I am losing my job next Friday and it is one of the most heartbreaking and devastating experiences of mourning that I have gone through in some time. I absolutely love my job and everything that came with it except management. And so naturally, through some inaccuracies and misconceptions management is giving me the boot and I am entering the scariest part of my adult life.
I never thought I would be fired and it has thrown a wrench into my trying to conceive journey as well. Suddenly I couldn’t afford to go to acupuncture on Friday so that was gone. I was a wreck the first day after I found out and my doctor and my husband told me I had to not stress because I’m in the Two Week Wait and it is bad for me but who can be stress free when a whole paycheck has just evaporated into thin air the way mine is about to? I cannot be stress free. I cannot imagine how anyone can ask that of me. I need to do what I need to do and so I mourned hardcore the first two days trapped in a daze of disbelief. Cried to my mother and my husband and laid in bed watching Dynasty reruns skipping to the ones I could stomach because I am in season 7 now and it aint all good anymore.
Mostly I feel hurt to lose an amazing community of co workers and I truly enjoyed patient care. The benefits were also great. WageWorks and Priority Health are leaving me. I’m going to be entering a new territory with new struggles piled on my old struggles. And for what reason I cannot fathom. It doesn’t seem much of anything is going my way right now when I need it to most.
To make matters extra dramatic the day I test is the day I get to go in and officially get fired. So if I have a BFN of course that is really going to add to the depression of the day.
And if I have a BFP I will have some uncertainty but at the very least at least I will have some hope. More than any other month I hope I finally get my BFP. That something finally goes my way.
I have not ridden the emotional rollercoaster about my body as much this go round because I have other bigger things to worry about and endless jobs to apply for. I have so much other stuff on my mind that it hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind that I could finally become a mom or get two slaps in the face on the same day. My number one focus is applying for any and every job under the sun I can get my hands on.
I know and believe I will be vindicated in the long run and my name will be cleared. I believe that. I just don’t know what to make of the times ahead.
The new medications they expect me to take sound crappy if I am not pregnant this go round. Clomid and Ovidrel and Prometrium and there was a complicated schedule and calendar to it all…it’s only gonna get more twisted from here and we aren’t even talking IUI at this point. No we are talking about a whole bunch of shots just to do timed intercourse yet again. I don’t want that for myself. At age 34 the idea of stacking on more and more and more is just taxing.
Talking to my husband’s sister in law last night she said she and her husband plan to start trying in April. I hope their journey is much speedier than ours but I won’t lie that I would likely be jealous if they have the first child after we have been struggling along for such a while. I’ll be happy for them but disappointed of us.
But I am hopeful I am wrong this go round and that things are certainly going to work out in our favor. As I move forward with trying to piece my life back together I am going to try to seek more positive energy because I have seen some of the most negative things between the death of my father a couple years ago, my fertility struggles and the sudden loss of my job. I haven’t led a bad life and have usually gotten what I wanted so these last few years have truly been shockers. I can only hope for the best that they will get better and that happiness is around the corner and not more sadness.
I do not even know where we are in the race this time because I’m so focused on so many other things. But we will see what happens. Soon enough