I don’t know how I have survived any of this past almost year and a half of constant and monthly disappointment.
I don’t know how much it has changed me and probably not for the better. I feel perpetually depressed around the same place in my cycle every month and I cannot escape the pain. There are no tricks
My husband got angry with me this morning because I told him I couldn’t eat for 30 minutes after taking my Levothyroxine. He claims I snapped at him and then when I asked him if he was okay he told me smartly he’d tell me in 30 minutes. That hurt and felt so unnecessary. I asked him why he was acting like that and tried to blame it on me and said I am always turning stuff around on him. That morning before I came downstairs I had already witnessed my temperature drop on my Ava so I was already feeling low. So I cried on the way to work because my husband is a mean person is what I was feeling. If he feels like someone is being mean to him, he hits back. He doesn’t try to find out what’s going on with the person or understand where they are coming from…he just hits back. And I didn’t need to be hit today. I actually never do. And I started believing again that the reason I can’t get pregnant is that we are not meant to be anyone’s parents because we do not have enough trust and compatibility to get along. I don’t know if these are poisonous thoughts of a person struggling with infertility of the thoughts of a wife who is fed up of fighting about nothing period. Anyway I cried all the way to work…
When I arrived I managed to pull myself together enough for working with the kids. Recess was indoors that day and I was able to read some 0f the nice projects kids made for their families hanging on the wall. One project was pots of gold that were hanging up on the wall and the kids wrote who were worth more than gold to them. Many said their teachers or their parents and it made me tear up reading about how much these kids loved these people.
At lunch my back was aching because I will probably get my period today or tomorrow. I was back and forth to different tables and sitting down in between because of the ache. It didn’t stop all day and one of the other supervisors who was working came over and demanded to know why I was sitting down. Now I never knew sitting down was an issue as each time I sat down it was at a table with some of the kids anyway and just for a couple of minutes. She told me they were not paying me to sit down and I needed to be walking around the tables. I told her my back hurt and she told me if I have a disability I need to let someone know. It was so cold and thoughtless and after my highly unnecessary row with my husband I felt like I was being picked on today. I kept my mouth shut afterwards and decided I was not talking to that lady every again. I was wondering if I got another job offer if I would take it because I do love working with the kids though it doesn’t pay much. But after that incident of nastiness I think that I would. There wasn’t any warmth towards me or what I was expressing was going on towards me.
Warmth and understanding would go so far. When I got home I took my test because I had thought it over and I knew with the medication having arrived I was best to get my mind fixed on if I was gonna be a pin cushion or not.
And pin cushion it is.
I was going to add in the negative test but there are enough of those through the blogs. From then on I cried and cried and cried until I could just see enough to write this post. I am in a dark place. I am always in a dark place in this time and I feel so very alone. I do not feel like I have anyone I can lean on in support really and I’m sick of telling everybody about it and getting useless words of comfort. Even on the Facebook groups. I’m sick of it.
I just want to be pregnant and I don’t want to have to keep going through all of this stuff over and over and over again. And I have seen so many people who are posting birth and pregnancy announcements and me I am posting nothing but more money and doctors bills and more hurt. HURT HURT HURT.
BEING INFERTILE FUCKING HURTS. I just wish my writing were good enough to let you know how it feels to have your heart ripped out once a month over and over again and have no one treat you kindly while you’re struggling with the absolute worst struggle. To have your husband turn on you because you rejected his offer of cereal and to have a person who isn’t even your boss basically tell you you’re being lazy on the job because you sat down at a table with some kids because your back hurt.
If I could make you guys understand how painful and useless I feel with everything that has happened to me in the past few months I would maybe see a bright side to any of this.
But I can’t. I have to run this race again. I have to. And right now I don’t even know if I really want anymore. I don’t know if the universe is ever going to allow me to have a baby. I’m 34. And my husband and I aren’t getting along anyway. Do I even deserve a baby? Is that it? Is that why I can’t fall pregnant?
I feel I will never know the answer. So I will just cry.