A rare and uneventful day emotionally in a cycle. I shall cherish it.
I do not feel sick. I am not tired. I got up and I got some chores done today which was wonderful. I have actually been doing a pretty good job of keeping the house moderately together while I am off and keeping up on the laundry. Being at home all the time still is not ideal for me as I love to be at work but I am making a better go of it than I expected especially considering my battles with winter depression. I fell short of my goal of working out 5 days a week last week. I did 2 boot camps and I am totally counting shoveling the snow last night as a third day of working out since my Apple Watch counted it too. I will be more diligent about it this week. My menstrual cramps set me back.
Overall I feel cautiously optimistic even though there has been some darkness in my life. The darkest is I have a friend who has a daughter who is on life support right now and in intensive care. I really feel so horrible for her that she is experiencing such pain and all I can do is be there for her. I went and sat with her for 4 or so hours last night before I drove home in the freezing cold. By the time I got home I saw the kitchen was in disarray and I spent time cleaning it before bed.
Which leads me to my next bit of very minor but quite irritating darkness: my husband’s mood. Our weekend started off nice in that he made me breakfast but from there it seesawed from kind to snappy at any moment’s notice. I had been mentioning for weeks that we needed to sit down and assess our financial goals (something we do yearly but always at my behest) and figure out where we were. He was not supportive of this and a lot of times (though he has gotten better) he is very difficult to talk to about money. If there is one thing in our relationship that I absolutely find the hardest to stand it is the super negative reactions to basic marital business. Money is marital business. Assessing financial goals and looking at our credit scores and our debt shouldn’t be fight fodder but for several times in the past almost 4 years we have been together it has been. He has gotten better with money management slightly but there is always room for improvement. Myself included. I always sit down and look at where I am, where I was and where I want to go. Since we are not financially tied together I don’t think it is radical to ask for him to do the same. But he is very obstinate about it.
What frustrates me is at first he will seem reasonable. He will agree to it. Then as the date we agreed on becomes closer he will complain but not do anything to prepare. Then when I tell him what I want for the meeting (which is basically the same thing every year: savings balance, debt, credit score, reflection on how last year went and goals and changes for this year) I am met with resistance like it is too much. Last night I again reminded him of what I needed and when I started listing things he said “I’m not doing that!” so I immediately stopped listing them. It was at that moment sitting in the negative stewing energy that I realized I was not supposed to be there. I reminded my husband that we are married now and his finances are also my concern and this is nothing any different than I have always asked. Then I went upstairs and I wanted to cry in all my emotional state because…I wish my husband was more supportive about my trying to keep us in a financially healthy state. Not trying to always fight about talking about money a few times a year. This is something I am good at and have been instrumental in keeping together in our relationship despite many of the obstacles we have faced and yet where is the credit and basic respect?
In those moments I realized I should actually be with my friend and her child anyway. Where I was appreciated and needed. My husband didn’t need me at the time and I damn sure did not feel appreciated by him after that afternoon of just mood swings and resistance. Maybe I couldn’t make a difference in my friend’s daughter’s condition sadly but I could make a difference by being there for her and I wouldn’t be in negative energy. So that was full circle yesterday coming into today. I plan to go and sit with her again tonight either way it goes if necessary. I just want to feel useful right now and like I am bringing some light somewhere and I want to make sure to take care of people who have been there for me through difficult times as well.
That is how I wound up shoveling the snow. To get my car out so I could go to be with my friend. I know it was the right thing to do too reflecting back on all of it.
I am waiting for the time to have our meeting still. I promised to wait til after these stupid NFL playoff games (I am team Kaepernick and haven’t watched the NFL in a long time but I respect that is what he wants to do). So wish me luck this doesn’t turn into World War whatever as I am trying to just make sure that if there is going to be baby he or she is coming into the most financially secure situation possible.
