Posted at 5:32 am by amayr1984, on February 3, 2019
Well according to Glow my Two Week Wait started yesterday…BUT since Ava was more accurate last cycle I used Ava as my guide for when the Two Week Wait starts
Today. So today the rollercoaster begins. And as the hearts indicate my husband and I gave it a pretty good go. Waiting for my temperature to spike to confirm ovulation which I hope happens tonight going into tomorrow. I am very excited and hopeful right now…but I remain realistic. This is my third round of Letrozole and we did have some decent follicles showing so I am just allowing myself the space to accept that we gave it our best shot and what will be will be. We really couldn’t have done much different. The past two days my husband had some difficulty because his stomach was bothering him so we used a menstrual cup as a way to sort of inseminate and I put my legs in the air while I did my meditation. I am hopeful that will be good enough for those days but we have had quite a bit of sex and have stayed hydrated and so I am not sure what more we could have done at all.
This is the tricky part. You can do everything right and still come up short. So you have to try to focus and stay positive because honestly there is no way to predict success with this.
You just have to…wait. For Two Weeks. So I will check in periodically and blog about my emotions like I normally do. I will be testing this cycle on the 15th with first morning urine. And I will go in hopeful that I won’t become a complete emotional wreck like I usually do. And that my husband and I don’t get into any fights and that we remain peaceful. That’s what I want is lots and lots of peace.
I cooked today which was huge for me and I talked to my brother on FaceTime which was very necessary because the Polar Vortex had me going stir crazy. I may make my way to the gym tomorrow. The weather has broken and it is much warmer. I am ready to get out of the house for a bit. It will do wonders for my depression. That much I know.
Anyone else going through the Two Week Wait with my I wish you lots of peace and lots of luck. I hope this is our time.
Posted at 7:53 pm by amayr1984, on January 31, 2019
Today is Peak OPK day. The best and most important day besides test day in the Trying to Conceive world. And it couldn’t have come at a more fraught time as my husband and I had another disagreement largely about nothing except our communication styles and I was so over and done with everything yesterday. Marriage, in itself, can be quite exhausting. I feel like I was dragged through the ringer last night and I woke up with the most terrible headache and a feeling of sadness. I do hate to fight with my husband so much. I wish we could be better at communicating with each other and not so sensitive to everything the other person says. I don’t know how and when we got like this but I miss the ease we once had. We had to cancel couple’s counseling this week due to the weather and maybe we just really needed to get to that session. Hopefully we can get another one scheduled in on my husband’s next Thursday off and we can instead be past all of this and focus on our goal here.
Which is, still Baby Mayr. Our elusive first child. I noticed last night when I wiped that I finally had some cervical mucus going on and it was the clear fertile kind thankfully. I do believe the Prim Rose and Mucinex is working and of course staying very hydrated. My husband and I were able to do the deed today and I meditated with the Glow meditation app afterwards. Now I am up and a little less drained from everything yesterday but still not truly ready to do anything today but just chill and relax. I want to fit in a home work out today as well and try to just stay in a peaceful space while we continue the sperm meets egg plan. Since we got our positive OPK today we will be having sex the next 3 days in a row, then skipping one day and having sex on last time for the plan this cycle. Hopefully we just continue having sex every other day until my period but we will see. I do not want to over exert my husband nor do I want sex to just be routine for us and not have and kind of meaning to it.
But I am, again, hopeful this cycle. I am hopeful that we will finally get our much desired Big Fat Positive. I am hopeful that we are running this race and will catch our baby at the finish line this time. I am so happy for this time in my cycle where I can be optimistic. It’s wonderful and I truly wish I could stay in this spot forever emotions wise. Even after the fight with my husband I am still warm and full of so much hope for us and a family. I know nothing can snatch that away except that dreaded Two Week Wait. In 2 days I will be in Trying to Conceive purgatory bargaining with the Creator and my ancestors for a positive pregnancy test and feeling hopeful, then dreadful then hopeful again. Maybe the Glow Meditations will help me not to be so anxious. We will see. I have acupuncture tomorrow as well which is perfectly timed with my ovulation.
Also Ava was more on the money with my ovulation this go round than Glow was yet again. I am impressed. Once I entered my OPK information in Glow picked my ovulation day for tomorrow but Ava has it at February 2nd and has had it at that the entire time this cycle. I have been super impressed with what this device has been able to do over time with reading my body. It’s supposed to be less accurate with medicated cycles but I have personally not found that to be the case. I think the first month medicated it was off but after that these past two medicated cycles it has been pretty close to spot on. Much better than Glow’s predictions pre OPKs.
Posted at 10:05 pm by amayr1984, on January 18, 2019
I am so happy to have my period.
It is painful, and exhausting and as much as I wanted to workout today the Midol is not taking the edge off enough for me to hope to make it to boot camp so it is a wrap on that. I will be staying home with heat on my stomach and hydrating my life away.
And making plans for this next cycle. The next race is upon me and my energy is back mentally. The rollercoaster is all set up again for the ups and downs to come.
I called my reproductive endocrinologist nurse’s desk today and I have to get scheduled for an Ultrasound on Monday to make sure my follicles retreated since I had some really big ones (though of course the big ones didn’t yield me the baby I want). before I can start my Letrozole again at 7.5 MG. Because of this I will be starting it later than Cycle Day 3 so this may mess up my timing on predicting my ovulation. I am not sure. I just hope it isn’t a cyst on my ovaries which is a possibility the nurse wanted to check for. I don’t need any extra hurtles on this journey.
On the supplement forefront I have added iron in to my list of supplements to try to help me get pregnant. I also ordered some Evening Prim Rose Oil to take the first half of the cycle up to ovulation to help with my cervical mucus since I did not notice much last cycle. I will also take Mucinex the week we are trying as well. One of my theories is perhaps my cervical mucus is a little hostile to my husband’s sperm and that is causing some issues. I am hoping by creating a more lubricated environment it will help the sperm get to where they need to get. I also added Flax Seed Oil because I just can’t stand the gummy fish oil. They are very gross and I have not taken them for a long while. So my current supplement list and medication list this cycle will be (bold were my RE’s additions. Not bold were my own):
Letrozole 7.5 MG (3 tablets a day for 5 days) Iron Flaxseed Oil Evening Prim Rose Oil ( week before and of ovulation ONLY) Folic Acid 1Mg Levothyroxcine Metformin CoQ10 Mucinex (fertile week only) Sugar Bear Hair Vitamins (First Two Weeks Only) One A Day Prenatal (Last Two Weeks) PreMama Drink Mix (Last Week of Two Week Wait until test or period)
I have also encouraged my husband to drink more water so that we can make sure his semen also can further support the sperm motility. He had a great semen analysis and I have had 2-4 dominant follicles every time I go to get the ultra sound down on Letrozole so we have the ingredients certainly but we seem to not be able to get the sperm where it needs to go. My uterine lining is always good and thick and last cycle my progesterone is good. Of course even in optimal conditions there is only a 25% chance but the best thing we can do is try to have 4 or 5 months where we are getting the whole 25 percent. Ovulation was our initial hurtle and now I think if we can keep everything else right (good cervical mucus, good semen, timed intercourse and decent diet) we can at least optimize our chances.
I am considering going to IUI route once I get back to work and can borrow a little change from my 401K if we don’t get pregnant in the next cycle. I am willing to wait another cycle if necessary but I really am hopeful we can make this happen before I return to work and both or our schedules become busy again.
Another thing I am going to incorporate this go round is the meditation feature on the Glow App for Premium users. I paid for the premium membership on the app because they had a sale for New Years and I do use it primarily.
And I am committed to attending yoga on Thursdays. I was supposed to go yesterday but went to a social gathering that ran long so I missed it. And the food was nasty at the gathering however I think for my mental health talking to others I had not seen in forever was extremely good for me.
The main goal of this cycle for me is I want to come back and read this post when I am in the two week wait and center myself some more.
It is important for me to remember that I am not a failure. This is a process. It is not the race I envision. Baby Mayr is not always at the end of the finish line. Sometimes the race has no winner and I will never know which race is the one that does. I just have to keep running. It is ok to want to be a mother. It is ok to spend the time and money and effort and energy on this journey and even if I do not get pregnant, I can know I did my best and just keep trying to focus on getting there.
I am healthy. I just need some help getting pregnant. And it may take time. My husband and I deserve this though and eventually we will be rewarded. In the mean time I am going to continue to work on my mood, my finances and getting my home the way I want it so that when the time comes I can welcome my pregnancy and eventually my baby in the most peaceful environment possible.
Posted at 10:54 pm by amayr1984, on January 13, 2019
Anyone who does Basal Body Temping knows that temperature drops, no matter how small, feel foreboding during this time in your cycle. (I use the Ava and the skin temperatures from that I input into my chart. Works on the same basic principal I just don’t have to remember the thermometer every morning)
I woke up today to that drop and to a sense of dread and sadness. I do not want to seem the pessimist…or is it possible I have seemed the pessimist this entire time anyway. I can read back and double check on that one I guess.
I got annoyed with my husband because he went out to go get storage boxes and stopped over to help his brother with something or other. I don’t really care he stopped over to help his brother but today was the day we were going to clean out the spare room to make room for the potential nursery I will do the painting on when I get some money to buy paint (a lot of requirements to be met). It felt like once again he was gone somewhere else doing something else when there was plenty to do at our house. It was partially selfish and unfair of me but also partially very true in the emotional moment I was in. I expressed my irritation. Thankfully it didn’t turn into a fight but I can tell it is still a source of tension between us. I just needed him today but he can’t ever fully understand the angst or dread I am going through anyway waiting to test. Do our partners truly understand any of it? He’s not even on a countdown. I had to remind him tomorrow I will be testing. It’s not really happening to him so it’s not a weight on his shoulders. Only some of the aftermath is.
And…I hate testing. Whatever comes up I will post it and share it. I have the strong feeling it is a big fat negative since my temperatures are going down again. I don’t feel any cramps or anything particular but that doesn’t mean anything. I don’t feel very different either.
Now is the time where I reflect what could have been done differently? Why are we so unlucky? Now is the time where I prepare to feel sorry for myself tomorrow. I wish I could march forward into the testing with a brave and confident face. I wish I could take that test and say to myself “I Know I Am Pregnant” even if I am not. I wish I could just believe that for a change because the sadness is harder. I did believe these things once a few months ago but the disappointment just weighs you down and it mocks you when you try to lift yourself up again.
Remember down here where you always are? Remember.
I wish I did not.
As we cleaned out the room today I did begin to feel a small sense of destiny. I didn’t enjoy moving all that stuff into the basement mind you but I did enjoy getting rid of a lot of trash and clearing out the space. We have a lot of clutter that is very unnecessary. It is funny to see what you have accumulated when you really sit down and go over everything. Old dresses from college that I quickly put on Poshmark to try to get rid of because some of them are still in great condition. Old stuffed animals, Tons of books you haven’t even thought about…there is so much one accumulates over the span of their life and I am someone who gets rid of things two times a year and yet here was so much still. It was a bit of a relief to gather all that stuff up and move it out of the room.
I found myself focusing on minor details afterwards that I hadn’t noticed like how the walls were textured and I didn’t particularly like that. Truth is all of our walls are textured and I just find it so irritating. So I was nitpicking even the thing that was supposed to be possibly bringing me so much joy which is getting to paint this nursery. Getting to believe that a baby will be in it one day.
I don’t plan to buy anything for it before I get a positive pregnancy test. My husband wants me to but I feel if I do it will become my crying place while we continue to try. I don’t want that. I don’t want my depression to taint that room that will one day be the source of so much joy. But I do want to paint it. I do want to invest in it since investing in myself so much hasn’t yielded what I wanted yet.
I want this baby so much. I will continue to chase you but please do not make me chase you anymore.
Please do not make me spend this last day before they make me test trying to do some all encompassing chore so that the hours will drift by and I can ignore my sadness again.
The truth is I want tomorrow’s test to be positive, of course. I just fear that it will not be and I will have to run this race again. The emotions are the worst part of this race. The changes of hearts and the slipping from hopeful to filled with despair. Trying to read your body even though you swear you aren’t doing just that. Your spouse joking you are pregnant even when you find yourself creating a superstition that doing so is damning so please join me in that superstition. O truly, they will never ever know what it is like for us to live this torture. They will see our moods and probably dread the two week wait for that reason alone but they will never know what it is like to be in it.
To exist in anxiety, dread, hopefulness and fear all at once and to wait to take that test that you don’t want to be negative but it has been so so so many times. They will never know.
Tomorrow I hope it will not be something I will know again. I hope this is my last two week wait for a long time. Please.
The nursery is empty now and it just needs to be painted the way I want. The clutter is gone. We are waiting for you, Baby Mayr. Chasing you. Please let us catch you.