Chasing Baby Mayr

Tag: Black Infertility

• Cycle 19 Reflections

  Posted at 8:54 pm by amayr1984, on May 25, 2019

  As time has moved on in this journey, so have I emotionally.

  The fervor and passion has died down in me significantly as other life concerns mount themselves in the way of my infertility.

  Back in the private sector on poverty wages, my bills don’t seem to add up to my dreams anymore. I work three jobs, two of which are on the low wage end and it is devastating how poor I am now compared to the prosperity I had at the one job that wrongfully terminated me. I do wish feverishly to have that security back in funds if nothing else but I absolutely do NOT miss the stress of that place. But having these financial issues is so new and unsettling for me it has taken my focus off of trying to get pregnant.

  I do work at Starbucks now and have logged about 4 shifts so far, most of which have been training. I have my practice shift tomorrow and I am already considering how I can get more hours so I can speed up the insurance process and probably the few extra dollars it will bring will be good as well but it really does not pay much. The time I an investing is for the ultimate goal of having children. But I must figure out how to survive this realistic low wage existence that I have now. I also have a job in the banking industry that is part time that I hope to turn into a career. I will have to invest time in order to get that to happen I know but I am willing. If I can even get to part time in that area that would help tremendously. Right now being underemployed and underpaid is very scary.

  Infertility was once my worst fear and now it has been replaced in line. Don’t get me wrong I am still invested. I did some ritualistic things this cycle and tomorrow I have my IUI which I am nervous about. Everything so far has failed it is hard to hope that this will work. And because money is tight we don’t have much to try it more than once or twice. Probably once. I don’t know if I can handle anymore heartbreak. If from there it doesn’t work then I will make getting the insurance at Starbucks my focus so that we can try IVF this year. That’s all the options I have and that we can likely afford at this point. That is our reality. This is something we are really relying on to work.

  I had two 20 CM follicles and I triggered last night. We did have sex and it was a lot of work cuz I was so tired and had to get up at 4:15am to get ready for Starbucks even. But we always give it our best shot. We have for months now. At some point all of this does have to pay off. Somehow.

  | 0 Comments Tagged Black Infertility, Black motherhood, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Fears, Infertility, Insemination, IUI, Minimum Wage, Poverty, Struggle

• Cycle 17 Cycle Day 21: The Yellow Nursery Has Begun

  Posted at 8:00 pm by amayr1984, on April 7, 2019

  No I am still not pregnant that I know of.

  I am 7 DPO in my two week wait and on Prometrium which is a brand of progesterone and that has been an experience to say the least. Mostly it has been being clammy at night and crazy dreams that are sexual and bizarre in every way. It’s awkward because I have to vaginally insert them and I had no real side effects beyond those first two until today where I became really crampy. But other than that I remain kind of meh about if I am pregnant or not. It remains a long journey and I am just used to disappointment.

  The easy week of the Two Week Wait is over now and I will again enter into the crazy spell where I will have mood swings every day up until I test about if I am pregnant or not. This I can’t seem to help and it always comes with the second week. Maybe the hormone shifts make the experience more intense. Can’t say for sure but I know it is coming like clock work.

  And because I am on progesterone inserts I have to test before my period is to come so I can quit them two days before and allow it to come. I am certainly not looking forward to that as I am an absolute wreck when I take those tests and get BFNs. But I have to bear it all in this quest to be a mother.

  Time is truly rolling on. In a couple days it will be the anniversary of my chemical pregnancy. I remember that like it was yesterday getting that super faint positive and thinking this was it and then taking another test a couple days later and there was nothing and then getting my period. One of the most concussing and devastating experiences of my life and I believe it kicked off my hormonal imbalance that has finally been righted by my doctors. The weight is falling off of me now and my skin and hair look amazing. If nothing this journey has gotten me back to a physically healthy place where I belong I believe. For that I am certainly grateful.

  The other day I decided to work on painting the room our eventual baby will be in after putting it off for over a year and a half since we first thought of the idea that we wanted to try to have children. I thought it would jinx us but life sort of did that anyway so why not? I chose a vibrant yellow and honestly it will take a few coats to get this blue in here covered. I should have painted it white first but I didn’t think of that. It hasn’t been as fun to do as I anticipated. I always think painting will be fun for some reason then the real work of it sets in and I’m like whhaattt was I thinking? Today I’m at that stage and about out of paint with about 1/3 of the room left. I’ll grab another gallon next week and finish it. For now I am going to go have lunch and then maybe take a nap before I move on to cleaning the bathroom.

  I’m going to enjoy this last relaxing day before the crazy week starts

  | 0 Comments Tagged Black Infertility, Black Women Trying To Conceive, CYCLE 17, Infertility, Nursery, Trying To Conceive, Trying To Get Pregnant, TTC

• Cycle 16 Day 22: The Second Week of the Two Week Wait Never Gets Any Easier

  Posted at 9:28 pm by amayr1984, on March 10, 2019

  

  Yes. Y’all are gonna have to respect my journey.

  Hell I have had to learn to accept it. And part of that journey is me freaking out over every symptom quietly during the last week of my cycle hoping to be pregnant but afraid to…ya know…REALLY HOPE that I am pregnant. It is the hardest part of this whole journey besides CD1.

  You did the work.

  You took the medications.

  You charted your life away.

  And maybe you’ll be pregnant finally and maybe you’ll be disappointed all over again. You only want the pregnancy outcome, of course. But you don’t want to not be emotionally prepared for the disappointment.

  I mean there’s really no way to know you are pregnant and at this point I have given up with knowing. I try not to symptom spot and I don’t take any of them seriously but I do get nervous if say my breasts aren’t a certain level of sore or my temperature isn’t that high. I don’t know why because none of it really means anything but I guess when you want something this bad you are going to obsess over it some what logic be damned.

  Every other week there is something to do. Especially if you are on a medicated cycle. And by the first week you are happy for a break from the timed sex etc so that time doesn’t seem so daunting I believe.

  But this week when you are waiting to take a test…so close to finding out if you are maybe pregnant…this is the hardest week and I just dread having to experience it month after month after month.

  I saw another pregnancy announcement today on Facebook and I thought…Stupid Stork…when is it going to be MY turn? How much more will I have to invest and put into this process to get my baby? How many more races will I have to run?

  

  That’s how it feels. There is no exact number of times I will have to try this before I am successful. There is no exact number of two week waits last weeks that I will have to survive. I know I will survive them though but I don’t know how much longer I have to go on. And that in itself can be such a despairing experience.

  I hope for this every cycle…you can read back if you don’t believe me. But I hope this is it. I hope I am finally pregnant. I hope I will not become a complete nut the rest of this week emotionally. I can’t guarantee it but I hope.

  I don’t think I will test this cycle despite what my RE wants. I think I will wait until my period comes and then schedule my appointments. When I call with the negative test anyway all they tell me is to call back when my period starts so it seems like a waste no matter which way you slice it. It may be better for my sanity that way. So no one lined window for me this cycle either way it goes.

  Let’s just hope I can make it through this week in peace.

  
  

  | 0 Comments Tagged Ava Bracelet, Black Infertility, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Clomid Cycle, Days Post Ovulation, Infertility, Last Week, Trying to Concieve, Two Week Wait

• Cycle 16 Day 2: Infertility Is Sadness and Emptiness Holding You Hostage With No Ransom

  Posted at 4:01 am by amayr1984, on February 19, 2019

  I’m trapped in so much pain today.

  As the number of cycles we have been trying racks up with the challenges of life that are building up over my head (unexpected job loss being the main one) I find myself so tired and hopeless some days. It feels stupid to keep hoping for something that has over and over shown you that it is not going to happen. People would call it being negative but being positive has netted me what exactly? Nothing. The same nothing that being negative right now has gotten me.

  I am not pregnant. I am not any closer to being a mother than I was last month and I don’t know if this month will get me pregnant either. I know I will trying. I know I will never stop trying but I also know that the world is continuing to move on without me and I am feeling more and more left behind and alone and not just because I haven’t gotten pregnant.

  Sure all my friends and my husband’s friends’ kids are all growing up while we hump along month after month and I bleed at the end and then we start over and sure the daily grind of my job has continued to move on even though I am no longer there reminding me I never mattered there either after 7.5 years of service because in the end things will still go on without you. Life, work, family…everything keeps moving forward.

  And how lonely for those of us who are not getting what we want out of the forward progression. How lonely for me. 16 months in trying. Why if I had gotten pregnant the first month I’d have a 6 month old by now. That’s how long we have been at this unsuccessfully. I’d probably be a happier person too.

  I hope I’d be a happier person. Because are there lows lower than this? I am sure there are. I’m sure pregnancy loss has to hurt way worse than this right now but right now nothing feels lower than this. Nothing feels lower than the ache and the want to be pregnant and the reality that I am not.

  The inability of my husband to find the right things to say and the unfair expectation that he should know what to say to me all mixes in to the quiet disappointment that is our stalled and non existent little family outside of him and me. We never wanted it to be just us two and I can’t be happy with it being just us two. I can be ok but I can never be happy with it being like this. And I don’t feel selfish or ugly in saying that because it is honest. I want 3 children. I’m 34 and I have absolutely none. And I don’t feel closer to my first one.

  I called my RE today and Clomid. Clomid again. I hate Clomid. But Letrozole let us down 3 good times with all the follicles we could hope for we got no baby in return. So maybe it’s time to try Clomid again.

  But is it ok to believe in Clomid? Is the right thing to do is believe that this could work? It would feel like it is. It would seem like it is. But then if it doesn’t work then what? Just more sadness, emptiness and loneliness. All feelings I am endlessly tired of. Trigger shot. Follicle Stimulating Hormone. All of it is in my future.

  And then maybe IUI later on. If we can afford it. Because now that I lost my job what we can afford has changed. The odds were already against us but now another obstacle. Now more hardship for us instead of any bit more of happiness.

  I don’t know what is blocking us from having a child but I despise it for doing this to me. I despise it. I hate being infertile. I hate my period. I hate cycle day 1. And cycle day 2.

  Tomorrow I will start Clomid and then I will hate the entire time I feel the side effects of Clomid. And then I will enjoy the Fertile Week because we will hope again. And then I will hate the Two Week Wait. I will hate the pregnancy test due on CD 12. And I will hate CD1 again possibly. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

  16 cycles. There is no baby dust or comfort for me. I have been stripped, ripped and chewed up by this journey and I cannot be comforted. There is not point in bothering. I am hurt and there is a gaping wound in my life that cries out for a child and that is the only thing that will heal me. A positive pregnancy test and a safe and happy and healthy pregnancy. You can keep anything else. I don’t need it.

  | 0 Comments Tagged 16 Cycles, Black Infertility, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Clomid, Cycle Day 2, Fertility Drugs, Hurt, Letrozole, Pain, Sadness, Trying To Conceive

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  • Cycle 19 Reflections
  • Cycle 18 Failed So Happy Early Still Not A Mother’s Day To Me
  • Cycle 17 Cycle Day 21: The Yellow Nursery Has Begun
  • Cycle 17 Day 14: Gonal F, Letrozole, The Fertility Diet, It Starts With The Egg and Hope
  • Cycle 16 Day 27: Injectable Medications Arrived With Another Big Fat Negative

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