What a day.
As I have stated in previous posts I am facing job loss coming up and I am trying to head it off at the pass finically so I have already been in the job market.
Today was my USPS postal service test at the testing center. The weather was absolutely dreadful but I know the post office delivers in weather rain or sleet or shine and the exam said you cannot cancel it within 24 hours of taking it so I knew I had to make it up there or I would lose my opportunity at this job. So I got up and checked my temperature this morning.
It dropped a little (.15 so not below the cover line but still disappointing per my past patterns. My temperature usually never drops all the way back down until my menstrual cycle shows anyway so I can only read so much!) but I was determined to make a positive day out of this.
The night before I dreamed I would find out I was pregnant this cycle. That all my bad luck with losing my job and everything else I experienced so far this week was going to culminate in the happiest thing possible that could happen to me. I felt waves of warmth and happiness wash over me while I was sleeping and when I woke up I thought my temperature would be better than it was but nothing confirms pregnancy but a test and that is for tomorrow morning.
I set out for the testing center and it was a terrible drive there but I made it after some minor confusion. The roads were horrible and so was the parking lot. I arrived at 10:30am and the test was to begin at 11:15. I went up and tried to open the door and it wouldn’t open and I rang the doorbell per the instructions in the email and no one answered. There was a sign saying the university the testing was taking place at was closed but I still waited well into the testing time and called the company (no answer. Left a message) and emailed them. There was a gentleman there with me and we pretty much gave up after it went past our testing time and went back home.
I was sort of annoyed though because it cost me effort and gas to get up there and it was not the best driving conditions. I slid and spun out twice no matter how slowly I was driving and I became more anxious to get home the longer I was on the road. I was becoming dizzy and tired even though I had just eaten but I don’t symptom spot so that didn’t matter except that I didn’t feel great in the conditions I was driving in. I managed to get within a mile of home before I slid slow motion across a patch of ice into a snow bank.
I of course immediately tried to back up but I couldn’t. I switched on my warning lights and I put on my heated jacket and turned it up because my gas gauge suddenly said empty though I had a quarter of a tank before this slide off. I slid in at an angle so I figured it was possible that the fuel light was on by mistake because the tank was tilted or perhaps there was a leak. Either way I was not in a happy place at all being trapped on the side of the road. I knew with the weather conditions the wait times would simply be horrible and I wasn’t going anywhere for a while.
I called good ole AAA and they promised me I would be out in an hour and a half which seemed terrible but I guess it could be worse. I sat there listening to ESPN on Sirius and reading happy pregnancy announcements on Glow to try to pass the time. I also talked to a union rep and texted my husband and told him not to miss work worrying about me. We obviously need the money.
After a hour and a half passed I called the towing company AAA told me was coming to get me to see what the hold up was and they told me they told AAA they couldn’t help me because of my distance from them. I was astonished and starting to feel scared because it was cold and I didn’t now how long my jacket would hold up. A police officer and several good samaritans had stopped to check on me but I had told them all not to worry that I was just waiting to be towed by AAA. I called them back and they told me it was going to take them 2.5 Hours to find someone to come get me.
At this point I began to lament my rotten luck thus far this year. I have just not seemed to be able to find the right energy or something just isn’t in my favor as my life is now and I just don’t get it. I feel like a decent and kind person with flaws but not anyone too terrible and yet my husband and I have had minor marriage struggles and now I am having a job loss happening, confusion about a job opportunity (USPS test not happening) and on top of that here I am on the side of the road in the cold! I was tired, nauseous and dizzy trying to figure out if I should just abandon my car and walk the mile or so home in a blizzard!
Then a man with a bungee cord stopped. He told me he could try to get me out and I was scared to let him because I didn’t know if he really knew what he was doing but what choice did I have? I needed to get out and I needed to get home so I let him. He hooked the cord up to my car and told me to throw it in reverse and pump the gas when I felt the jerk. And then he took off and got in his truck.
While I was sitting there waiting I just hoped against hope it would work. That something in my life would turn out ok in just these next few minutes. Perhaps I am hormonal and being dramatic, as I am sure people have far harder struggles than I do, but this is really where my head was. I just wanted to go back to the charmed life I had with a steady secure income and the unshakeable belief my husband and I would be fine and we would get pregnant. It seemed like those sure days were beyond me and buried under my tires as he pulled.
The pulling did jerk me quite a bit but I held on for dear life as hit the gas even though I fear I might be running out of it. I bumped into the horn a couple of times even the jerks were so strong but my car did budge little by little. I think with 10 accelerations on his part I snapped free and came up out of the snow bank.
And there I was back on the road. I was so grateful to that man. You know I think I saw something of my father in him when he came to help me. My father would have done the same; stopped and helped someone who was in a snow bank and this guy had his work clothes on too and a glint in his eye. Perhaps my father had looked out for me through this man when I thought everyone had turned against me in the spirit world based on my luck. I felt renewed being pulled free and I thanked him profusely which he said he didn’t need or want anything (I offered to pay him for his service. Being out of work I know how dear being paid for service is).
I drove slowly and cautiously even more so home and I was so glad to get here and so tired and dizzy I decided to lay down and took a nice nap. Sometimes I just nap to escape. Part of me regrets that nap because I will not be able to sleep as well tonight to prepare for the interview but I have to consider what I needed then and that was truly it. Just quiet and peaceful escape.
Sometimes this journey of life can be so discouraging. You can feel like you are giving it your best and still wind up with nothing or disappointment and misfortune. I was lucky my car and I were unscathed and that someone stopped to help me. I try to look on the bright side of that even though today did not go as planned.
Tomorrow when I test I will try to be positive about that outcome as well regardless. I move between what I think the outcome will be. After 15 months it is scary to hope but it is also all I can do. The truth being I always hope for a positive pregnancy test and I hope for one with all my might tomorrow, jobless or not. My husband and I worked hard this past cycle to get pregnant and really gave it the best effort yet. We will keep this effort up if we are not pregnant, of course. For as much as we can afford to do so but I have to accept that we could give our best and come up short just like I did today.
I want to prepare myself for the disappointment. It is strange 15 months of disappointment is not enough preparation but it simply isn’t. Nothing prepares you to be disappointed so deeply time and time again. But I think I have become better at coping with it and better at assuming that at some point we are going to get this right and the stars will align. My stars seem to be in disarray right now but if they want to align in just this one place I will be beyond happy for that.
I ask the creator and my ancestors to intervene on my behalf or I hope they already have and I will either be with child or with the strength to handle yet another disappointment this week.
Chasing Baby Mayr 