Marriage and infertility are struggles in their own right and complicated because for many of us they are tired together.
When your marriage is not thriving and you’re also struggling to get pregnant it can feel like the whole world is against you in the time when you need the most support in the world.
I can’t say there is anything dramatically wrong with my marriage right now except the lack of trust I have with my husband about money that is very rightfully earned on his part. It makes me question this whole having kids thing sometimes that he still seems so committed to other things that are selfish parts of his life before we met including his bad spending habits and inability to say when with money. It’s continued while he has a wife, will it continue if we have kids? Should I not be trying to have kids right now because of it? Am I overreacting about the whole thing.
Granted all of this is so MUCH scarier now that I have lost my job. It is the scariest place I have been in a great long time and we haven’t stopped trying to get pregnant because it has been such a struggle so far. Even in the good times it has been just that…a struggle. We are approaching a year and a half of trying and I am not getting any younger at 34. I don’t have time to parse all of this out or take a break if I really wanted to do so. I just feel I have to keep on trying and just keep working on the other stuff. I have to keep hoping that my husband who doesn’t seem to have a rock bottom with money to me will listen to me about this issue and entrust me to handle it because I am so much better than he is with it and not impulsive. I would care less if he was not the only income but now that he is my survival depends on his behaviors far more. And if I were to get pregnant so would the survival of this baby.
When things are going badly like this with money, when the trust is eroded…I feel very distant from my husband and I hate it. I cannot be sure though if that is not the hormones of all the drugs I have experienced these past few days or if that is my reality. I have had so much turbulence these past few months outside of the infertility that I just crave peace so desperately.
Two nights ago I gave myself my first trigger shot. I talked to my eggs. I asked them to please be released and please meet my husband’s sperm. I told then I was tired of taking medications and I don’t want to do more injectables next month which is the plan. I just want to get pregnant and start planning for a life for this child I want so very badly. Is that really so much to ask? It has been for the past few months. Everything has been so much to ask.
My husband letting me do our finances has been so much to ask.
My job not firing me has been so much to ask.
Peace has been so much to ask. How I deserve none of this and I am to carry on just hoping and humping and hoping and humping on the infertility front is eating away at me.
At one point last night I thought about quitting this whole thing. Just quitting. But how could I ever quit on the one thing I have wanted more than anything in the world. Heck I looked to get married so that I could provide a family for my children and have a life partner to help me when the times are dark. And in all but this one area my partner is with me. But I still do not feel I can go on like this much longer.
I need a win. Badly.