Chasing Baby Mayr

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  • Tag: Big Fat Negative

    • Cycle 16 Day 27: Injectable Medications Arrived With Another Big Fat Negative

      Posted at 7:08 pm by amayr1984, on March 15, 2019

      I don’t know how I have survived any of this past almost year and a half of constant and monthly disappointment.

      I don’t know how much it has changed me and probably not for the better. I feel perpetually depressed around the same place in my cycle every month and I cannot escape the pain. There are no tricks

      My husband got angry with me this morning because I told him I couldn’t eat for 30 minutes after taking my Levothyroxine. He claims I snapped at him and then when I asked him if he was okay he told me smartly he’d tell me in 30 minutes. That hurt and felt so unnecessary. I asked him why he was acting like that and tried to blame it on me and said I am always turning stuff around on him. That morning before I came downstairs I had already witnessed my temperature drop on my Ava so I was already feeling low. So I cried on the way to work because my husband is a mean person is what I was feeling. If he feels like someone is being mean to him, he hits back. He doesn’t try to find out what’s going on with the person or understand where they are coming from…he just hits back. And I didn’t need to be hit today. I actually never do. And I started believing again that the reason I can’t get pregnant is that we are not meant to be anyone’s parents because we do not have enough trust and compatibility to get along. I don’t know if these are poisonous thoughts of a person struggling with infertility of the thoughts of a wife who is fed up of fighting about nothing period. Anyway I cried all the way to work…

      When I arrived I managed to pull myself together enough for working with the kids. Recess was indoors that day and I was able to read some 0f the nice projects kids made for their families hanging on the wall. One project was pots of gold that were hanging up on the wall and the kids wrote who were worth more than gold to them. Many said their teachers or their parents and it made me tear up reading about how much these kids loved these people.

      At lunch my back was aching because I will probably get my period today or tomorrow. I was back and forth to different tables and sitting down in between because of the ache. It didn’t stop all day and one of the other supervisors who was working came over and demanded to know why I was sitting down. Now I never knew sitting down was an issue as each time I sat down it was at a table with some of the kids anyway and just for a couple of minutes. She told me they were not paying me to sit down and I needed to be walking around the tables. I told her my back hurt and she told me if I have a disability I need to let someone know. It was so cold and thoughtless and after my highly unnecessary row with my husband I felt like I was being picked on today. I kept my mouth shut afterwards and decided I was not talking to that lady every again. I was wondering if I got another job offer if I would take it because I do love working with the kids though it doesn’t pay much. But after that incident of nastiness I think that I would. There wasn’t any warmth towards me or what I was expressing was going on towards me.

      Warmth and understanding would go so far. When I got home I took my test because I had thought it over and I knew with the medication having arrived I was best to get my mind fixed on if I was gonna be a pin cushion or not.

      And pin cushion it is.

      I was going to add in the negative test but there are enough of those through the blogs. From then on I cried and cried and cried until I could just see enough to write this post. I am in a dark place. I am always in a dark place in this time and I feel so very alone. I do not feel like I have anyone I can lean on in support really and I’m sick of telling everybody about it and getting useless words of comfort. Even on the Facebook groups. I’m sick of it.

      I just want to be pregnant and I don’t want to have to keep going through all of this stuff over and over and over again. And I have seen so many people who are posting birth and pregnancy announcements and me I am posting nothing but more money and doctors bills and more hurt. HURT HURT HURT.

      BEING INFERTILE FUCKING HURTS. I just wish my writing were good enough to let you know how it feels to have your heart ripped out once a month over and over again and have no one treat you kindly while you’re struggling with the absolute worst struggle. To have your husband turn on you because you rejected his offer of cereal and to have a person who isn’t even your boss basically tell you you’re being lazy on the job because you sat down at a table with some kids because your back hurt.

      If I could make you guys understand how painful and useless I feel with everything that has happened to me in the past few months I would maybe see a bright side to any of this.

      But I can’t. I have to run this race again. I have to. And right now I don’t even know if I really want anymore. I don’t know if the universe is ever going to allow me to have a baby. I’m 34. And my husband and I aren’t getting along anyway. Do I even deserve a baby? Is that it? Is that why I can’t fall pregnant?

      I feel I will never know the answer. So I will just cry.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Big Fat Negative, Clomid Cycle, Clomid fail, Infertility, Marital Strife, Never Pregnant, Ovidrel, Pain, Suffering, Two Week Wait, TWW, Work problems
    • Cycle 15 Day 28: The Big Fat Negatives Never Get Any Easier

      Posted at 5:12 pm by amayr1984, on February 14, 2019

      There is my chart and there is my screaming Big Fat Negative. Perhaps my 10th one or so while trying to conceive as some cycles I did not even test because I got so sick of seeing them. My Reproductive Endocrinologist makes me test now though so I can’t hide from the hurt of the one line staring back at me from that window.

      The stark whiteness haunts you when you want that other pink line so badly you dream about it night after night before your test day. You want to be positive but this is where being positive hurts. Because you feel like well maybe you wouldn’t be so sad if you didn’t tell yourself “this could be my month!” even if it was quietly in the back of your mind that you told yourself.

      Maybe you would feel less ridiculous if you hadn’t dared to dream about giving your husband a great surprise on Valentine’s Day of a positive pregnancy test since you guys are so broke now thanks to your unexpected job loss that you can’t get each other real gifts. So broke when you were bringing in comfortable incomes and even that job loss feels like an injustice in itself.

      What a cruel word we live in where women who want babies wake up on Valentine’s Day to an empty uterus, one line peering back from that white window and the heartache of inadequacy and the fear of how you are going to survive these next months and continue trying to get pregnant.

      The one thing that has continued to seem so utterly impossible. The race is almost over again and I don’t see my baby, our baby, at the finish line just as I haven’t months and months before. And I do wonder why that is that I can dream of this baby and these two pink lines but they are never truly there no matter what my husband and I do.

      We are both sad today. Sad about so much. The way our lives are changing financially and now the loss yet again of what we both wanted. So sad.

      I wish I could say just hang in there and your dreams will come true today. I can’t say that because even though I will hang in there I can’t help feeling that is a lie. I can’t help feeling like I’ve been hanging in here and all I got was a faint line in April 2018 to show for it for all of my hanging. I have way more hurt.

      So the race will reset here in the next couple of days and we will try yet again. We will get injectables. I will take new medications and have new side effects and I will hope again no matter the fact that I am hurting so today.

      A Happy Valentine’s Day

      | 0 Comments Tagged Big Fat Negative, Black motherhood, Black Women Trying To Conceive, First Response Early Response, Infertility, Pain, Pregnancy Test, Trying To Conceive, Unfair
    • Cycle Day 28: Good Bye Failed Cycle. Hello New Race

      Posted at 2:11 am by amayr1984, on January 16, 2019

      And now the acceptance stage rolls around the day before my period right on time.

      I accept I am not pregnant. I have talked to a couple friends on the phone. I have purchased iron to add to my daily supplement and medications for Fertility arsenal. I made it to boot camp today again and I checked off most of the goals that I had for myself though Lord knows I have not tackled the upstairs and cleaned it like I keep lying and saying I will. (I will).

      I know that all there is to do is to try again. Most of the time I am very sane and realistic about this journey. I just started blogging in the bad spot but I am sure I will be back in that bad spot pretty soon. That’s what the picture is for. When I saw it in a Trying to Conceive group I was like “O MY GOD! That’s it!”

      That is the rollercoaster ride I am on when I am in that last week of the two week wait. Up and down. Down and up. Hopeful then pessimistic. And it’s not something I really see changing any time soon. Maybe if this takes a whole lot longer it will change or become a straight line. I would love for it to change but the past 14 months have shown me that change will not come easily.

      So as my cycle ends I consider my goals for next cycle:

      Workout 5 days a week

      Continue to eat well. Incorporate more fruit.

      Find more time to clean and organize as this is therapeutic for me and I want to get my house a certain way before I head back to work.

      Talk to your friends more. Call them. FaceTime them. Go see them.

      Ask husband to drink more water closer to Trying to Conceive time

      Try Mucinex because I didn’t seem to have a lot of cervical mucus

      We’ll see about that Diva Cup thing again. I found it weird and after one round of it not working I wouldn’t miss giving it up.

      Most importantly though: Be Kind to Yourself

      This is the lesson I will have the hardest time with as beating myself up is a reflex that I need to eliminate from my psyche period. It’s not your fault you are not getting pregnant. You are trying your best. One day it will work out.

      You are going to be an amazing mother one day. And I know you won’t be comforted in the last week of the two week wait next month reading this…but just know at the end of the rollercoaster there is peace.

      There is still hope.

      Get on your mark. Ready. Set. Go.

      Baby Mayr, I’m coming for you.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Big Fat Negative, Confidence, Journey, Menses, Motherhood, Period, Trying To Conceive, Two Week Wait, Words of Inspiration
    • Recent Posts

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      • Cycle 17 Cycle Day 21: The Yellow Nursery Has Begun
      • Cycle 17 Day 14: Gonal F, Letrozole, The Fertility Diet, It Starts With The Egg and Hope
      • Cycle 16 Day 27: Injectable Medications Arrived With Another Big Fat Negative
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