Chasing Baby Mayr

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    • Cycle 17 Day 14: Gonal F, Letrozole, The Fertility Diet, It Starts With The Egg and Hope

      Posted at 3:19 am by amayr1984, on April 1, 2019

      I never ever ever imagined when I started out I would be this far in and baby less. It doesn’t get any easier to consider either how long we have been at this and how far I have no become invested.

      I am on the injectables now. This is an all encompassing experience. I have to do like 2-3 ultrasounds a cycle, and I get to give myself injections at least 7 days out of my cycle. I still have to take all of the medications I have been taking and Letrozole is back (thank God! Less side effects) and the Clomid is gone. I had a great follicle reading. 4 that were likely going to mature and release. They warned me about multiples but internally I laughed.

      You’ve said that before. And we haven’t had a baby. So I’m not scared. The only thing I don’t want is Aunt Flow again. Give me anything else in a health baby or 3. I just want my baby or babies. I’ll take them. You can’t scare me.

      We didn’t do SMEP all the way as husband wasn’t feeling it much. He could only go two of the three days we needed this time but at least it was the two most important. I think I ovulated today and we covered Friday and late last night as well. Today we tried but his spirit just wasn’t in it. I just hope it is enough. I always feel better when we get all of they days covered because at least I know we did our best. But at this point I have learned there is no reason to even bother getting upset if we can’t do all the days. People have gotten pregnant off of one roll in the hay. It’s all timing after you get all the other kinks worked out or if you’re lucky to have no kinks at all. We just have to hope our timing is best for once. Just for once.

      I read It Starts With The Egg finally and I am going to cut my BPA exposure. I started cleaning with gloves on and eventually I am going to switch to more natural cleaning products. I purchased a ton of glass storage containers that I am going to pick up from Macy’s when they come in and start using instead of plastic and I am more diligent about checking to make sure things I use are advertised as BPA free. But mostly I am trying to stick to glass an paper and also trying not to touch too many receipts. There is a lot to remember but if I can do all of that an improve my egg quality then perhaps I will get pregnant with my baby finally. And if I get pregnant soon then it is good not to expose the baby to a lot of BPA as well anyway. It is a win win.

      Along with that I have opted for the fertility diet except I cannot bring myself to drink whole milk. I will stick with almond milk and hope for the best. We got a blender so what I can’t stand to eat which is most vegetables and avocados will be blended up with fruit and I will get it that way. Happy to say so far I have been doing pretty good about eating what I am supposed to (no red meat and no white bread. Lots of vegetables and fruit. Nuts etc) though I have been snacking on candy a bit too much at my new job trying to stay awake while in training with those powerpoints.

      I remain focused on my goal and hopeful a lot of months of injections and nothing are not ahead for us. My husband is wearing out I feel and it is wearing on our marriage. Likewise I am becoming listless about the experience at this point because it is so hard to try everything and come up with nothing and you see people trying nothing and winding up with a baby. It’s just such a frustrating and lonely experience and you just obsess even as you lose enthusiasm. I will never ever give up hope for our baby and never stop chasing him or her I just hope the end is near. I am not sure how many more cycles I can take of this same old thing.

      | 0 Comments Tagged BPA, Chasing Baby Mayr, Letrozole, OVulation, The Fertility Diet, Trying To Conceive
    • Cycle 16 Day 2: Infertility Is Sadness and Emptiness Holding You Hostage With No Ransom

      Posted at 4:01 am by amayr1984, on February 19, 2019

      I’m trapped in so much pain today.

      As the number of cycles we have been trying racks up with the challenges of life that are building up over my head (unexpected job loss being the main one) I find myself so tired and hopeless some days. It feels stupid to keep hoping for something that has over and over shown you that it is not going to happen. People would call it being negative but being positive has netted me what exactly? Nothing. The same nothing that being negative right now has gotten me.

      I am not pregnant. I am not any closer to being a mother than I was last month and I don’t know if this month will get me pregnant either. I know I will trying. I know I will never stop trying but I also know that the world is continuing to move on without me and I am feeling more and more left behind and alone and not just because I haven’t gotten pregnant.

      Sure all my friends and my husband’s friends’ kids are all growing up while we hump along month after month and I bleed at the end and then we start over and sure the daily grind of my job has continued to move on even though I am no longer there reminding me I never mattered there either after 7.5 years of service because in the end things will still go on without you. Life, work, family…everything keeps moving forward.

      And how lonely for those of us who are not getting what we want out of the forward progression. How lonely for me. 16 months in trying. Why if I had gotten pregnant the first month I’d have a 6 month old by now. That’s how long we have been at this unsuccessfully. I’d probably be a happier person too.

      I hope I’d be a happier person. Because are there lows lower than this? I am sure there are. I’m sure pregnancy loss has to hurt way worse than this right now but right now nothing feels lower than this. Nothing feels lower than the ache and the want to be pregnant and the reality that I am not.

      The inability of my husband to find the right things to say and the unfair expectation that he should know what to say to me all mixes in to the quiet disappointment that is our stalled and non existent little family outside of him and me. We never wanted it to be just us two and I can’t be happy with it being just us two. I can be ok but I can never be happy with it being like this. And I don’t feel selfish or ugly in saying that because it is honest. I want 3 children. I’m 34 and I have absolutely none. And I don’t feel closer to my first one.

      I called my RE today and Clomid. Clomid again. I hate Clomid. But Letrozole let us down 3 good times with all the follicles we could hope for we got no baby in return. So maybe it’s time to try Clomid again.

      But is it ok to believe in Clomid? Is the right thing to do is believe that this could work? It would feel like it is. It would seem like it is. But then if it doesn’t work then what? Just more sadness, emptiness and loneliness. All feelings I am endlessly tired of. Trigger shot. Follicle Stimulating Hormone. All of it is in my future.

      And then maybe IUI later on. If we can afford it. Because now that I lost my job what we can afford has changed. The odds were already against us but now another obstacle. Now more hardship for us instead of any bit more of happiness.

      I don’t know what is blocking us from having a child but I despise it for doing this to me. I despise it. I hate being infertile. I hate my period. I hate cycle day 1. And cycle day 2.

      Tomorrow I will start Clomid and then I will hate the entire time I feel the side effects of Clomid. And then I will enjoy the Fertile Week because we will hope again. And then I will hate the Two Week Wait. I will hate the pregnancy test due on CD 12. And I will hate CD1 again possibly. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

      16 cycles. There is no baby dust or comfort for me. I have been stripped, ripped and chewed up by this journey and I cannot be comforted. There is not point in bothering. I am hurt and there is a gaping wound in my life that cries out for a child and that is the only thing that will heal me. A positive pregnancy test and a safe and happy and healthy pregnancy. You can keep anything else. I don’t need it.

      | 0 Comments Tagged 16 Cycles, Black Infertility, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Clomid, Cycle Day 2, Fertility Drugs, Hurt, Letrozole, Pain, Sadness, Trying To Conceive
    • Cycle 15: Day 9 Having A Plan Can Lessen The Guilt and Anxiety of Infertility

      Posted at 6:10 am by amayr1984, on February 5, 2019

      If you have read any of my previous posts from the cycles before you will realize that one of my great struggles with infertility (besides of course the whole not getting pregnant thing) is wrestling with the dreaded Two Week Wait.

      The Two Week Wait is a time of such anxiety for many women who are trying to get pregnant so this isn’t something unique to me and for most of it, typically I am fine. The last week of it I become a monster of mood swings and anxiety before crying my eyes out because of my negative test or getting my period and then quiet acceptance of the fact that I live to try to get pregnant another month.

      I make it through though it is an annoying and hellacious rollercoaster ride. In talking with my husband tonight I realized that some of the worst feelings during this time is the anxiety of did we really do everything we possibly could to get pregnant?

      And there really isn’t a hell of a lot you can do except try to have sex on the right days and take your prenatal and not smoke or drink too much and hope for the best. There is so little control in all of this that the lack of control itself can become a source of anxiety because we know we can’t do much about it but we know it just happens to so many people do why isn’t it just happening to us?

      Often times my husband and I struggle to get to or stick to a plan that is consistent with Trying to Conceive because it is work. The sex isn’t extremely romantic and sometimes you really don’t feel like having sex at all. It’s a grind at 15 months and we have tweaked and then not gone through with the tweaking because someone didn’t want to do it that much or couldn’t or whatever.

      And then when you are in the Two Week Wait you just sit there and you think bitterly “well what if we had done it that one more day!” Those nagging doubts sit on your mind as you wait. You look at your calendar repeatedly and gauge your chances, check your basal body temperature chart and obsess over your Ava data all that week hanging on to hope while sanity slips away.

      And this is where Sperm Meets Egg came in and has been a centering force for me. Having a plan, and sticking to the plan and executing it makes you feel like no matter what we gave it our best shot. And knowing that provides some kind of peace because as I said you can’t control much of anything about getting pregnant anyway. But the sex schedule, well that you can control. And Sperm Meets Egg makes a LOT of sense.

      The basic break down of the plan is that you start having sex every other day from Cycle Day 8 on. You take ovulation predictor kits and when you get a positive you have sex those next three days in a row, skip a day and have sex one more time. This, to me is great because it allows you to cover a wide span of your calendar without making your partner stay on top of you every other day all cycle as some other plans suggest. Perhaps for those in their 20s that is sustainable but I am 34 and my husband is 40 and we just don’t have the stamina for that much robotic sex. That also leaves us some time at the end of the month to have actual lust based sex which I think makes my husband happy.

      Today we completed the Sperm Meets Egg plan. I am pretty sure I ovulated two days ago but we had sex on that day and yesterday was our break and today was our last day. As I spoke with my husband I realized that I was at peace because I know we researched a plan (ok I researched it) we executed it and now we gave the best shot we could towards pregnancy. The rest is up to nature, my body and whatever magic the universe has that is involved with this. But I did my part. There are no regrets on my end and no doubts.

      And losing that anxiety means the world. Have you tried this plan? Do you have another plan? Feel free to talk to me!

      | 0 Comments Tagged Black, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Femara, Fertility, Fertility Center Patient, Infertility, Letrozole, OVulation, Pregnancy, Sperm Meets Egg Plan, Two Week Wait
    • Cycle 15 Day 11: I’m Snowed In But Fine

      Posted at 9:44 pm by amayr1984, on January 28, 2019

      The Fertile Week is almost upon us. Another chance to run the race. I’m very calm and excited though. I still marvel at the mood swings of each cycle. To go from despair to hope and riding this trying to conceive see saw just amazes me. I’m like a completely different person than I was two weeks ago.

      My husband and I have been feeling pretty great which is good. We’re both more conscious of drinking more water and I am swallowing my handful of pills daily. Tomorrow is my next ultra sound. I have another date with that probe in my vagina that I am not excited for BUT I cannot wait to see how many follicles I have. Every follicle that is mature enough is an opportunity for us. And I am just ready to see the whole picture going into the fertile week.

      My OPKs are still negative which is to be expected. I have two different predicted days of ovulation however. Ava, which was right on the money about my period last month when Glow was off about 2 days. Ava said I will ovulate on February 2nd. I am not sure which to trust at this time but I will cover all the days and of course keep the OPKs outcomes in mind. It can be tricky to pin it down on medicated cycles because there is something other than cyclical body chemistry at play but we are trying the Sperm Meets Egg Plan this go round and my husband is really involved about his part which makes me appreciate him so much more. At times it felt like I was doing most of the heavy lifting with this trying to have a baby thing and he was just complaining about his part which was like…hello? I’m the one in a perpetual cycle of hope and meltdowns while swallowing every supplement my Reproductive Endocrinologist can think of for me. But this time he has been very supportive and on top of getting the days we have to have sex right which has been so…just such a relief. Partner support can mean the world.

      So I am hopeful again. And I hope to keep this hope and that this hope will finally turn into our win. I would love to finally get my big fat positive test. My husband and I will have to explore other options if it doesn’t work out. And I am just exhausted of everything. I want this baby more than anything in the world and I am ready.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Ava, Ava Bracelet, Femara, Fertile Week, Letrozole, OVulation, Sperm Meets Egg, Trying To Conceive, Trying To Get Pregnant
    • Cycle Day 6: Acupuncture and Time Traveling Sleep

      Posted at 5:11 am by amayr1984, on January 24, 2019

      I love Acupuncture. I complain about how expensive it is often but I absolutely love how I feel in those moments when those needles are in. I feel like I drift away into this trance of sleep where I can hear my thoughts and my feelings more clearly. It is hard to describe but I imagine a lot of people feel this way when they get it done.

      I have been going once a week now since last August. I was hopeful that this would help with my infertility and while I feel like it may have improved some things, of course I am still not pregnant and that is concerning for me monetarily so I am wondering if I will continue going at the same frequency if we don’t get any results.

      I would miss it though. I love being that in tune with my body and my emotions and it is about the best sleep I ever get is when those needles are in. Afterward I usually want to go home and just lay day and take a nice nap. And most days I do.

      When they put those needles in one thing I find kind of cool is sometimes one side of my body is more sensitive than the other. People will say acupuncture doesn’t hurt but sometimes a certain part of your body or side in my case most times can be super sensitive and you can feel the pressure big time. Today my left side was super sensitive and I almost wanted to yell out when she was putting the needles into my ears and legs. My stomach though I didn’t feel much. Once the needles were in I drifted away and I remember feeling so relaxed and at peace.

      When she came back in she did some work with a laser on my abdomen and on my back that was supposed to help with infertility. I absolutely hate she had to wake me up from my amazing time traveling sleep for this but I dozed off again while she was doing that. Honestly I didn’t even want to leave I just wanted to lay on that bed and sleep all day. Something about acupuncture just puts you in the perfect mindset and space for sleeping. I know one day they left me back there and I was knocked out for an hour. And as I said usually I want to go straight home for a good old fashioned nap.

      Today I am proud of myself because I resisted that desire and actually stayed out and got some errands done. Got all my medications for this great fertility journey picked up and I worked out at the earlier class tonight just in case the late class got canceled again. I actually felt mostly good working out today and less gassed. Not much less but I’ll take any improvement I can. Tomorrow is yoga thankfully so I should be worked out but not out of breath.

      I am looking forward to a job interview in the morning for working at an elementary school. I hope I get it. I love kids and I think being around them right now might also be really uplifting for my spirits. So wish me the best of luck on that.

      Lastly I hope my husband and I can get back to a good place emotionally. We will still try but we have a lot of issues to work on and things that I want addressed with money so we can move on. We deserve better from each other and it has just been such a long grinding road trying to have this baby and keep a healthy marriage. I hope some good news and a break is coming our way soon.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Acupuncture, Acupuncturist, Black Woman, Chinese medicine, Follicular Phase, Infertiliy, Letrozole, Pregnancy, Trying To Conceive, Trying To Get Pregnant
    • Cycle Day 5: Ultrasound Looks Great

      Posted at 3:59 am by amayr1984, on January 23, 2019

      It was that day again today. One of my least favorite days. I got probed.

      You know the first day they told me I had to go in for one of these Ultrasounds I thought it was going to be like the ones on TV where they do it on top of your stomach. Never did I imagine that when I got there they’d lube up and condom up that white probe and put it up my vagina. But here we are into our third month of Letrozole and now I am for the most part used to it. But I never look forward to it.

      Today they were looking for cysts on my ovaries because they saw such big follicles last go round but I did not get pregnant. Well, thankfully, no cysts! I was actually worried. I just don’t want anymore speed bumps on this journey. I even saw a couple of follicles developing on the right side already. Please please please let cycle 15 be our cycle and one of those follicles be the beginning of one of my babies.

      After the Ultrasound I met with my Clinical Nurse and she said this is our last round before I will possibly be put on stronger medication and other options will be explored. Not IVF which I am in no rush to get to mind you, but possibly IUI which I was about ready to try anyway. I am fine with not trying it until the end of next month for sure. I really would much rather keep trying with the timed intercourse since that is actually free…but of course a lot more work. But 600 bucks a pop timed intercourse is not, and an IUI is. Either way I am beyond hopeful again. Leaving she reordered my Letrozole so we will be trying again at the same dose. I took my first dose today. I actually had some leftover at home thank goodness because the pharmacy didn’t have it filled and the roads were too icy to go back out later on. I will fetch the rest of it tomorrow.

      Mostly my spirits have been okay. The fight I had with my husband put a damper on things but I am hoping we will get back to normal very soon. I hate fighting with my husband and he has a lot of anger demons that I just cannot understand because we had such polar opposite childhoods and I think sometimes our experiences just clash. Hopefully we will be able to find more peace and resolution on his day off and through our counseling session next Wednesday.

      But today is a hopeful day, A day where I can imagine that we can get this right and that science and nature may be on our side. I hope I am right. I don’t feel like getting probed again any time soon.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Appointments, Femara, Hope, Letrozole, Trying To Conceive, Ultrasound
    • Praise The Black Fertility Goddesses: Cycle 15 Day 1 is HERE!

      Posted at 10:05 pm by amayr1984, on January 18, 2019

      I am so happy to have my period.

      It is painful, and exhausting and as much as I wanted to workout today the Midol is not taking the edge off enough for me to hope to make it to boot camp so it is a wrap on that. I will be staying home with heat on my stomach and hydrating my life away.

      And making plans for this next cycle. The next race is upon me and my energy is back mentally. The rollercoaster is all set up again for the ups and downs to come.

      I called my reproductive endocrinologist nurse’s desk today and I have to get scheduled for an Ultrasound on Monday to make sure my follicles retreated since I had some really big ones (though of course the big ones didn’t yield me the baby I want). before I can start my Letrozole again at 7.5 MG. Because of this I will be starting it later than Cycle Day 3 so this may mess up my timing on predicting my ovulation. I am not sure. I just hope it isn’t a cyst on my ovaries which is a possibility the nurse wanted to check for. I don’t need any extra hurtles on this journey.

      On the supplement forefront I have added iron in to my list of supplements to try to help me get pregnant. I also ordered some Evening Prim Rose Oil to take the first half of the cycle up to ovulation to help with my cervical mucus since I did not notice much last cycle. I will also take Mucinex the week we are trying as well. One of my theories is perhaps my cervical mucus is a little hostile to my husband’s sperm and that is causing some issues. I am hoping by creating a more lubricated environment it will help the sperm get to where they need to get. I also added Flax Seed Oil because I just can’t stand the gummy fish oil. They are very gross and I have not taken them for a long while. So my current supplement list and medication list this cycle will be (bold were my RE’s additions. Not bold were my own):

      Letrozole 7.5 MG (3 tablets a day for 5 days)
      Iron
      Flaxseed Oil
      Evening Prim Rose Oil ( week before and of ovulation ONLY)
      Folic Acid 1Mg
      Levothyroxcine
      Metformin
      CoQ10
      Mucinex (fertile week only)
      Sugar Bear Hair Vitamins (First Two Weeks Only)
      One A Day Prenatal (Last Two Weeks)
      PreMama Drink Mix (Last Week of Two Week Wait until test or period)

      I have also encouraged my husband to drink more water so that we can make sure his semen also can further support the sperm motility. He had a great semen analysis and I have had 2-4 dominant follicles every time I go to get the ultra sound down on Letrozole so we have the ingredients certainly but we seem to not be able to get the sperm where it needs to go. My uterine lining is always good and thick and last cycle my progesterone is good. Of course even in optimal conditions there is only a 25% chance but the best thing we can do is try to have 4 or 5 months where we are getting the whole 25 percent. Ovulation was our initial hurtle and now I think if we can keep everything else right (good cervical mucus, good semen, timed intercourse and decent diet) we can at least optimize our chances.

      I am considering going to IUI route once I get back to work and can borrow a little change from my 401K if we don’t get pregnant in the next cycle. I am willing to wait another cycle if necessary but I really am hopeful we can make this happen before I return to work and both or our schedules become busy again.

      Another thing I am going to incorporate this go round is the meditation feature on the Glow App for Premium users. I paid for the premium membership on the app because they had a sale for New Years and I do use it primarily.

      And I am committed to attending yoga on Thursdays. I was supposed to go yesterday but went to a social gathering that ran long so I missed it. And the food was nasty at the gathering however I think for my mental health talking to others I had not seen in forever was extremely good for me.

      The main goal of this cycle for me is I want to come back and read this post when I am in the two week wait and center myself some more.

      It is important for me to remember that I am not a failure. This is a process. It is not the race I envision. Baby Mayr is not always at the end of the finish line. Sometimes the race has no winner and I will never know which race is the one that does. I just have to keep running. It is ok to want to be a mother. It is ok to spend the time and money and effort and energy on this journey and even if I do not get pregnant, I can know I did my best and just keep trying to focus on getting there.

      I am healthy. I just need some help getting pregnant. And it may take time. My husband and I deserve this though and eventually we will be rewarded. In the mean time I am going to continue to work on my mood, my finances and getting my home the way I want it so that when the time comes I can welcome my pregnancy and eventually my baby in the most peaceful environment possible.

      I am worthy.

      I will be a mother.

      | 0 Comments Tagged Acceptance, Black, Cycle Day One, Femara, Glow, Growth, Infertility, Letrozole, Motherhood, Mucinex, New Chance, Pregnancy
    • Recent Posts

      • Cycle 19 Reflections
      • Cycle 18 Failed So Happy Early Still Not A Mother’s Day To Me
      • Cycle 17 Cycle Day 21: The Yellow Nursery Has Begun
      • Cycle 17 Day 14: Gonal F, Letrozole, The Fertility Diet, It Starts With The Egg and Hope
      • Cycle 16 Day 27: Injectable Medications Arrived With Another Big Fat Negative
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