I never ever ever imagined when I started out I would be this far in and baby less. It doesn’t get any easier to consider either how long we have been at this and how far I have no become invested.
I am on the injectables now. This is an all encompassing experience. I have to do like 2-3 ultrasounds a cycle, and I get to give myself injections at least 7 days out of my cycle. I still have to take all of the medications I have been taking and Letrozole is back (thank God! Less side effects) and the Clomid is gone. I had a great follicle reading. 4 that were likely going to mature and release. They warned me about multiples but internally I laughed.
You’ve said that before. And we haven’t had a baby. So I’m not scared. The only thing I don’t want is Aunt Flow again. Give me anything else in a health baby or 3. I just want my baby or babies. I’ll take them. You can’t scare me.
We didn’t do SMEP all the way as husband wasn’t feeling it much. He could only go two of the three days we needed this time but at least it was the two most important. I think I ovulated today and we covered Friday and late last night as well. Today we tried but his spirit just wasn’t in it. I just hope it is enough. I always feel better when we get all of they days covered because at least I know we did our best. But at this point I have learned there is no reason to even bother getting upset if we can’t do all the days. People have gotten pregnant off of one roll in the hay. It’s all timing after you get all the other kinks worked out or if you’re lucky to have no kinks at all. We just have to hope our timing is best for once. Just for once.
I read It Starts With The Egg finally and I am going to cut my BPA exposure. I started cleaning with gloves on and eventually I am going to switch to more natural cleaning products. I purchased a ton of glass storage containers that I am going to pick up from Macy’s when they come in and start using instead of plastic and I am more diligent about checking to make sure things I use are advertised as BPA free. But mostly I am trying to stick to glass an paper and also trying not to touch too many receipts. There is a lot to remember but if I can do all of that an improve my egg quality then perhaps I will get pregnant with my baby finally. And if I get pregnant soon then it is good not to expose the baby to a lot of BPA as well anyway. It is a win win.
Along with that I have opted for the fertility diet except I cannot bring myself to drink whole milk. I will stick with almond milk and hope for the best. We got a blender so what I can’t stand to eat which is most vegetables and avocados will be blended up with fruit and I will get it that way. Happy to say so far I have been doing pretty good about eating what I am supposed to (no red meat and no white bread. Lots of vegetables and fruit. Nuts etc) though I have been snacking on candy a bit too much at my new job trying to stay awake while in training with those powerpoints.
I remain focused on my goal and hopeful a lot of months of injections and nothing are not ahead for us. My husband is wearing out I feel and it is wearing on our marriage. Likewise I am becoming listless about the experience at this point because it is so hard to try everything and come up with nothing and you see people trying nothing and winding up with a baby. It’s just such a frustrating and lonely experience and you just obsess even as you lose enthusiasm. I will never ever give up hope for our baby and never stop chasing him or her I just hope the end is near. I am not sure how many more cycles I can take of this same old thing.
