Chasing Baby Mayr

An Honest and Hopeful Fertility Blog
Chasing Baby Mayr
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    • Cycle 15: Day 9 Having A Plan Can Lessen The Guilt and Anxiety of Infertility

      Posted at 6:10 am by amayr1984, on February 5, 2019

      If you have read any of my previous posts from the cycles before you will realize that one of my great struggles with infertility (besides of course the whole not getting pregnant thing) is wrestling with the dreaded Two Week Wait.

      The Two Week Wait is a time of such anxiety for many women who are trying to get pregnant so this isn’t something unique to me and for most of it, typically I am fine. The last week of it I become a monster of mood swings and anxiety before crying my eyes out because of my negative test or getting my period and then quiet acceptance of the fact that I live to try to get pregnant another month.

      I make it through though it is an annoying and hellacious rollercoaster ride. In talking with my husband tonight I realized that some of the worst feelings during this time is the anxiety of did we really do everything we possibly could to get pregnant?

      And there really isn’t a hell of a lot you can do except try to have sex on the right days and take your prenatal and not smoke or drink too much and hope for the best. There is so little control in all of this that the lack of control itself can become a source of anxiety because we know we can’t do much about it but we know it just happens to so many people do why isn’t it just happening to us?

      Often times my husband and I struggle to get to or stick to a plan that is consistent with Trying to Conceive because it is work. The sex isn’t extremely romantic and sometimes you really don’t feel like having sex at all. It’s a grind at 15 months and we have tweaked and then not gone through with the tweaking because someone didn’t want to do it that much or couldn’t or whatever.

      And then when you are in the Two Week Wait you just sit there and you think bitterly “well what if we had done it that one more day!” Those nagging doubts sit on your mind as you wait. You look at your calendar repeatedly and gauge your chances, check your basal body temperature chart and obsess over your Ava data all that week hanging on to hope while sanity slips away.

      And this is where Sperm Meets Egg came in and has been a centering force for me. Having a plan, and sticking to the plan and executing it makes you feel like no matter what we gave it our best shot. And knowing that provides some kind of peace because as I said you can’t control much of anything about getting pregnant anyway. But the sex schedule, well that you can control. And Sperm Meets Egg makes a LOT of sense.

      The basic break down of the plan is that you start having sex every other day from Cycle Day 8 on. You take ovulation predictor kits and when you get a positive you have sex those next three days in a row, skip a day and have sex one more time. This, to me is great because it allows you to cover a wide span of your calendar without making your partner stay on top of you every other day all cycle as some other plans suggest. Perhaps for those in their 20s that is sustainable but I am 34 and my husband is 40 and we just don’t have the stamina for that much robotic sex. That also leaves us some time at the end of the month to have actual lust based sex which I think makes my husband happy.

      Today we completed the Sperm Meets Egg plan. I am pretty sure I ovulated two days ago but we had sex on that day and yesterday was our break and today was our last day. As I spoke with my husband I realized that I was at peace because I know we researched a plan (ok I researched it) we executed it and now we gave the best shot we could towards pregnancy. The rest is up to nature, my body and whatever magic the universe has that is involved with this. But I did my part. There are no regrets on my end and no doubts.

      And losing that anxiety means the world. Have you tried this plan? Do you have another plan? Feel free to talk to me!

      | 0 Comments Tagged Black, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Femara, Fertility, Fertility Center Patient, Infertility, Letrozole, OVulation, Pregnancy, Sperm Meets Egg Plan, Two Week Wait
    • Praise The Black Fertility Goddesses: Cycle 15 Day 1 is HERE!

      Posted at 10:05 pm by amayr1984, on January 18, 2019

      I am so happy to have my period.

      It is painful, and exhausting and as much as I wanted to workout today the Midol is not taking the edge off enough for me to hope to make it to boot camp so it is a wrap on that. I will be staying home with heat on my stomach and hydrating my life away.

      And making plans for this next cycle. The next race is upon me and my energy is back mentally. The rollercoaster is all set up again for the ups and downs to come.

      I called my reproductive endocrinologist nurse’s desk today and I have to get scheduled for an Ultrasound on Monday to make sure my follicles retreated since I had some really big ones (though of course the big ones didn’t yield me the baby I want). before I can start my Letrozole again at 7.5 MG. Because of this I will be starting it later than Cycle Day 3 so this may mess up my timing on predicting my ovulation. I am not sure. I just hope it isn’t a cyst on my ovaries which is a possibility the nurse wanted to check for. I don’t need any extra hurtles on this journey.

      On the supplement forefront I have added iron in to my list of supplements to try to help me get pregnant. I also ordered some Evening Prim Rose Oil to take the first half of the cycle up to ovulation to help with my cervical mucus since I did not notice much last cycle. I will also take Mucinex the week we are trying as well. One of my theories is perhaps my cervical mucus is a little hostile to my husband’s sperm and that is causing some issues. I am hoping by creating a more lubricated environment it will help the sperm get to where they need to get. I also added Flax Seed Oil because I just can’t stand the gummy fish oil. They are very gross and I have not taken them for a long while. So my current supplement list and medication list this cycle will be (bold were my RE’s additions. Not bold were my own):

      Letrozole 7.5 MG (3 tablets a day for 5 days)
      Iron
      Flaxseed Oil
      Evening Prim Rose Oil ( week before and of ovulation ONLY)
      Folic Acid 1Mg
      Levothyroxcine
      Metformin
      CoQ10
      Mucinex (fertile week only)
      Sugar Bear Hair Vitamins (First Two Weeks Only)
      One A Day Prenatal (Last Two Weeks)
      PreMama Drink Mix (Last Week of Two Week Wait until test or period)

      I have also encouraged my husband to drink more water so that we can make sure his semen also can further support the sperm motility. He had a great semen analysis and I have had 2-4 dominant follicles every time I go to get the ultra sound down on Letrozole so we have the ingredients certainly but we seem to not be able to get the sperm where it needs to go. My uterine lining is always good and thick and last cycle my progesterone is good. Of course even in optimal conditions there is only a 25% chance but the best thing we can do is try to have 4 or 5 months where we are getting the whole 25 percent. Ovulation was our initial hurtle and now I think if we can keep everything else right (good cervical mucus, good semen, timed intercourse and decent diet) we can at least optimize our chances.

      I am considering going to IUI route once I get back to work and can borrow a little change from my 401K if we don’t get pregnant in the next cycle. I am willing to wait another cycle if necessary but I really am hopeful we can make this happen before I return to work and both or our schedules become busy again.

      Another thing I am going to incorporate this go round is the meditation feature on the Glow App for Premium users. I paid for the premium membership on the app because they had a sale for New Years and I do use it primarily.

      And I am committed to attending yoga on Thursdays. I was supposed to go yesterday but went to a social gathering that ran long so I missed it. And the food was nasty at the gathering however I think for my mental health talking to others I had not seen in forever was extremely good for me.

      The main goal of this cycle for me is I want to come back and read this post when I am in the two week wait and center myself some more.

      It is important for me to remember that I am not a failure. This is a process. It is not the race I envision. Baby Mayr is not always at the end of the finish line. Sometimes the race has no winner and I will never know which race is the one that does. I just have to keep running. It is ok to want to be a mother. It is ok to spend the time and money and effort and energy on this journey and even if I do not get pregnant, I can know I did my best and just keep trying to focus on getting there.

      I am healthy. I just need some help getting pregnant. And it may take time. My husband and I deserve this though and eventually we will be rewarded. In the mean time I am going to continue to work on my mood, my finances and getting my home the way I want it so that when the time comes I can welcome my pregnancy and eventually my baby in the most peaceful environment possible.

      I am worthy.

      I will be a mother.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Acceptance, Black, Cycle Day One, Femara, Glow, Growth, Infertility, Letrozole, Motherhood, Mucinex, New Chance, Pregnancy
    • Cycle Day 23: Sick And Defensive

      Posted at 2:09 am by amayr1984, on January 11, 2019

      Last night was absolutely treacherous for me. I stayed up all night being sick. I threw up this morning and it was painful. I don’t know if I have a stomach bug or what is going on. As with anything in the Two Week Wait the fear at that point becomes “am I jeopardizing my potential for conception?” You know that is the drag of the Two Week Wait. You think everything is going to cause you to not become pregnant, however there is nothing you can really do even if you know that is the fact. I can’t not have a stomach bug.

      The worst however was losing my appetite. I have struggled with that in the past with my depression, most significantly when my father passed. Today being sick and throwing up made me not anxious to eat, however I got some chicken noodle soup at Chic Fil A before our couple’s counseling session.

      That only went OK today. I thought we were going in on really good terms but I took a ton of offense when my husband said he was worried about me and my sleeping so much and struggling to have a good appetite. I felt attacked because I really feel like I put a great effort into TRYING to be ok even when all of this is very overwhelming. I exercise. I eat healthy when I do eat and I do not sleep well when I sleep. Part of why I have been sleeping so much lately is that my luteal phase causes me to be very restless when I sleep. The hormone shifts keep me awake at night. I am sure my husband meant well but hearing things like that make me feel hopeless because I feel like I am carrying a lot of weight trying to achieve this pregnancy. I am taking a ton of medications it seems like and that Metformin just really makes me feel awful but I know it is helping me ovulate so I soldier on. Maybe I need to get on a more regular schedule and start taking it closer to the same time but I always take it with my first meal and that all depends on when I get up and when I feel like eating.

      I wish I felt like my husband trusts that I am going to take care of myself during this pregnancy. What he was saying today made me feel inadequate in a time where I feel like I am giving everything I can.

      Here is the thing: I do enjoy sleeping and I want to do that without setting off alarm bells that I am in some kind of crisis with my husband. My depression largely manifests as loss of appetite and sleeping so I get why he is alarmed but I am not in a bad place right now in my opinion and the hardest part of dealing with depression is having people watching you waiting for you slip back. You want them to enjoy you while you’re well and just be supportive when you’re not. My doctor took me off my medications for this attempt at pregnancy so I am giving it all my best and taking medication that regulates your blood sugar and has the side effect of suppressing your appetite is not going to make you extremely energetic either.

      The best support a person can give someone who is trying to conceive is to listen, and don’t judge. I am sure my husband has very reasonable concerns and I need to listen to them too. And try not to be so sensitive about them but it is hard not to be sensitive when you are giving your all to something. I hope in time we can gain understanding. I know I am going to be a great and healthy mother and I know I am going to take care of our baby when we are pregnant.

      As of right now though I am not sure of how I feel. If I think I am pregnant or not. Time passes when I am sure I am going to have twins for some reason I can’t explain then at other times that dread washes over me that I will get another negative test on Monday and be gearing up to chase Baby Mayr all over again for the 15th time. I asked my husband how he will feel if we’re not pregnant. He said “I’m reserving my feelings for my own blog.”

      At least I can laugh during the two week wait. And having a sparkling water since I drink til it is pink.

      Please, be pink.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Black, Conceive, Depression, Infertility, Pregnancy, To, Two Week Wait, Woman
    • Recent Posts

      • Cycle 19 Reflections
      • Cycle 18 Failed So Happy Early Still Not A Mother’s Day To Me
      • Cycle 17 Cycle Day 21: The Yellow Nursery Has Begun
      • Cycle 17 Day 14: Gonal F, Letrozole, The Fertility Diet, It Starts With The Egg and Hope
      • Cycle 16 Day 27: Injectable Medications Arrived With Another Big Fat Negative
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