lazy on the job because you sat down at a table with some kids because your back hurt.
  
  If I could make you guys understand how painful and useless I feel with everything that has happened to me in the past few months I would maybe see a bright side to any of this.
  
  But I can’t. I have to run this race again. I have to. And right now I don’t even know if I really want anymore. I don’t know if the universe is ever going to allow me to have a baby. I’m 34. And my husband and I aren’t getting along anyway. Do I even deserve a baby? Is that it? Is that why I can’t fall pregnant?
  
  I feel I will never know the answer. So I will just cry.
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged Big Fat Negative, Clomid Cycle, Clomid fail, Infertility, Marital Strife, Never Pregnant, Ovidrel, Pain, Suffering, Two Week Wait, TWW, Work problems
- Cycle 16 Day 22: The Second Week of the Two Week Wait Never Gets Any Easier
  
  Posted at 9:28 pm by amayr1984, on March 10, 2019
  
  Yes. Y’all are gonna have to respect my journey.
  
  Hell I have had to learn to accept it. And part of that journey is me freaking out over every symptom quietly during the last week of my cycle hoping to be pregnant but afraid to…ya know…REALLY HOPE that I am pregnant. It is the hardest part of this whole journey besides CD1.
  
  You did the work.
  
  You took the medications.
  
  You charted your life away.
  
  And maybe you’ll be pregnant finally and maybe you’ll be disappointed all over again. You only want the pregnancy outcome, of course. But you don’t want to not be emotionally prepared for the disappointment.
  
  I mean there’s really no way to know you are pregnant and at this point I have given up with knowing. I try not to symptom spot and I don’t take any of them seriously but I do get nervous if say my breasts aren’t a certain level of sore or my temperature isn’t that high. I don’t know why because none of it really means anything but I guess when you want something this bad you are going to obsess over it some what logic be damned.
  
  Every other week there is something to do. Especially if you are on a medicated cycle. And by the first week you are happy for a break from the timed sex etc so that time doesn’t seem so daunting I believe.
  
  But this week when you are waiting to take a test…so close to finding out if you are maybe pregnant…this is the hardest week and I just dread having to experience it month after month after month.
  
  I saw another pregnancy announcement today on Facebook and I thought…Stupid Stork…when is it going to be MY turn? How much more will I have to invest and put into this process to get my baby? How many more races will I have to run?
  
  That’s how it feels. There is no exact number of times I will have to try this before I am successful. There is no exact number of two week waits last weeks that I will have to survive. I know I will survive them though but I don’t know how much longer I have to go on. And that in itself can be such a despairing experience.
  
  I hope for this every cycle…you can read back if you don’t believe me. But I hope this is it. I hope I am finally pregnant. I hope I will not become a complete nut the rest of this week emotionally. I can’t guarantee it but I hope.
  
  I don’t think I will test this cycle despite what my RE wants. I think I will wait until my period comes and then schedule my appointments. When I call with the negative test anyway all they tell me is to call back when my period starts so it seems like a waste no matter which way you slice it. It may be better for my sanity that way. So no one lined window for me this cycle either way it goes.
  
  Let’s just hope I can make it through this week in peace.
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged Ava Bracelet, Black Infertility, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Clomid Cycle, Days Post Ovulation, Infertility, Last Week, Trying to Concieve, Two Week Wait
- Cycle 16 Day 16: Tamron Hall Is Pregnant! Another Reason To Want To Be Tamron Hall!
  
  Posted at 8:48 pm by amayr1984, on March 4, 2019
  
  For some reason this blog will only let me hyperlinks pictures now and not let me upload them so I can’t post the picture of her but I am sure you have all seen it.
  
  Pregnant at 48 and beautiful and glowing! I am so happy for her. And somewhat hopeful for me. The journey is long and hard for so many of us but there is victory at the end for many of us too. We just never know when it is. I am sure she didn’t know that this is how things would turn out for her looking at the long term picture long ago…but here she is. Happy and about to bring her baby into the world. I can’t say again how wonderful it is.
  
  I do wish it were me. I am feeling more energetic now that I am past ovulation I assume. I think I ovulated the day before but it is hard to say because charts are difficult to make much of when you triggered ovulation yourself. I’ll say yesterday because that would be 36 hours after my trigger and move from there and say today I am 1DPO.
  
  I can still feel the hcg in my system as my nipples and the sides of my breasts hurt. Knowing that that is something I feel with hcg in my system I will keep that in mind as a possible pregnancy symptom for the future. I won’t get my hopes up too much but I will be realistic about the possibility. I am hoping that it worked.
  
  We did SMEP again but we again had to resort to the Diva Cup insemination move the last two days. That is becoming a pattern and I wonder if it is a lot of pressure on my husband. I try to be sensitive about it because TTC is hard on both of us but I also did feel impatient the first day it happened because I don’t like having to give myself shots etc so I just want this to work and don’t want any hiccups. But I have to say we both did our best. That’s all we can really give is our best. So hopefully our best paid off.
  
  I’m going to try to only blog during this Two Week Wait when I am having bad feelings I need to get out. Usually that is at the 7DPO mark and onward that I struggle the most.
  
  I am hoping we caught you this cycle Baby Mayr. And that is we caught you you will stay with us and join us in the physical realm. We love you already.
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged Post Ovulation, Pregnancy, Sperm Meets Egg, Tamron Hall, Trigger Shot, Two Week Wait
- Cycle 16 Day 15: Is It The Drugs Or Is It My Heart?
  
  Posted at 7:04 pm by amayr1984, on March 3, 2019
  
  Marriage and infertility are struggles in their own right and complicated because for many of us they are tired together.
  
  When your marriage is not thriving and you’re also struggling to get pregnant it can feel like the whole world is against you in the time when you need the most support in the world.
  
  I can’t say there is anything dramatically wrong with my marriage right now except the lack of trust I have with my husband about money that is very rightfully earned on his part. It makes me question this whole having kids thing sometimes that he still seems so committed to other things that are selfish parts of his life before we met including his bad spending habits and inability to say when with money. It’s continued while he has a wife, will it continue if we have kids? Should I not be trying to have kids right now because of it? Am I overreacting about the whole thing.
  
  Granted all of this is so MUCH scarier now that I have lost my job. It is the scariest place I have been in a great long time and we haven’t stopped trying to get pregnant because it has been such a struggle so far. Even in the good times it has been just that…a struggle. We are approaching a year and a half of trying and I am not getting any younger at 34. I don’t have time to parse all of this out or take a break if I really wanted to do so. I just feel I have to keep on trying and just keep working on the other stuff. I have to keep hoping that my husband who doesn’t seem to have a rock bottom with money to me will listen to me about this issue and entrust me to handle it because I am so much better than he is with it and not impulsive. I would care less if he was not the only income but now that he is my survival depends on his behaviors far more. And if I were to get pregnant so would the survival of this baby.
  
  When things are going badly like this with money, when the trust is eroded…I feel very distant from my husband and I hate it. I cannot be sure though if that is not the hormones of all the drugs I have experienced these past few days or if that is my reality. I have had so much turbulence these past few months outside of the infertility that I just crave peace so desperately.
  
  Two nights ago I gave myself my first trigger shot. I talked to my eggs. I asked them to please be released and please meet my husband’s sperm. I told then I was tired of taking medications and I don’t want to do more injectables next month which is the plan. I just want to get pregnant and start planning for a life for this child I want so very badly. Is that really so much to ask? It has been for the past few months. Everything has been so much to ask.
  
  My husband letting me do our finances has been so much to ask.
  
  My job not firing me has been so much to ask.
  
  Peace has been so much to ask. How I deserve none of this and I am to carry on just hoping and humping and hoping and humping on the infertility front is eating away at me.
  
  At one point last night I thought about quitting this whole thing. Just quitting. But how could I ever quit on the one thing I have wanted more than anything in the world. Heck I looked to get married so that I could provide a family for my children and have a life partner to help me when the times are dark. And in all but this one area my partner is with me. But I still do not feel I can go on like this much longer.
  
  I need a win. Badly.
  
  | 0 Comments
- Cycle 16 Day 12: The Fertile Window Is Here Again If You Can Call It That When You’re…Ya Know…InFertile
  
  Posted at 3:22 am by amayr1984, on March 1, 2019
  
  I’m on the Clomid again and boy does the Clomid suck. My husband and I are getting along better but not by as much as I would like. Our time in marriage counseling though I think helped some things along for us and I am hoping that with all the challenges ahead we are not going to fold like an umbrella to the pressures of the world. My husband is a good but flawed person. Honestly if he would only get his act together with money then I could probably endure the rest as he is a really good partner otherwise except for a short temper and his believe that people are out to get him even when they wish him well.
  
  But who among the trying to conceive is perfect? I have been a crying and anxious mess on Clomid and I can barely stand myself. Luckily my husband works a lot but unfortunately for me there is no vacation from the madness and many of my coping mechanisms are out the window.
  
  Still jobless I can no longer afford Fit Body Boot Camp and this week thanks to Clomid (which I am gonna call CloMAD from now on because I hate it that much) I haven’t even gone the last few days I could go. I just couldn’t make myself leave the house. The disappointment of all the rejection emails from trying to get a job just has me in a place where I don’t want to be bothered. But the reality is I NEED to be bothered. Being alone all the time with everything I am dealing with just isn’t good for me.
  
  And for a while I was doing well. I was even cooking again and pretty active about taking care of myself but with CloMAD the good days come and go just like the bad ones. I am trying very hard to be patient and positive with myself even though it feels like every little thing in my life is going wrong.
  
  I have had some wild dreams on CloMAD and I dreamed the other day of breastfeeding a beautiful baby girl. I want children so very badly and as the time and the medications tick on I am starting to lose hope. I even had a bracelet that said hope on it that I lost just this week. So that bummed me out even more.
  
  I just want a baby and I’m tired of all the hard work in life with no rewards. Filling out job applications and constantly being rejected. Struggling with weight loss. The Golden State Warriors struggling after the All Star Break (ok that is not that important but today it feels important) and my husband and I humping our lives away and dealing with my mood swings on medications and having no baby to show for it. All of it is just beyond overwhelming at this point.
  
  Where is our win? And when is it coming?
  
  Tomorrow I have my ultrasound appointment and I hope I have some follicles that are close to mature. I hope I have 60 of them. I don’t care if they say there are too many we will still have sex and try to get pregnant. I just don’t care anymore. It doesn’t seem to matter even when we do have them we do not get pregnant. I hope this time is different but it’s hard to have faith when you keep getting the same negative results as time goes on.
  
  I also have a step 3 hearing for my case of wrongful termination at work tomorrow. I don’t expect it to be overturned or anything but it’s another step in the direction of getting me my job back and that matters a great deal to me that I may finally have my name cleared of this wrongful termination that has haunted me.
  
  I don’t know where our win is coming from. But I am ready for it. That much I do know. And for the Warriors to start winning again.
  
  We are still doing Sperm Meets Egg like previously explained so wish us the best. No baby dust. That shit does not work.
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged Ava, Baby, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Fertile Week, Golden State Warriors, Infertility, Personal, Pregnancy, Sperm Meets Egg, Struggles
- Cycle 16 Day 2: Infertility Is Sadness and Emptiness Holding You Hostage With No Ransom
  
  Posted at 4:01 am by amayr1984, on February 19, 2019
  
  I’m trapped in so much pain today.
  
  As the number of cycles we have been trying racks up with the challenges of life that are building up over my head (unexpected job loss being the main one) I find myself so tired and hopeless some days. It feels stupid to keep hoping for something that has over and over shown you that it is not going to happen. People would call it being negative but being positive has netted me what exactly? Nothing. The same nothing that being negative right now has gotten me.
  
  I am not pregnant. I am not any closer to being a mother than I was last month and I don’t know if this month will get me pregnant either. I know I will trying. I know I will never stop trying but I also know that the world is continuing to move on without me and I am feeling more and more left behind and alone and not just because I haven’t gotten pregnant.
  
  Sure all my friends and my husband’s friends’ kids are all growing up while we hump along month after month and I bleed at the end and then we start over and sure the daily grind of my job has continued to move on even though I am no longer there reminding me I never mattered there either after 7.5 years of service because in the end things will still go on without you. Life, work, family…everything keeps moving forward.
  
  And how lonely for those of us who are not getting what we want out of the forward progression. How lonely for me. 16 months in trying. Why if I had gotten pregnant the first month I’d have a 6 month old by now. That’s how long we have been at this unsuccessfully. I’d probably be a happier person too.
  
  I hope I’d be a happier person. Because are there lows lower than this? I am sure there are. I’m sure pregnancy loss has to hurt way worse than this right now but right now nothing feels lower than this. Nothing feels lower than the ache and the want to be pregnant and the reality that I am not.
  
  The inability of my husband to find the right things to say and the unfair expectation that he should know what to say to me all mixes in to the quiet disappointment that is our stalled and non existent little family outside of him and me. We never wanted it to be just us two and I can’t be happy with it being just us two. I can be ok but I can never be happy with it being like this. And I don’t feel selfish or ugly in saying that because it is honest. I want 3 children. I’m 34 and I have absolutely none. And I don’t feel closer to my first one.
  
  I called my RE today and Clomid. Clomid again. I hate Clomid. But Letrozole let us down 3 good times with all the follicles we could hope for we got no baby in return. So maybe it’s time to try Clomid again.
  
  But is it ok to believe in Clomid? Is the right thing to do is believe that this could work? It would feel like it is. It would seem like it is. But then if it doesn’t work then what? Just more sadness, emptiness and loneliness. All feelings I am endlessly tired of. Trigger shot. Follicle Stimulating Hormone. All of it is in my future.
  
  And then maybe IUI later on. If we can afford it. Because now that I lost my job what we can afford has changed. The odds were already against us but now another obstacle. Now more hardship for us instead of any bit more of happiness.
  
  I don’t know what is blocking us from having a child but I despise it for doing this to me. I despise it. I hate being infertile. I hate my period. I hate cycle day 1. And cycle day 2.
  
  Tomorrow I will start Clomid and then I will hate the entire time I feel the side effects of Clomid. And then I will enjoy the Fertile Week because we will hope again. And then I will hate the Two Week Wait. I will hate the pregnancy test due on CD 12. And I will hate CD1 again possibly. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
  
  16 cycles. There is no baby dust or comfort for me. I have been stripped, ripped and chewed up by this journey and I cannot be comforted. There is not point in bothering. I am hurt and there is a gaping wound in my life that cries out for a child and that is the only thing that will heal me. A positive pregnancy test and a safe and happy and healthy pregnancy. You can keep anything else. I don’t need it.
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged 16 Cycles, Black Infertility, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Clomid, Cycle Day 2, Fertility Drugs, Hurt, Letrozole, Pain, Sadness, Trying To Conceive
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