Chasing Baby Mayr

Tag: Baby

• Cycle 16 Day 12: The Fertile Window Is Here Again If You Can Call It That When You’re…Ya Know…InFertile

  Posted at 3:22 am by amayr1984, on March 1, 2019

  I’m on the Clomid again and boy does the Clomid suck. My husband and I are getting along better but not by as much as I would like. Our time in marriage counseling though I think helped some things along for us and I am hoping that with all the challenges ahead we are not going to fold like an umbrella to the pressures of the world. My husband is a good but flawed person. Honestly if he would only get his act together with money then I could probably endure the rest as he is a really good partner otherwise except for a short temper and his believe that people are out to get him even when they wish him well.

  But who among the trying to conceive is perfect? I have been a crying and anxious mess on Clomid and I can barely stand myself. Luckily my husband works a lot but unfortunately for me there is no vacation from the madness and many of my coping mechanisms are out the window.

  Still jobless I can no longer afford Fit Body Boot Camp and this week thanks to Clomid (which I am gonna call CloMAD from now on because I hate it that much) I haven’t even gone the last few days I could go. I just couldn’t make myself leave the house. The disappointment of all the rejection emails from trying to get a job just has me in a place where I don’t want to be bothered. But the reality is I NEED to be bothered. Being alone all the time with everything I am dealing with just isn’t good for me.

  And for a while I was doing well. I was even cooking again and pretty active about taking care of myself but with CloMAD the good days come and go just like the bad ones. I am trying very hard to be patient and positive with myself even though it feels like every little thing in my life is going wrong.

  I have had some wild dreams on CloMAD and I dreamed the other day of breastfeeding a beautiful baby girl. I want children so very badly and as the time and the medications tick on I am starting to lose hope. I even had a bracelet that said hope on it that I lost just this week. So that bummed me out even more.

  I just want a baby and I’m tired of all the hard work in life with no rewards. Filling out job applications and constantly being rejected. Struggling with weight loss. The Golden State Warriors struggling after the All Star Break (ok that is not that important but today it feels important) and my husband and I humping our lives away and dealing with my mood swings on medications and having no baby to show for it. All of it is just beyond overwhelming at this point.

  Where is our win? And when is it coming?

  Tomorrow I have my ultrasound appointment and I hope I have some follicles that are close to mature. I hope I have 60 of them. I don’t care if they say there are too many we will still have sex and try to get pregnant. I just don’t care anymore. It doesn’t seem to matter even when we do have them we do not get pregnant. I hope this time is different but it’s hard to have faith when you keep getting the same negative results as time goes on.

  I also have a step 3 hearing for my case of wrongful termination at work tomorrow. I don’t expect it to be overturned or anything but it’s another step in the direction of getting me my job back and that matters a great deal to me that I may finally have my name cleared of this wrongful termination that has haunted me.

  I don’t know where our win is coming from. But I am ready for it. That much I do know. And for the Warriors to start winning again.

  We are still doing Sperm Meets Egg like previously explained so wish us the best. No baby dust. That shit does not work.

  | 0 Comments Tagged Ava, Baby, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Fertile Week, Golden State Warriors, Infertility, Personal, Pregnancy, Sperm Meets Egg, Struggles

• CD 27: The Big Fat Negative Wins Again And The Race Resets

  Posted at 9:25 pm by amayr1984, on January 14, 2019

  

  I actually didn’t cry so very much this time. The saddest part is you get used to the pain. A callous forms and you can still feel it but less and less as time goes on. Over a year and you cannot help but harden to the constant disappointment. You cannot help but have the most agonizing negative thoughts after you have faced your dragon and been burned yet again. You cannot help but resent you body, and the people who get pregnant without trying and brag about it, and the people who will inevitably get pregnant before you do in the journey moving forward. Mostly you will resent those who will try in futility to comfort you when they know all you want is a baby, your own baby and not their meaningless words of “rah rah rah! You’ll get em next time Tiger!” Say do you know how many next times I have been through? Even the words lose their impact as the pain creates the callous. They hit the same hard spot and bounce right back off.

  So no I didn’t cry so much this time. I woke up at 4:30 am after having gotten a fairly decent night’s sleep (which should have also been a warning sign because I sleep terribly during the Two Week Wait when my temperatures are up). I checked my Ava against my better judgment and there was another temperature drop. It was still above the cover line but low enough that I knew that it wasn’t a promising sign. I lay there wondering should I just take the test now or would I even be able to fall back asleep with that looming over my head. After a while of laying there I decided to get it out of the way.

  On the long, but actually ridiculously short walk to the master bathroom I lived a thousand different moments of pregnancy test anxiety and reflection. I thought about all the times I had come to this same bathroom to get my heartbroken repeatedly this entire year and a couple of months now. I thought about the one chemical I had and how it had later been undone in that same bathroom hours later. I still hoped, because you always hope.

  When you grasp that package of First Response Early Response and you begin unwrapping it you can’t help but to hope. You want someone, anyone, or in this case anything to tell you that what you have already told yourself will be is wrong. You deserve that. I mean haven’t you suffered enough? You pull the stick out and pop the pink plastic top off and you think for a moment that there are so many people in the world who don’t even WANT those two pink lines who are going to get them this morning. There are so many people who are in the middle about what they want who will get them. Then there are those who absolutely are dying to get them like you this morning. Who have put on hold drinking, and coffee, and trips to Zika islands and have taken pills and vitamins and their entire sex lives have become timed intercourse…the fertility soldiers. We have put in work for it. And you pee on the stick and you dream that no matter what your temperature and your body is telling you…this time you are going to get what you deserve.

  This time you will get those two pink lines. You recap the test.

  You watch it develop. You watch as the moisture slides into the window and across that oval and you wait for that second line to fill in. You wait and you think of the look on your partner’s face when you tell him or her. You think of the joy you will feel and the time you will spend decorating the nursery as the moisture reaches the end of the window. You think of the baby shower and the surprised looks from friends and family when you tell them. And you think of the Facebook announcement and how you will recount your success, finally, to all the people in all those trying to conceive groups and message boards you are on. You remind yourself you will be sensitive that other people are trying so you will never start out bragging about how simple it was or it only happened in one cycle! Not you. You will remember that you were once them and you will write the most thoughtful recap of how YOU got YOUR very own…

  Big Fat Negative.

  

  And excuse me because I don’t know how to flip it around. That second line never colored. The last line, it always does. So you stare at it some more and you think maybe you see something. You trick yourself that those moments are still so very possible.

  You don’t see anything. Because there is nothing to see. There is nothing in your uterus. There will be nothing in your nursery. There will be no Facebook announcement.

  You hold the test up to the light to make sure you don’t see anything.

  Then you throw it in the trash because you want to get far away from it. Months previous you might have dug it out to just make sure there was nothing on it. But YOU, you are a veteran of infertility now. You know looking 6 more times won’t change anything. Besides you have to wash the deep conditioner out of your head that you wore over night so you can get back to your bed and have the good cry that is always in order and terrorize yourself with anger, self doubt and resentment.

  I texted my husband soon after. He called me from work and he is sick. I feel bad for him because I know he cannot help me and yet he wants to help me. I know he doesn’t even think about how not being pregnant is effecting him at all. But I wish he would. I wish he would say he is so disappointed too and thought we really did everything right and he will just be miserable if we don’t get pregnant some time soon as well. He doesn’t. He feels he has to be strong for me and listen to my feelings. But my feelings about my infertility have eaten our relationship whole. I don’t even know that he really likes me anymore because I am just so miserable all the time, who could? But that’s just me taking this out on myself isn’t it?

  It’s not my fault I am not pregnant. Logically I know this. I lay in the bed for a couple of hours after talking to my husband and I just go over in my mind all the what ifs and scenarios that would somehow make me even more miserable. If his brother and sister in law got pregnant before us after being married for a much shorter time. If we don’t get pregnant in the next 6 months. If we never get pregnant.

  What if I never get to be a mother? Why I won’t be happy. I won’t. I don’t know if I will never be happy because I can’t be if I do not become a mother or if I won’t allow that for myself because I keep repurposing this struggle into a personal failure?

  When I do finally wake up again it is 1:33pm and I cannot believe I slept so late. I had nightmares I can’t recall but none of them are as scary as the reality I face. Another month ahead.

  Another race. Will I ever catch Baby Mayr? Will it ever not hurt to get a negative pregnancy test.

  Will I ever smile and think…”well we got this next month!”

  I don’t know. I just know I don’t like riding this ride or running this race much at all. I don’t like knowing the hurt over and over and over again. I want to know victory.

  And why for me, potential victory means so much suffering.

  | 0 Comments Tagged Ava, Baby, Black motherhood, Depression, Fear, Hope, Hurt, Infertility, Motherhood, Pain, Sperm, Trying To Conceive, Trying To Get Pregnant

• Cycle Day 25: Wuthering Heights and Wavering Confidence

  Posted at 11:32 pm by amayr1984, on January 12, 2019

  Did I not tell you this journey was a ride in these Two Weeks?

  I have been through a large range of emotions even just today. The fears of course come from knowing that test day is nearly upon me and I have had so many disappointments so far. I honestly hate that I am asked to test as apart of this new fertility program I am on. There is really nothing that seems more menacing than having that white screen with that one pink line wink back at you and your hopes. Usually after I see that one pink line I will hold the test up to the light to make sure. I will squint and a couple of times I will hopefully fool myself into seeing a second one until I tell myself to really be honest and then it is just the one white line again. Afterward I feel that twinge that tells me that Aunt Flow is coming. It’s always afterwards. Never a true warning before and so begins the despair of knowing I will get my period and the race will begin again.

  So as I deal with all of this I have of course been trying to pass my time in a more relaxing and productive way. I have been successful in keeping up with Duolingo doing Spanish and Italian lessons daily. I managed to half assed do a Jillian Michael’s workout because let me tell you, I am winded trying to throw this body around. I finished the entire series on Netflix called Friends From College which I have a love and hate relationship with. The characters absolutely get on my nerves but I enjoy the show. It is very confusing but that killed enough time.

  And now for the first time ever I am watching one of the DVDs of classic movies I have received from Netflix before my husband mails it back without me seeing it because I never watch them. He is right; usually I do not watch them but that is because I do not know how to use the HDMI system. He showed me yesterday and so here I am watching an old version of Wuthering Heights on DVD.

  Here I am. It is funny, how I both want time to speed up til Monday and I am dreading it just the same. Because I am afraid of what always was. The negative. I have felt some confidence during this Two Week Wait that maybe things will turn out different this time but do you know this wouldn’t be the first Two Week Wait I have felt confident about either? I have had ALL of the symptoms in the past including heartburn, sore breasts, nausea, tiredness (the most common in my case haha). I have felt every sign and had nothing. It seems this Two Week Wait there really haven’t been many signs at all for me. My lab work looks great but I haven’t had the sore breasts as early as I usually do in my Two Week Wait and I haven’t experienced anything telling me I should be confident. Nothing but hope.

  But as the days march on the hope almost feels like it could be a liability to hold on to because it will be mocked internally if you do not get the positive. Because it won’t be the first time you hoped. And it won’t be the last time you’ll hope. But until you get the positive you just don’t want to ride the hope elevator to the top only to be pushed out into an empty shaft when there is no positive.

  I want to win the race. I am coming closer to the finish line now. I want to win and I do not want to start over again. But I must be reasonable if I lose and be prepared to do just that. To prepare for both possibilities seems contradictory to hoping as well. But I a grateful for this opportunity. These quiet times and these distractions.

  Spoiler:

  Friends From College ended with a pregnancy and the moment where the character heard her child’s heart beat I teared up. I cannot wait to have such a moment. The idea that I may be very close to it right now is so invigorating.

  Tomorrow for my distraction my husband and I will clean out what will be the nursery and put some things away to make room for what is to come. I do hope that my body has made room for this baby. That while we are making plans my womb is already set up. I do hope. I should not be ashamed to nor let every twinge I am experiencing in my body scare me away from that.

  One phrase I hate in the Trying To Conceive Community is “You’re not out til Aunt Flow shows!” When people show up with negative tests they are told this all of the time. I suppose in some ways it is true. You can’t really be sure until then but some of us have gotten no enough times to know when the no really means no. We feel it, And once the hope has been sucked out we don’t want to be inflated again only for Aunt Flow to let us down again.

  Monday I hope to finally get my two lines. If I don’t, I know I will be out. I don’t need to see Aunt Flow. Aunt First Response has not lied to me yet.

  | 0 Comments Tagged Aunt, Baby, First Time Mother, Flow, Trying To Conceive, Two Week Wait, Wait, Week

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