Do you know what I hate most about this time period?
Having to constantly remind yourself not to symptom spot.
Since I have been trying for quite some time I really don’t symptom spot as much anymore. The reality is I have been not pregnant for the duration of us trying so much that nothing really means anything to me anymore. Sore breasts, tired, nausea, loss of appetite, etc etc are all things I have experienced when I was not pregnant anyway. So many of the symptoms women rave about telling on them being pregnant before their period are just regular old symptoms that happen because progesterone is rising anyway whether you are with child or not. It’s all hopeless guesswork but some women will swear by their ability to tell their regular PMS symptoms from pregnancy symptoms.
For women like myself who have yet to have any success as I said you come to ignore the symptoms anyway. The only thing I would say is much different this Two Week Wait is that I do NOT have sore breasts of any kind and normally I do by this time and they taper off about 3 days before my period. Mine aren’t even slightly tender this go round but I don’t read anything into it really. O sure, I do hope I am pregnant. That is of course the hope every single month. But I don’t read anything as a promise. You have to hope even when there isn’t anything to really hang it on. The best thing to hang it on were yesterday’s progesterone results and that’s just the hope that eggs were released. Did we hit them? Did they stick? There is nothing that will tell me that before Monday.
I went to acupuncture today and that was really all I did. I enjoy acupuncture and do recommend it for those who are trying to conceive though I would be lying if I did not say it was not QUITE expensive. I pay around 100 dollars a visit and at once a week visiting it’s a financial burden for sure. Being off work right now I wouldn’t even be able to afford it save for my Flexible Spending account. That said I am very grateful for it. I do think this along with seeking help at the Fertility Center is why some of my levels are turning around. I also enjoy the time I have the needles in. It may sound odd to say but you have the best naps and dreams while on the acupuncture table.
I typically start out trying to imagine and picture myself pregnant. From there I let my mind drift and it almost feels like I am traveling through several doors of my mind. One thing leads into another but they don’t seem to be really connected and I never totally remember what all I dreamed about when they come to tell me the session is over. A lot of the time I am saddened when they come to remove the needles because it seems like if I could wear them for 8 hours I would actually get a decent night’s sleep (which I do not in my luteal phase. I am awake now at 2:30 am after patchwork sleep last night and a nap for two hours that was wholly unnecessary). It’s wonderful and I have seem and improvement in my mood overall since going and it has certainly helped with managing my anxiety and depression which I am not on medications for right now while trying to conceive per the recommendation of my doctor. My anxiety is not very bad but my depression can manifest in tiredness and low feelings in the winter. So far this winter I am okay. Not great, but okay.
In any event when I returned home from acupuncture I wanted to eat but I did not have the urge to eat at all. I just wanted to lay down. So I did for a couple of hours though I don’t think I fell asleep. I just laid there in bed and watched Dynasty reruns (perhaps that is a sign of depression in itself? Can’t truly say). Afterward my husband coaxed me out of bed and made oatmeal with protein powder for me and it was delicious but at the same time I didn’t really want it. He offered me eggs and I only asked for one scrambled and a chicken sausage. It was about all I could stand. Later I ate some reheated Mexican rice and now I am sitting up awake slightly hungry but uninterested in anything we have available to eat.
I am also irritable about things that normally wouldn’t bother me or haven’t really forced their way to the surface. My husband, for example, a lot of times does not clean up the kitchen after cooking. Tonight this bothered me. I tried to say so in a kind way but I need to be more assertive. It is important to me the dishes get washed every night and night’s he works since I am off of work I don’t mind cleaning up after him but he should definitely do it the nights he is at home. Be assertive.
Anyway, as I sit awake I am hopeful but I don’t count anything as for certain. I am just hoping this time passes quickly and we can get to Monday where I will test and from there know whether I am starting the race again or at the finish line finally hoisting my positive pregnancy test.
All I know is right now I don’t want to do much but rest, watch Dynasty reruns and eat something that I have yet to discover.