Chasing Baby Mayr

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Chasing Baby Mayr
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    • CD 27: The Big Fat Negative Wins Again And The Race Resets

      Posted at 9:25 pm by amayr1984, on January 14, 2019

      I actually didn’t cry so very much this time. The saddest part is you get used to the pain. A callous forms and you can still feel it but less and less as time goes on. Over a year and you cannot help but harden to the constant disappointment. You cannot help but have the most agonizing negative thoughts after you have faced your dragon and been burned yet again. You cannot help but resent you body, and the people who get pregnant without trying and brag about it, and the people who will inevitably get pregnant before you do in the journey moving forward. Mostly you will resent those who will try in futility to comfort you when they know all you want is a baby, your own baby and not their meaningless words of “rah rah rah! You’ll get em next time Tiger!” Say do you know how many next times I have been through? Even the words lose their impact as the pain creates the callous. They hit the same hard spot and bounce right back off.

      So no I didn’t cry so much this time. I woke up at 4:30 am after having gotten a fairly decent night’s sleep (which should have also been a warning sign because I sleep terribly during the Two Week Wait when my temperatures are up). I checked my Ava against my better judgment and there was another temperature drop. It was still above the cover line but low enough that I knew that it wasn’t a promising sign. I lay there wondering should I just take the test now or would I even be able to fall back asleep with that looming over my head. After a while of laying there I decided to get it out of the way.

      On the long, but actually ridiculously short walk to the master bathroom I lived a thousand different moments of pregnancy test anxiety and reflection. I thought about all the times I had come to this same bathroom to get my heartbroken repeatedly this entire year and a couple of months now. I thought about the one chemical I had and how it had later been undone in that same bathroom hours later. I still hoped, because you always hope.

      When you grasp that package of First Response Early Response and you begin unwrapping it you can’t help but to hope. You want someone, anyone, or in this case anything to tell you that what you have already told yourself will be is wrong. You deserve that. I mean haven’t you suffered enough? You pull the stick out and pop the pink plastic top off and you think for a moment that there are so many people in the world who don’t even WANT those two pink lines who are going to get them this morning. There are so many people who are in the middle about what they want who will get them. Then there are those who absolutely are dying to get them like you this morning. Who have put on hold drinking, and coffee, and trips to Zika islands and have taken pills and vitamins and their entire sex lives have become timed intercourse…the fertility soldiers. We have put in work for it. And you pee on the stick and you dream that no matter what your temperature and your body is telling you…this time you are going to get what you deserve.

      This time you will get those two pink lines. You recap the test.

      You watch it develop. You watch as the moisture slides into the window and across that oval and you wait for that second line to fill in. You wait and you think of the look on your partner’s face when you tell him or her. You think of the joy you will feel and the time you will spend decorating the nursery as the moisture reaches the end of the window. You think of the baby shower and the surprised looks from friends and family when you tell them. And you think of the Facebook announcement and how you will recount your success, finally, to all the people in all those trying to conceive groups and message boards you are on. You remind yourself you will be sensitive that other people are trying so you will never start out bragging about how simple it was or it only happened in one cycle! Not you. You will remember that you were once them and you will write the most thoughtful recap of how YOU got YOUR very own…

      Big Fat Negative.

      And excuse me because I don’t know how to flip it around. That second line never colored. The last line, it always does. So you stare at it some more and you think maybe you see something. You trick yourself that those moments are still so very possible.

      You don’t see anything. Because there is nothing to see. There is nothing in your uterus. There will be nothing in your nursery. There will be no Facebook announcement.

      You hold the test up to the light to make sure you don’t see anything.

      Then you throw it in the trash because you want to get far away from it. Months previous you might have dug it out to just make sure there was nothing on it. But YOU, you are a veteran of infertility now. You know looking 6 more times won’t change anything. Besides you have to wash the deep conditioner out of your head that you wore over night so you can get back to your bed and have the good cry that is always in order and terrorize yourself with anger, self doubt and resentment.

      I texted my husband soon after. He called me from work and he is sick. I feel bad for him because I know he cannot help me and yet he wants to help me. I know he doesn’t even think about how not being pregnant is effecting him at all. But I wish he would. I wish he would say he is so disappointed too and thought we really did everything right and he will just be miserable if we don’t get pregnant some time soon as well. He doesn’t. He feels he has to be strong for me and listen to my feelings. But my feelings about my infertility have eaten our relationship whole. I don’t even know that he really likes me anymore because I am just so miserable all the time, who could? But that’s just me taking this out on myself isn’t it?

      It’s not my fault I am not pregnant. Logically I know this. I lay in the bed for a couple of hours after talking to my husband and I just go over in my mind all the what ifs and scenarios that would somehow make me even more miserable. If his brother and sister in law got pregnant before us after being married for a much shorter time. If we don’t get pregnant in the next 6 months. If we never get pregnant.

      What if I never get to be a mother? Why I won’t be happy. I won’t. I don’t know if I will never be happy because I can’t be if I do not become a mother or if I won’t allow that for myself because I keep repurposing this struggle into a personal failure?

      When I do finally wake up again it is 1:33pm and I cannot believe I slept so late. I had nightmares I can’t recall but none of them are as scary as the reality I face. Another month ahead.

      Another race. Will I ever catch Baby Mayr? Will it ever not hurt to get a negative pregnancy test.

      Will I ever smile and think…”well we got this next month!”

      I don’t know. I just know I don’t like riding this ride or running this race much at all. I don’t like knowing the hurt over and over and over again. I want to know victory.

      And why for me, potential victory means so much suffering.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Ava, Baby, Black motherhood, Depression, Fear, Hope, Hurt, Infertility, Motherhood, Pain, Sperm, Trying To Conceive, Trying To Get Pregnant
    • Cycle Day 26: Temperature and Spirit Drops

      Posted at 10:54 pm by amayr1984, on January 13, 2019

      Anyone who does Basal Body Temping knows that temperature drops, no matter how small, feel foreboding during this time in your cycle. (I use the Ava and the skin temperatures from that I input into my chart. Works on the same basic principal I just don’t have to remember the thermometer every morning)

      I woke up today to that drop and to a sense of dread and sadness. I do not want to seem the pessimist…or is it possible I have seemed the pessimist this entire time anyway. I can read back and double check on that one I guess.

      I got annoyed with my husband because he went out to go get storage boxes and stopped over to help his brother with something or other. I don’t really care he stopped over to help his brother but today was the day we were going to clean out the spare room to make room for the potential nursery I will do the painting on when I get some money to buy paint (a lot of requirements to be met). It felt like once again he was gone somewhere else doing something else when there was plenty to do at our house. It was partially selfish and unfair of me but also partially very true in the emotional moment I was in. I expressed my irritation. Thankfully it didn’t turn into a fight but I can tell it is still a source of tension between us. I just needed him today but he can’t ever fully understand the angst or dread I am going through anyway waiting to test. Do our partners truly understand any of it? He’s not even on a countdown. I had to remind him tomorrow I will be testing. It’s not really happening to him so it’s not a weight on his shoulders. Only some of the aftermath is.

      And…I hate testing. Whatever comes up I will post it and share it. I have the strong feeling it is a big fat negative since my temperatures are going down again. I don’t feel any cramps or anything particular but that doesn’t mean anything. I don’t feel very different either.

      Now is the time where I reflect what could have been done differently? Why are we so unlucky? Now is the time where I prepare to feel sorry for myself tomorrow. I wish I could march forward into the testing with a brave and confident face. I wish I could take that test and say to myself “I Know I Am Pregnant” even if I am not. I wish I could just believe that for a change because the sadness is harder. I did believe these things once a few months ago but the disappointment just weighs you down and it mocks you when you try to lift yourself up again.

      Remember down here where you always are? Remember.

      I wish I did not.

      As we cleaned out the room today I did begin to feel a small sense of destiny. I didn’t enjoy moving all that stuff into the basement mind you but I did enjoy getting rid of a lot of trash and clearing out the space. We have a lot of clutter that is very unnecessary. It is funny to see what you have accumulated when you really sit down and go over everything. Old dresses from college that I quickly put on Poshmark to try to get rid of because some of them are still in great condition. Old stuffed animals, Tons of books you haven’t even thought about…there is so much one accumulates over the span of their life and I am someone who gets rid of things two times a year and yet here was so much still. It was a bit of a relief to gather all that stuff up and move it out of the room.

      I found myself focusing on minor details afterwards that I hadn’t noticed like how the walls were textured and I didn’t particularly like that. Truth is all of our walls are textured and I just find it so irritating. So I was nitpicking even the thing that was supposed to be possibly bringing me so much joy which is getting to paint this nursery. Getting to believe that a baby will be in it one day.

      I don’t plan to buy anything for it before I get a positive pregnancy test. My husband wants me to but I feel if I do it will become my crying place while we continue to try. I don’t want that. I don’t want my depression to taint that room that will one day be the source of so much joy. But I do want to paint it. I do want to invest in it since investing in myself so much hasn’t yielded what I wanted yet.

      I want this baby so much. I will continue to chase you but please do not make me chase you anymore.

      Please do not make me spend this last day before they make me test trying to do some all encompassing chore so that the hours will drift by and I can ignore my sadness again.

      The truth is I want tomorrow’s test to be positive, of course. I just fear that it will not be and I will have to run this race again. The emotions are the worst part of this race. The changes of hearts and the slipping from hopeful to filled with despair. Trying to read your body even though you swear you aren’t doing just that. Your spouse joking you are pregnant even when you find yourself creating a superstition that doing so is damning so please join me in that superstition. O truly, they will never ever know what it is like for us to live this torture. They will see our moods and probably dread the two week wait for that reason alone but they will never know what it is like to be in it.

      To exist in anxiety, dread, hopefulness and fear all at once and to wait to take that test that you don’t want to be negative but it has been so so so many times. They will never know.

      Tomorrow I hope it will not be something I will know again. I hope this is my last two week wait for a long time. Please.

      The nursery is empty now and it just needs to be painted the way I want. The clutter is gone. We are waiting for you, Baby Mayr. Chasing you. Please let us catch you.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Ava, Basal Body Temperature, Charting, Depression, Glow, Hope, Infertility, Personal, Pregnancy Test, Two Week Wait
    • Cycle Day 23: Sick And Defensive

      Posted at 2:09 am by amayr1984, on January 11, 2019

      Last night was absolutely treacherous for me. I stayed up all night being sick. I threw up this morning and it was painful. I don’t know if I have a stomach bug or what is going on. As with anything in the Two Week Wait the fear at that point becomes “am I jeopardizing my potential for conception?” You know that is the drag of the Two Week Wait. You think everything is going to cause you to not become pregnant, however there is nothing you can really do even if you know that is the fact. I can’t not have a stomach bug.

      The worst however was losing my appetite. I have struggled with that in the past with my depression, most significantly when my father passed. Today being sick and throwing up made me not anxious to eat, however I got some chicken noodle soup at Chic Fil A before our couple’s counseling session.

      That only went OK today. I thought we were going in on really good terms but I took a ton of offense when my husband said he was worried about me and my sleeping so much and struggling to have a good appetite. I felt attacked because I really feel like I put a great effort into TRYING to be ok even when all of this is very overwhelming. I exercise. I eat healthy when I do eat and I do not sleep well when I sleep. Part of why I have been sleeping so much lately is that my luteal phase causes me to be very restless when I sleep. The hormone shifts keep me awake at night. I am sure my husband meant well but hearing things like that make me feel hopeless because I feel like I am carrying a lot of weight trying to achieve this pregnancy. I am taking a ton of medications it seems like and that Metformin just really makes me feel awful but I know it is helping me ovulate so I soldier on. Maybe I need to get on a more regular schedule and start taking it closer to the same time but I always take it with my first meal and that all depends on when I get up and when I feel like eating.

      I wish I felt like my husband trusts that I am going to take care of myself during this pregnancy. What he was saying today made me feel inadequate in a time where I feel like I am giving everything I can.

      Here is the thing: I do enjoy sleeping and I want to do that without setting off alarm bells that I am in some kind of crisis with my husband. My depression largely manifests as loss of appetite and sleeping so I get why he is alarmed but I am not in a bad place right now in my opinion and the hardest part of dealing with depression is having people watching you waiting for you slip back. You want them to enjoy you while you’re well and just be supportive when you’re not. My doctor took me off my medications for this attempt at pregnancy so I am giving it all my best and taking medication that regulates your blood sugar and has the side effect of suppressing your appetite is not going to make you extremely energetic either.

      The best support a person can give someone who is trying to conceive is to listen, and don’t judge. I am sure my husband has very reasonable concerns and I need to listen to them too. And try not to be so sensitive about them but it is hard not to be sensitive when you are giving your all to something. I hope in time we can gain understanding. I know I am going to be a great and healthy mother and I know I am going to take care of our baby when we are pregnant.

      As of right now though I am not sure of how I feel. If I think I am pregnant or not. Time passes when I am sure I am going to have twins for some reason I can’t explain then at other times that dread washes over me that I will get another negative test on Monday and be gearing up to chase Baby Mayr all over again for the 15th time. I asked my husband how he will feel if we’re not pregnant. He said “I’m reserving my feelings for my own blog.”

      At least I can laugh during the two week wait. And having a sparkling water since I drink til it is pink.

      Please, be pink.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Black, Conceive, Depression, Infertility, Pregnancy, To, Two Week Wait, Woman
    • CD 21: Progesterone Draw And Depression

      Posted at 1:26 am by amayr1984, on January 9, 2019

      Today is the 21st day in my cycle and I am about halfway through the dreaded Two Week Wait. Tomorrow is usually when I start to get anxious and worry about whether or not I am actually pregnant this time. I hope blogging helps me to avoid those feelings. I hope processing them helps to keep me from becoming a wreck this last week of my cycle. That is all I want.

      I have been extremely tired lately and I have been sleeping an awful lot and not experiencing very much hunger. I’m not sure if it is a physical ailment or just general depression but I am plugging alone just the same. I rolled around in the bed til about 2pm today. I wished I could sleep longer but I simply couldn’t. I had been dreaming about 3 amazing little girls and a happy family that I was apart of. They were my daughters you see and I did not want to wake up. I wished to return to my dream with all 3 of them. I do want 3 children and would actually like to have at least one of each but a dream with any children is wonderful. It is better than the real life situation anyway.

      I arose and had breakfast but I really didn’t have much of a taste for anything. I have been eating oatmeal with maple syrup and chocolate protein powder with toast. Afterwards I took off to get my blood drawn to check my Progesterone. I said in the previous post that I have long believed my inability to get pregnant is due to low progesterone so this test is a big deal for me. I actually hope I am wrong. My greatest hope is that I will fall pregnant this cycle so of course I want the test to come back high enough to indicate I ovulated. That would be so wonderful. I’m sort of nervous about what the results may be. I hope they are posted tomorrow so I can get some kind of closure.

      I also worked out at my local boot camp today and I was quite winded afterward. I felt like I would just pass out so I stopped off and got tacos and went home and just relaxed. I have been watching Dynasty reruns again since I got home as there is nothing on TV to really distract me. And I plan to practice my Spanish and Italian tonight as well. I find that staying busy somehow does distract me in this time period of waiting.

      I have to take a test per my RE at cycle day 26 to see if I am pregnant. This is my least favorite part of this journey. I had a chemical pregnancy last April so after that I really have tried not to do any testing and just let my period start. I find it is better not to get your hopes up and you can stare yourself into seeing anything on those tests when you want it so badly. I have believed I have seen a faint line on the starkest of white negative tests and logically I know it is negative but my heart continues to ask me to just keep looking. Keep looking for the baby I constantly hope is there. After that I usually hold up well and then I am a wreck on cycle day 1 when my period comes until I tell myself well I can try again soon.

      Tryin again soon. I have been trying again for quite some time now. For today I want to focus on being hopeful, and believing I could become pregnant. People usually implant between days 7 and 12 post ovulation so I am hopeful I will become pregnant and this is the end of the line with all the medications and the time intercourse. It has been a bit of a strain.

      I’m just ready to be a mother.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Cycle, Day, Depression, Infertility, One, Progesterone
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