Job Loss | Chasing Baby Mayr

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Cycle 15 Day 26: The Last Week Wait Fears Are Here Again

Posted at 2:33 am by amayr1984, on February 13, 2019

I came home from working out and I set two of the closest to expiration date pregnancy tests in the top drawer and closed it up.

I have studied my basal body temperature chart religiously for the past few hours and already I have felt some twinges in my stomach that have made me feel that Aunt Flo is on her way. There were brown specs when I wiped which I don’t know what that means but I assure you when you have tried as long as I have everything in these last few days seems like a bad omen.

Glow says my next period is scheduled to begin in 3 days and Ava says in 5. I think it is actually somewhere in between based on my chart (the spotting I used for the days I got the brown specs):

As you can see I got my dip a day after Glow claims I should have ovulated so I think that dip is the actual spot so about a day off I would say. This means I miscalculated and I can test on Valentine’s Day which would be so wonderful to get a big fat positive then. I always want to be wrong as I start to have those fears that this is again not my month.

And I have so many other fears to consider at this point as well with my impending job loss on Friday. I had great insurance and benefits so I am losing my greatest weapon in this TTC journey in that alone. My husband will move me to his insurance but I will have to come up with the money to pay for the medications myself somehow and they only get more expensive from here and my income is going to evaporate until I secure another job. I have an interview on Thursday as well as some pre interview stuff tomorrow so I am moving in the direction to make sure I won’t have a gap in wages but time is not on my side as a 34 year old trying to conceive and neither is money or my luck as it has been. I continue to have hope even in these strenuous times. I continue to work out and to meditate and to take my medications. I better go pick up all the refills I can before Friday (note to self).

I do not feel as devoid of hope as before because of course now there are other trials in my life that have overshadowed this journey so it is odd to have something else to worry about and does remove the focus off the thing that was the center of my life for quite some time now. It would honestly mean everything for me to find out I was pregnant coming up as so many new beginnings are on my horizon. I will try to stay positive because so much negative is going on in my life. I suppose no matter what that test says on Thursday there has to continue to be hope for us. I have to believe I will be a mother.

I only have to wonder what more it will cost me emotionally and now financially based on where I am at. But I should try my best not to count myself out of this thing before it’s even over.

Let’s wait for the empty window or the angry blood before we give up but let’s hope for 2 pink lines and 9 months of pregnancy instead.

| 0 Comments Tagged 10 Days Post Ovulation, Anxiety, Fear, Hope, Job Loss, Pregnancy, Trying To Conceive, Two Week Wait, TWW

Cycle 15 Day 23 And The Loom Of Unexpected Job Loss

Posted at 11:40 pm by amayr1984, on February 9, 2019

I am losing my job next Friday and it is one of the most heartbreaking and devastating experiences of mourning that I have gone through in some time. I absolutely love my job and everything that came with it except management. And so naturally, through some inaccuracies and misconceptions management is giving me the boot and I am entering the scariest part of my adult life.

I never thought I would be fired and it has thrown a wrench into my trying to conceive journey as well. Suddenly I couldn’t afford to go to acupuncture on Friday so that was gone. I was a wreck the first day after I found out and my doctor and my husband told me I had to not stress because I’m in the Two Week Wait and it is bad for me but who can be stress free when a whole paycheck has just evaporated into thin air the way mine is about to? I cannot be stress free. I cannot imagine how anyone can ask that of me. I need to do what I need to do and so I mourned hardcore the first two days trapped in a daze of disbelief. Cried to my mother and my husband and laid in bed watching Dynasty reruns skipping to the ones I could stomach because I am in season 7 now and it aint all good anymore.

Mostly I feel hurt to lose an amazing community of co workers and I truly enjoyed patient care. The benefits were also great. WageWorks and Priority Health are leaving me. I’m going to be entering a new territory with new struggles piled on my old struggles. And for what reason I cannot fathom. It doesn’t seem much of anything is going my way right now when I need it to most.

To make matters extra dramatic the day I test is the day I get to go in and officially get fired. So if I have a BFN of course that is really going to add to the depression of the day.

And if I have a BFP I will have some uncertainty but at the very least at least I will have some hope. More than any other month I hope I finally get my BFP. That something finally goes my way.

I have not ridden the emotional rollercoaster about my body as much this go round because I have other bigger things to worry about and endless jobs to apply for. I have so much other stuff on my mind that it hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind that I could finally become a mom or get two slaps in the face on the same day. My number one focus is applying for any and every job under the sun I can get my hands on.

I know and believe I will be vindicated in the long run and my name will be cleared. I believe that. I just don’t know what to make of the times ahead.

The new medications they expect me to take sound crappy if I am not pregnant this go round. Clomid and Ovidrel and Prometrium and there was a complicated schedule and calendar to it all…it’s only gonna get more twisted from here and we aren’t even talking IUI at this point. No we are talking about a whole bunch of shots just to do timed intercourse yet again. I don’t want that for myself. At age 34 the idea of stacking on more and more and more is just taxing.

Talking to my husband’s sister in law last night she said she and her husband plan to start trying in April. I hope their journey is much speedier than ours but I won’t lie that I would likely be jealous if they have the first child after we have been struggling along for such a while. I’ll be happy for them but disappointed of us.

But I am hopeful I am wrong this go round and that things are certainly going to work out in our favor. As I move forward with trying to piece my life back together I am going to try to seek more positive energy because I have seen some of the most negative things between the death of my father a couple years ago, my fertility struggles and the sudden loss of my job. I haven’t led a bad life and have usually gotten what I wanted so these last few years have truly been shockers. I can only hope for the best that they will get better and that happiness is around the corner and not more sadness.

I do not even know where we are in the race this time because I’m so focused on so many other things. But we will see what happens. Soon enough

| 0 Comments Tagged Black Women Trying To Conceive, Dynasty, Job Loss, Pregnancy, Trying To Conceive, Trying To Get Pregnant, Two Week Wait

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