Life is not getting any easier and neither is infertility
I have felt so challenged lately dealing with all the changes in my life. Going from being financially pretty free with my money to being tight and counting every single penny has been rough on me. Not having that financial flexibility I once had I have to say is very humbling. I have done so many things I thought I’d never have to do like odd jobs babysitting last week (which I loved! Great girls actually) and now working minimum wage jobs.
Soon I’ll be a Starbucks IVF hopeful. I start there on May 20th. The pay is 9.50 an hour so not great and I’ll basically be expecting to use the majority of that to get the insurance that it will take to cover becoming a mother. I never expected to be on this path but I had planned for the possibility which is why I had been applying since last December. It just so happened I got contacted just in time that it will overlap a little with my elementary school job but not for more than a few weeks. And I could use the extra money after what I had to pay to get my car serviced. Heck I could just use the extra money. It hasn’t been easy to maintain these few months.
It hasn’t been easy to stay happy either though I must admit most of this cycle I didn’t get myself worked up. I took my medications. I drank my smoothies here and there. I avoided eating out of plastics and touching receipts and I have resumed working out with weight lifting five days a week. I am going to get the rest of this weight off. You’ll see.
But I had to take my test today and I got another big fat negative. And it still hurt. I came home feeling defeated after getting a huge service bill for my car and I am going to need new brakes and a new windshield coming up so that is going to let up for me very soon. I came home to my husband who for the most part has been better but is still sleeping a lot of not very active. I have talked to him about perhaps his depression meds aren’t working but I don’t know if I am getting anywhere with that with him. But he hasn’t worked any overtime the past few days and I was frustrated to see he hasn’t done anything around the house. Everyday I come home from work and the place is messy and he isn’t doing anything. When he is working a lot of overtime I don’t care and typically I don’t care that much as I prefer to clean up myself the way I like to. However today it just got on my nerves and I felt very hopeless.
I said I wasn’t going to stress out so I went upstairs laid down and took a good nap and cried. I let go of all the stress of this last cycle in that nap. I just wanted to escape and find peace. I’ll clean up when I get up I said. Then I got up and I was so hungry. I had only had coffee and cookies at the dealership so I had a bowl of cereal which I barely wanted to finish. I’ll drink some of my shake later on. Try to finish it off even though it can be pretty gag worthy at times. But I want to get the house pretty clean and then wash my hair and prepare to journey home to Flint to see my mother.
I look forward to seeing my mother as I believe that she can help me through this pain and I do want to spend as much time with her as possible. I don’t look forward to the drive there and back. I really prefer to have my weekends for relaxing but I will certainly take what I can get from emotional support from my family.
This journey is continuing to be lonely. I fight ahead for strength and protection on this and mostly for hope. I fight to keep hoping. That is not easy. It won’t get any easier I don’t imagine either but I fight for it just the same. I don’t want to give up but part of me is trying to mentally prepare myself for the possibility that motherhood will skip me.
My husband and I don’t have very much sex spontaneously and I am not getting any younger. I’ll be 35 this year. Time is not on my side. Money is slowly not really being on my side. I don’t know what else I can do to make things smoother for us and how I can make myself healthier. I eat a lot better and I exercise and I make sure I get my fruits and vegetables but still the struggle remains.
This next cycle will be injectables and an IUI. I do hope it is successful. I do hope we have a shot at this more than ever. I am tired. More tired than I have ever been and I don’t think being tired goes away.