Chasing Baby Mayr

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    • Cycle 19 Reflections

      Posted at 8:54 pm by amayr1984, on May 25, 2019

      As time has moved on in this journey, so have I emotionally.

      The fervor and passion has died down in me significantly as other life concerns mount themselves in the way of my infertility.

      Back in the private sector on poverty wages, my bills don’t seem to add up to my dreams anymore. I work three jobs, two of which are on the low wage end and it is devastating how poor I am now compared to the prosperity I had at the one job that wrongfully terminated me. I do wish feverishly to have that security back in funds if nothing else but I absolutely do NOT miss the stress of that place. But having these financial issues is so new and unsettling for me it has taken my focus off of trying to get pregnant.

      I do work at Starbucks now and have logged about 4 shifts so far, most of which have been training. I have my practice shift tomorrow and I am already considering how I can get more hours so I can speed up the insurance process and probably the few extra dollars it will bring will be good as well but it really does not pay much. The time I an investing is for the ultimate goal of having children. But I must figure out how to survive this realistic low wage existence that I have now. I also have a job in the banking industry that is part time that I hope to turn into a career. I will have to invest time in order to get that to happen I know but I am willing. If I can even get to part time in that area that would help tremendously. Right now being underemployed and underpaid is very scary.

      Infertility was once my worst fear and now it has been replaced in line. Don’t get me wrong I am still invested. I did some ritualistic things this cycle and tomorrow I have my IUI which I am nervous about. Everything so far has failed it is hard to hope that this will work. And because money is tight we don’t have much to try it more than once or twice. Probably once. I don’t know if I can handle anymore heartbreak. If from there it doesn’t work then I will make getting the insurance at Starbucks my focus so that we can try IVF this year. That’s all the options I have and that we can likely afford at this point. That is our reality. This is something we are really relying on to work.

      I had two 20 CM follicles and I triggered last night. We did have sex and it was a lot of work cuz I was so tired and had to get up at 4:15am to get ready for Starbucks even. But we always give it our best shot. We have for months now. At some point all of this does have to pay off. Somehow.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Black Infertility, Black motherhood, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Fears, Infertility, Insemination, IUI, Minimum Wage, Poverty, Struggle
    • Cycle 17 Cycle Day 21: The Yellow Nursery Has Begun

      Posted at 8:00 pm by amayr1984, on April 7, 2019

      No I am still not pregnant that I know of.

      I am 7 DPO in my two week wait and on Prometrium which is a brand of progesterone and that has been an experience to say the least. Mostly it has been being clammy at night and crazy dreams that are sexual and bizarre in every way. It’s awkward because I have to vaginally insert them and I had no real side effects beyond those first two until today where I became really crampy. But other than that I remain kind of meh about if I am pregnant or not. It remains a long journey and I am just used to disappointment.

      The easy week of the Two Week Wait is over now and I will again enter into the crazy spell where I will have mood swings every day up until I test about if I am pregnant or not. This I can’t seem to help and it always comes with the second week. Maybe the hormone shifts make the experience more intense. Can’t say for sure but I know it is coming like clock work.

      And because I am on progesterone inserts I have to test before my period is to come so I can quit them two days before and allow it to come. I am certainly not looking forward to that as I am an absolute wreck when I take those tests and get BFNs. But I have to bear it all in this quest to be a mother.

      Time is truly rolling on. In a couple days it will be the anniversary of my chemical pregnancy. I remember that like it was yesterday getting that super faint positive and thinking this was it and then taking another test a couple days later and there was nothing and then getting my period. One of the most concussing and devastating experiences of my life and I believe it kicked off my hormonal imbalance that has finally been righted by my doctors. The weight is falling off of me now and my skin and hair look amazing. If nothing this journey has gotten me back to a physically healthy place where I belong I believe. For that I am certainly grateful.

      The other day I decided to work on painting the room our eventual baby will be in after putting it off for over a year and a half since we first thought of the idea that we wanted to try to have children. I thought it would jinx us but life sort of did that anyway so why not? I chose a vibrant yellow and honestly it will take a few coats to get this blue in here covered. I should have painted it white first but I didn’t think of that. It hasn’t been as fun to do as I anticipated. I always think painting will be fun for some reason then the real work of it sets in and I’m like whhaattt was I thinking? Today I’m at that stage and about out of paint with about 1/3 of the room left. I’ll grab another gallon next week and finish it. For now I am going to go have lunch and then maybe take a nap before I move on to cleaning the bathroom.

      I’m going to enjoy this last relaxing day before the crazy week starts

      | 0 Comments Tagged Black Infertility, Black Women Trying To Conceive, CYCLE 17, Infertility, Nursery, Trying To Conceive, Trying To Get Pregnant, TTC
    • Cycle 16 Day 22: The Second Week of the Two Week Wait Never Gets Any Easier

      Posted at 9:28 pm by amayr1984, on March 10, 2019

      Yes. Y’all are gonna have to respect my journey.

      Hell I have had to learn to accept it. And part of that journey is me freaking out over every symptom quietly during the last week of my cycle hoping to be pregnant but afraid to…ya know…REALLY HOPE that I am pregnant. It is the hardest part of this whole journey besides CD1.

      You did the work.

      You took the medications.

      You charted your life away.

      And maybe you’ll be pregnant finally and maybe you’ll be disappointed all over again. You only want the pregnancy outcome, of course. But you don’t want to not be emotionally prepared for the disappointment.

      I mean there’s really no way to know you are pregnant and at this point I have given up with knowing. I try not to symptom spot and I don’t take any of them seriously but I do get nervous if say my breasts aren’t a certain level of sore or my temperature isn’t that high. I don’t know why because none of it really means anything but I guess when you want something this bad you are going to obsess over it some what logic be damned.

      Every other week there is something to do. Especially if you are on a medicated cycle. And by the first week you are happy for a break from the timed sex etc so that time doesn’t seem so daunting I believe.

      But this week when you are waiting to take a test…so close to finding out if you are maybe pregnant…this is the hardest week and I just dread having to experience it month after month after month.

      I saw another pregnancy announcement today on Facebook and I thought…Stupid Stork…when is it going to be MY turn? How much more will I have to invest and put into this process to get my baby? How many more races will I have to run?

      That’s how it feels. There is no exact number of times I will have to try this before I am successful. There is no exact number of two week waits last weeks that I will have to survive. I know I will survive them though but I don’t know how much longer I have to go on. And that in itself can be such a despairing experience.

      I hope for this every cycle…you can read back if you don’t believe me. But I hope this is it. I hope I am finally pregnant. I hope I will not become a complete nut the rest of this week emotionally. I can’t guarantee it but I hope.

      I don’t think I will test this cycle despite what my RE wants. I think I will wait until my period comes and then schedule my appointments. When I call with the negative test anyway all they tell me is to call back when my period starts so it seems like a waste no matter which way you slice it. It may be better for my sanity that way. So no one lined window for me this cycle either way it goes.

      Let’s just hope I can make it through this week in peace.


      | 0 Comments Tagged Ava Bracelet, Black Infertility, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Clomid Cycle, Days Post Ovulation, Infertility, Last Week, Trying to Concieve, Two Week Wait
    • Cycle 16 Day 12: The Fertile Window Is Here Again If You Can Call It That When You’re…Ya Know…InFertile

      Posted at 3:22 am by amayr1984, on March 1, 2019

      I’m on the Clomid again and boy does the Clomid suck. My husband and I are getting along better but not by as much as I would like. Our time in marriage counseling though I think helped some things along for us and I am hoping that with all the challenges ahead we are not going to fold like an umbrella to the pressures of the world. My husband is a good but flawed person. Honestly if he would only get his act together with money then I could probably endure the rest as he is a really good partner otherwise except for a short temper and his believe that people are out to get him even when they wish him well.

      But who among the trying to conceive is perfect? I have been a crying and anxious mess on Clomid and I can barely stand myself. Luckily my husband works a lot but unfortunately for me there is no vacation from the madness and many of my coping mechanisms are out the window.

      Still jobless I can no longer afford Fit Body Boot Camp and this week thanks to Clomid (which I am gonna call CloMAD from now on because I hate it that much) I haven’t even gone the last few days I could go. I just couldn’t make myself leave the house. The disappointment of all the rejection emails from trying to get a job just has me in a place where I don’t want to be bothered. But the reality is I NEED to be bothered. Being alone all the time with everything I am dealing with just isn’t good for me.

      And for a while I was doing well. I was even cooking again and pretty active about taking care of myself but with CloMAD the good days come and go just like the bad ones. I am trying very hard to be patient and positive with myself even though it feels like every little thing in my life is going wrong.

      I have had some wild dreams on CloMAD and I dreamed the other day of breastfeeding a beautiful baby girl. I want children so very badly and as the time and the medications tick on I am starting to lose hope. I even had a bracelet that said hope on it that I lost just this week. So that bummed me out even more.

      I just want a baby and I’m tired of all the hard work in life with no rewards. Filling out job applications and constantly being rejected. Struggling with weight loss. The Golden State Warriors struggling after the All Star Break (ok that is not that important but today it feels important) and my husband and I humping our lives away and dealing with my mood swings on medications and having no baby to show for it. All of it is just beyond overwhelming at this point.

      Where is our win? And when is it coming?

      Tomorrow I have my ultrasound appointment and I hope I have some follicles that are close to mature. I hope I have 60 of them. I don’t care if they say there are too many we will still have sex and try to get pregnant. I just don’t care anymore. It doesn’t seem to matter even when we do have them we do not get pregnant. I hope this time is different but it’s hard to have faith when you keep getting the same negative results as time goes on.

      I also have a step 3 hearing for my case of wrongful termination at work tomorrow. I don’t expect it to be overturned or anything but it’s another step in the direction of getting me my job back and that matters a great deal to me that I may finally have my name cleared of this wrongful termination that has haunted me.

      I don’t know where our win is coming from. But I am ready for it. That much I do know. And for the Warriors to start winning again.

      We are still doing Sperm Meets Egg like previously explained so wish us the best. No baby dust. That shit does not work.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Ava, Baby, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Fertile Week, Golden State Warriors, Infertility, Personal, Pregnancy, Sperm Meets Egg, Struggles
    • Cycle 16 Day 2: Infertility Is Sadness and Emptiness Holding You Hostage With No Ransom

      Posted at 4:01 am by amayr1984, on February 19, 2019

      I’m trapped in so much pain today.

      As the number of cycles we have been trying racks up with the challenges of life that are building up over my head (unexpected job loss being the main one) I find myself so tired and hopeless some days. It feels stupid to keep hoping for something that has over and over shown you that it is not going to happen. People would call it being negative but being positive has netted me what exactly? Nothing. The same nothing that being negative right now has gotten me.

      I am not pregnant. I am not any closer to being a mother than I was last month and I don’t know if this month will get me pregnant either. I know I will trying. I know I will never stop trying but I also know that the world is continuing to move on without me and I am feeling more and more left behind and alone and not just because I haven’t gotten pregnant.

      Sure all my friends and my husband’s friends’ kids are all growing up while we hump along month after month and I bleed at the end and then we start over and sure the daily grind of my job has continued to move on even though I am no longer there reminding me I never mattered there either after 7.5 years of service because in the end things will still go on without you. Life, work, family…everything keeps moving forward.

      And how lonely for those of us who are not getting what we want out of the forward progression. How lonely for me. 16 months in trying. Why if I had gotten pregnant the first month I’d have a 6 month old by now. That’s how long we have been at this unsuccessfully. I’d probably be a happier person too.

      I hope I’d be a happier person. Because are there lows lower than this? I am sure there are. I’m sure pregnancy loss has to hurt way worse than this right now but right now nothing feels lower than this. Nothing feels lower than the ache and the want to be pregnant and the reality that I am not.

      The inability of my husband to find the right things to say and the unfair expectation that he should know what to say to me all mixes in to the quiet disappointment that is our stalled and non existent little family outside of him and me. We never wanted it to be just us two and I can’t be happy with it being just us two. I can be ok but I can never be happy with it being like this. And I don’t feel selfish or ugly in saying that because it is honest. I want 3 children. I’m 34 and I have absolutely none. And I don’t feel closer to my first one.

      I called my RE today and Clomid. Clomid again. I hate Clomid. But Letrozole let us down 3 good times with all the follicles we could hope for we got no baby in return. So maybe it’s time to try Clomid again.

      But is it ok to believe in Clomid? Is the right thing to do is believe that this could work? It would feel like it is. It would seem like it is. But then if it doesn’t work then what? Just more sadness, emptiness and loneliness. All feelings I am endlessly tired of. Trigger shot. Follicle Stimulating Hormone. All of it is in my future.

      And then maybe IUI later on. If we can afford it. Because now that I lost my job what we can afford has changed. The odds were already against us but now another obstacle. Now more hardship for us instead of any bit more of happiness.

      I don’t know what is blocking us from having a child but I despise it for doing this to me. I despise it. I hate being infertile. I hate my period. I hate cycle day 1. And cycle day 2.

      Tomorrow I will start Clomid and then I will hate the entire time I feel the side effects of Clomid. And then I will enjoy the Fertile Week because we will hope again. And then I will hate the Two Week Wait. I will hate the pregnancy test due on CD 12. And I will hate CD1 again possibly. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

      16 cycles. There is no baby dust or comfort for me. I have been stripped, ripped and chewed up by this journey and I cannot be comforted. There is not point in bothering. I am hurt and there is a gaping wound in my life that cries out for a child and that is the only thing that will heal me. A positive pregnancy test and a safe and happy and healthy pregnancy. You can keep anything else. I don’t need it.

      | 0 Comments Tagged 16 Cycles, Black Infertility, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Clomid, Cycle Day 2, Fertility Drugs, Hurt, Letrozole, Pain, Sadness, Trying To Conceive
    • Cycle 15 Day 28: The Big Fat Negatives Never Get Any Easier

      Posted at 5:12 pm by amayr1984, on February 14, 2019

      There is my chart and there is my screaming Big Fat Negative. Perhaps my 10th one or so while trying to conceive as some cycles I did not even test because I got so sick of seeing them. My Reproductive Endocrinologist makes me test now though so I can’t hide from the hurt of the one line staring back at me from that window.

      The stark whiteness haunts you when you want that other pink line so badly you dream about it night after night before your test day. You want to be positive but this is where being positive hurts. Because you feel like well maybe you wouldn’t be so sad if you didn’t tell yourself “this could be my month!” even if it was quietly in the back of your mind that you told yourself.

      Maybe you would feel less ridiculous if you hadn’t dared to dream about giving your husband a great surprise on Valentine’s Day of a positive pregnancy test since you guys are so broke now thanks to your unexpected job loss that you can’t get each other real gifts. So broke when you were bringing in comfortable incomes and even that job loss feels like an injustice in itself.

      What a cruel word we live in where women who want babies wake up on Valentine’s Day to an empty uterus, one line peering back from that white window and the heartache of inadequacy and the fear of how you are going to survive these next months and continue trying to get pregnant.

      The one thing that has continued to seem so utterly impossible. The race is almost over again and I don’t see my baby, our baby, at the finish line just as I haven’t months and months before. And I do wonder why that is that I can dream of this baby and these two pink lines but they are never truly there no matter what my husband and I do.

      We are both sad today. Sad about so much. The way our lives are changing financially and now the loss yet again of what we both wanted. So sad.

      I wish I could say just hang in there and your dreams will come true today. I can’t say that because even though I will hang in there I can’t help feeling that is a lie. I can’t help feeling like I’ve been hanging in here and all I got was a faint line in April 2018 to show for it for all of my hanging. I have way more hurt.

      So the race will reset here in the next couple of days and we will try yet again. We will get injectables. I will take new medications and have new side effects and I will hope again no matter the fact that I am hurting so today.

      A Happy Valentine’s Day

      | 0 Comments Tagged Big Fat Negative, Black motherhood, Black Women Trying To Conceive, First Response Early Response, Infertility, Pain, Pregnancy Test, Trying To Conceive, Unfair
    • Cycle 15 Day 27: Dropping Temperatures Inside My Body and Outside My Window

      Posted at 2:13 am by amayr1984, on February 14, 2019

      What a day.

      As I have stated in previous posts I am facing job loss coming up and I am trying to head it off at the pass finically so I have already been in the job market.

      Today was my USPS postal service test at the testing center. The weather was absolutely dreadful but I know the post office delivers in weather rain or sleet or shine and the exam said you cannot cancel it within 24 hours of taking it so I knew I had to make it up there or I would lose my opportunity at this job. So I got up and checked my temperature this morning.

      It dropped a little (.15 so not below the cover line but still disappointing per my past patterns. My temperature usually never drops all the way back down until my menstrual cycle shows anyway so I can only read so much!) but I was determined to make a positive day out of this.

      The night before I dreamed I would find out I was pregnant this cycle. That all my bad luck with losing my job and everything else I experienced so far this week was going to culminate in the happiest thing possible that could happen to me. I felt waves of warmth and happiness wash over me while I was sleeping and when I woke up I thought my temperature would be better than it was but nothing confirms pregnancy but a test and that is for tomorrow morning.

      I set out for the testing center and it was a terrible drive there but I made it after some minor confusion. The roads were horrible and so was the parking lot. I arrived at 10:30am and the test was to begin at 11:15. I went up and tried to open the door and it wouldn’t open and I rang the doorbell per the instructions in the email and no one answered. There was a sign saying the university the testing was taking place at was closed but I still waited well into the testing time and called the company (no answer. Left a message) and emailed them. There was a gentleman there with me and we pretty much gave up after it went past our testing time and went back home.

      I was sort of annoyed though because it cost me effort and gas to get up there and it was not the best driving conditions. I slid and spun out twice no matter how slowly I was driving and I became more anxious to get home the longer I was on the road. I was becoming dizzy and tired even though I had just eaten but I don’t symptom spot so that didn’t matter except that I didn’t feel great in the conditions I was driving in. I managed to get within a mile of home before I slid slow motion across a patch of ice into a snow bank.

      I of course immediately tried to back up but I couldn’t. I switched on my warning lights and I put on my heated jacket and turned it up because my gas gauge suddenly said empty though I had a quarter of a tank before this slide off. I slid in at an angle so I figured it was possible that the fuel light was on by mistake because the tank was tilted or perhaps there was a leak. Either way I was not in a happy place at all being trapped on the side of the road. I knew with the weather conditions the wait times would simply be horrible and I wasn’t going anywhere for a while.

      I called good ole AAA and they promised me I would be out in an hour and a half which seemed terrible but I guess it could be worse. I sat there listening to ESPN on Sirius and reading happy pregnancy announcements on Glow to try to pass the time. I also talked to a union rep and texted my husband and told him not to miss work worrying about me. We obviously need the money.

      After a hour and a half passed I called the towing company AAA told me was coming to get me to see what the hold up was and they told me they told AAA they couldn’t help me because of my distance from them. I was astonished and starting to feel scared because it was cold and I didn’t now how long my jacket would hold up. A police officer and several good samaritans had stopped to check on me but I had told them all not to worry that I was just waiting to be towed by AAA. I called them back and they told me it was going to take them 2.5 Hours to find someone to come get me.

      At this point I began to lament my rotten luck thus far this year. I have just not seemed to be able to find the right energy or something just isn’t in my favor as my life is now and I just don’t get it. I feel like a decent and kind person with flaws but not anyone too terrible and yet my husband and I have had minor marriage struggles and now I am having a job loss happening, confusion about a job opportunity (USPS test not happening) and on top of that here I am on the side of the road in the cold! I was tired, nauseous and dizzy trying to figure out if I should just abandon my car and walk the mile or so home in a blizzard!

      Then a man with a bungee cord stopped. He told me he could try to get me out and I was scared to let him because I didn’t know if he really knew what he was doing but what choice did I have? I needed to get out and I needed to get home so I let him. He hooked the cord up to my car and told me to throw it in reverse and pump the gas when I felt the jerk. And then he took off and got in his truck.

      While I was sitting there waiting I just hoped against hope it would work. That something in my life would turn out ok in just these next few minutes. Perhaps I am hormonal and being dramatic, as I am sure people have far harder struggles than I do, but this is really where my head was. I just wanted to go back to the charmed life I had with a steady secure income and the unshakeable belief my husband and I would be fine and we would get pregnant. It seemed like those sure days were beyond me and buried under my tires as he pulled.

      The pulling did jerk me quite a bit but I held on for dear life as hit the gas even though I fear I might be running out of it. I bumped into the horn a couple of times even the jerks were so strong but my car did budge little by little. I think with 10 accelerations on his part I snapped free and came up out of the snow bank.

      And there I was back on the road. I was so grateful to that man. You know I think I saw something of my father in him when he came to help me. My father would have done the same; stopped and helped someone who was in a snow bank and this guy had his work clothes on too and a glint in his eye. Perhaps my father had looked out for me through this man when I thought everyone had turned against me in the spirit world based on my luck. I felt renewed being pulled free and I thanked him profusely which he said he didn’t need or want anything (I offered to pay him for his service. Being out of work I know how dear being paid for service is).

      I drove slowly and cautiously even more so home and I was so glad to get here and so tired and dizzy I decided to lay down and took a nice nap. Sometimes I just nap to escape. Part of me regrets that nap because I will not be able to sleep as well tonight to prepare for the interview but I have to consider what I needed then and that was truly it. Just quiet and peaceful escape.

      Sometimes this journey of life can be so discouraging. You can feel like you are giving it your best and still wind up with nothing or disappointment and misfortune. I was lucky my car and I were unscathed and that someone stopped to help me. I try to look on the bright side of that even though today did not go as planned.

      Tomorrow when I test I will try to be positive about that outcome as well regardless. I move between what I think the outcome will be. After 15 months it is scary to hope but it is also all I can do. The truth being I always hope for a positive pregnancy test and I hope for one with all my might tomorrow, jobless or not. My husband and I worked hard this past cycle to get pregnant and really gave it the best effort yet. We will keep this effort up if we are not pregnant, of course. For as much as we can afford to do so but I have to accept that we could give our best and come up short just like I did today.

      I want to prepare myself for the disappointment. It is strange 15 months of disappointment is not enough preparation but it simply isn’t. Nothing prepares you to be disappointed so deeply time and time again. But I think I have become better at coping with it and better at assuming that at some point we are going to get this right and the stars will align. My stars seem to be in disarray right now but if they want to align in just this one place I will be beyond happy for that.

      I ask the creator and my ancestors to intervene on my behalf or I hope they already have and I will either be with child or with the strength to handle yet another disappointment this week.

      | 0 Comments Tagged 15 Cycles, AAA, Black Woman, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Cycle Day 27, Hope, Hurt, Pain, Trials, Trying To Conceive, Two Week Wait
    • Cycle 15 Day 23 And The Loom Of Unexpected Job Loss

      Posted at 11:40 pm by amayr1984, on February 9, 2019

      I am losing my job next Friday and it is one of the most heartbreaking and devastating experiences of mourning that I have gone through in some time. I absolutely love my job and everything that came with it except management. And so naturally, through some inaccuracies and misconceptions management is giving me the boot and I am entering the scariest part of my adult life.

      I never thought I would be fired and it has thrown a wrench into my trying to conceive journey as well. Suddenly I couldn’t afford to go to acupuncture on Friday so that was gone. I was a wreck the first day after I found out and my doctor and my husband told me I had to not stress because I’m in the Two Week Wait and it is bad for me but who can be stress free when a whole paycheck has just evaporated into thin air the way mine is about to? I cannot be stress free. I cannot imagine how anyone can ask that of me. I need to do what I need to do and so I mourned hardcore the first two days trapped in a daze of disbelief. Cried to my mother and my husband and laid in bed watching Dynasty reruns skipping to the ones I could stomach because I am in season 7 now and it aint all good anymore.

      Mostly I feel hurt to lose an amazing community of co workers and I truly enjoyed patient care. The benefits were also great. WageWorks and Priority Health are leaving me. I’m going to be entering a new territory with new struggles piled on my old struggles. And for what reason I cannot fathom. It doesn’t seem much of anything is going my way right now when I need it to most.

      To make matters extra dramatic the day I test is the day I get to go in and officially get fired. So if I have a BFN of course that is really going to add to the depression of the day.

      And if I have a BFP I will have some uncertainty but at the very least at least I will have some hope. More than any other month I hope I finally get my BFP. That something finally goes my way.

      I have not ridden the emotional rollercoaster about my body as much this go round because I have other bigger things to worry about and endless jobs to apply for. I have so much other stuff on my mind that it hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind that I could finally become a mom or get two slaps in the face on the same day. My number one focus is applying for any and every job under the sun I can get my hands on.

      I know and believe I will be vindicated in the long run and my name will be cleared. I believe that. I just don’t know what to make of the times ahead.

      The new medications they expect me to take sound crappy if I am not pregnant this go round. Clomid and Ovidrel and Prometrium and there was a complicated schedule and calendar to it all…it’s only gonna get more twisted from here and we aren’t even talking IUI at this point. No we are talking about a whole bunch of shots just to do timed intercourse yet again. I don’t want that for myself. At age 34 the idea of stacking on more and more and more is just taxing.

      Talking to my husband’s sister in law last night she said she and her husband plan to start trying in April. I hope their journey is much speedier than ours but I won’t lie that I would likely be jealous if they have the first child after we have been struggling along for such a while. I’ll be happy for them but disappointed of us.

      But I am hopeful I am wrong this go round and that things are certainly going to work out in our favor. As I move forward with trying to piece my life back together I am going to try to seek more positive energy because I have seen some of the most negative things between the death of my father a couple years ago, my fertility struggles and the sudden loss of my job. I haven’t led a bad life and have usually gotten what I wanted so these last few years have truly been shockers. I can only hope for the best that they will get better and that happiness is around the corner and not more sadness.

      I do not even know where we are in the race this time because I’m so focused on so many other things. But we will see what happens. Soon enough

      | 0 Comments Tagged Black Women Trying To Conceive, Dynasty, Job Loss, Pregnancy, Trying To Conceive, Trying To Get Pregnant, Two Week Wait
    • Cycle 15: Day 9 Having A Plan Can Lessen The Guilt and Anxiety of Infertility

      Posted at 6:10 am by amayr1984, on February 5, 2019

      If you have read any of my previous posts from the cycles before you will realize that one of my great struggles with infertility (besides of course the whole not getting pregnant thing) is wrestling with the dreaded Two Week Wait.

      The Two Week Wait is a time of such anxiety for many women who are trying to get pregnant so this isn’t something unique to me and for most of it, typically I am fine. The last week of it I become a monster of mood swings and anxiety before crying my eyes out because of my negative test or getting my period and then quiet acceptance of the fact that I live to try to get pregnant another month.

      I make it through though it is an annoying and hellacious rollercoaster ride. In talking with my husband tonight I realized that some of the worst feelings during this time is the anxiety of did we really do everything we possibly could to get pregnant?

      And there really isn’t a hell of a lot you can do except try to have sex on the right days and take your prenatal and not smoke or drink too much and hope for the best. There is so little control in all of this that the lack of control itself can become a source of anxiety because we know we can’t do much about it but we know it just happens to so many people do why isn’t it just happening to us?

      Often times my husband and I struggle to get to or stick to a plan that is consistent with Trying to Conceive because it is work. The sex isn’t extremely romantic and sometimes you really don’t feel like having sex at all. It’s a grind at 15 months and we have tweaked and then not gone through with the tweaking because someone didn’t want to do it that much or couldn’t or whatever.

      And then when you are in the Two Week Wait you just sit there and you think bitterly “well what if we had done it that one more day!” Those nagging doubts sit on your mind as you wait. You look at your calendar repeatedly and gauge your chances, check your basal body temperature chart and obsess over your Ava data all that week hanging on to hope while sanity slips away.

      And this is where Sperm Meets Egg came in and has been a centering force for me. Having a plan, and sticking to the plan and executing it makes you feel like no matter what we gave it our best shot. And knowing that provides some kind of peace because as I said you can’t control much of anything about getting pregnant anyway. But the sex schedule, well that you can control. And Sperm Meets Egg makes a LOT of sense.

      The basic break down of the plan is that you start having sex every other day from Cycle Day 8 on. You take ovulation predictor kits and when you get a positive you have sex those next three days in a row, skip a day and have sex one more time. This, to me is great because it allows you to cover a wide span of your calendar without making your partner stay on top of you every other day all cycle as some other plans suggest. Perhaps for those in their 20s that is sustainable but I am 34 and my husband is 40 and we just don’t have the stamina for that much robotic sex. That also leaves us some time at the end of the month to have actual lust based sex which I think makes my husband happy.

      Today we completed the Sperm Meets Egg plan. I am pretty sure I ovulated two days ago but we had sex on that day and yesterday was our break and today was our last day. As I spoke with my husband I realized that I was at peace because I know we researched a plan (ok I researched it) we executed it and now we gave the best shot we could towards pregnancy. The rest is up to nature, my body and whatever magic the universe has that is involved with this. But I did my part. There are no regrets on my end and no doubts.

      And losing that anxiety means the world. Have you tried this plan? Do you have another plan? Feel free to talk to me!

      | 0 Comments Tagged Black, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Femara, Fertility, Fertility Center Patient, Infertility, Letrozole, OVulation, Pregnancy, Sperm Meets Egg Plan, Two Week Wait
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