There is my chart and there is my screaming Big Fat Negative. Perhaps my 10th one or so while trying to conceive as some cycles I did not even test because I got so sick of seeing them. My Reproductive Endocrinologist makes me test now though so I can’t hide from the hurt of the one line staring back at me from that window.
The stark whiteness haunts you when you want that other pink line so badly you dream about it night after night before your test day. You want to be positive but this is where being positive hurts. Because you feel like well maybe you wouldn’t be so sad if you didn’t tell yourself “this could be my month!” even if it was quietly in the back of your mind that you told yourself.
Maybe you would feel less ridiculous if you hadn’t dared to dream about giving your husband a great surprise on Valentine’s Day of a positive pregnancy test since you guys are so broke now thanks to your unexpected job loss that you can’t get each other real gifts. So broke when you were bringing in comfortable incomes and even that job loss feels like an injustice in itself.
What a cruel word we live in where women who want babies wake up on Valentine’s Day to an empty uterus, one line peering back from that white window and the heartache of inadequacy and the fear of how you are going to survive these next months and continue trying to get pregnant.
The one thing that has continued to seem so utterly impossible. The race is almost over again and I don’t see my baby, our baby, at the finish line just as I haven’t months and months before. And I do wonder why that is that I can dream of this baby and these two pink lines but they are never truly there no matter what my husband and I do.
We are both sad today. Sad about so much. The way our lives are changing financially and now the loss yet again of what we both wanted. So sad.
I wish I could say just hang in there and your dreams will come true today. I can’t say that because even though I will hang in there I can’t help feeling that is a lie. I can’t help feeling like I’ve been hanging in here and all I got was a faint line in April 2018 to show for it for all of my hanging. I have way more hurt.
So the race will reset here in the next couple of days and we will try yet again. We will get injectables. I will take new medications and have new side effects and I will hope again no matter the fact that I am hurting so today.
A Happy Valentine’s Day