Did I not tell you this journey was a ride in these Two Weeks?
I have been through a large range of emotions even just today. The fears of course come from knowing that test day is nearly upon me and I have had so many disappointments so far. I honestly hate that I am asked to test as apart of this new fertility program I am on. There is really nothing that seems more menacing than having that white screen with that one pink line wink back at you and your hopes. Usually after I see that one pink line I will hold the test up to the light to make sure. I will squint and a couple of times I will hopefully fool myself into seeing a second one until I tell myself to really be honest and then it is just the one white line again. Afterward I feel that twinge that tells me that Aunt Flow is coming. It’s always afterwards. Never a true warning before and so begins the despair of knowing I will get my period and the race will begin again.
So as I deal with all of this I have of course been trying to pass my time in a more relaxing and productive way. I have been successful in keeping up with Duolingo doing Spanish and Italian lessons daily. I managed to half assed do a Jillian Michael’s workout because let me tell you, I am winded trying to throw this body around. I finished the entire series on Netflix called Friends From College which I have a love and hate relationship with. The characters absolutely get on my nerves but I enjoy the show. It is very confusing but that killed enough time.
And now for the first time ever I am watching one of the DVDs of classic movies I have received from Netflix before my husband mails it back without me seeing it because I never watch them. He is right; usually I do not watch them but that is because I do not know how to use the HDMI system. He showed me yesterday and so here I am watching an old version of Wuthering Heights on DVD.
Here I am. It is funny, how I both want time to speed up til Monday and I am dreading it just the same. Because I am afraid of what always was. The negative. I have felt some confidence during this Two Week Wait that maybe things will turn out different this time but do you know this wouldn’t be the first Two Week Wait I have felt confident about either? I have had ALL of the symptoms in the past including heartburn, sore breasts, nausea, tiredness (the most common in my case haha). I have felt every sign and had nothing. It seems this Two Week Wait there really haven’t been many signs at all for me. My lab work looks great but I haven’t had the sore breasts as early as I usually do in my Two Week Wait and I haven’t experienced anything telling me I should be confident. Nothing but hope.
But as the days march on the hope almost feels like it could be a liability to hold on to because it will be mocked internally if you do not get the positive. Because it won’t be the first time you hoped. And it won’t be the last time you’ll hope. But until you get the positive you just don’t want to ride the hope elevator to the top only to be pushed out into an empty shaft when there is no positive.
I want to win the race. I am coming closer to the finish line now. I want to win and I do not want to start over again. But I must be reasonable if I lose and be prepared to do just that. To prepare for both possibilities seems contradictory to hoping as well. But I a grateful for this opportunity. These quiet times and these distractions.
Friends From College ended with a pregnancy and the moment where the character heard her child’s heart beat I teared up. I cannot wait to have such a moment. The idea that I may be very close to it right now is so invigorating.
Tomorrow for my distraction my husband and I will clean out what will be the nursery and put some things away to make room for what is to come. I do hope that my body has made room for this baby. That while we are making plans my womb is already set up. I do hope. I should not be ashamed to nor let every twinge I am experiencing in my body scare me away from that.
One phrase I hate in the Trying To Conceive Community is “You’re not out til Aunt Flow shows!” When people show up with negative tests they are told this all of the time. I suppose in some ways it is true. You can’t really be sure until then but some of us have gotten no enough times to know when the no really means no. We feel it, And once the hope has been sucked out we don’t want to be inflated again only for Aunt Flow to let us down again.
Monday I hope to finally get my two lines. If I don’t, I know I will be out. I don’t need to see Aunt Flow. Aunt First Response has not lied to me yet.