I am 7 DPO in my two week wait and on Prometrium which is a brand of progesterone and that has been an experience to say the least. Mostly it has been being clammy at night and crazy dreams that are sexual and bizarre in every way. It’s awkward because I have to vaginally insert them and I had no real side effects beyond those first two until today where I became really crampy. But other than that I remain kind of meh about if I am pregnant or not. It remains a long journey and I am just used to disappointment.
The easy week of the Two Week Wait is over now and I will again enter into the crazy spell where I will have mood swings every day up until I test about if I am pregnant or not. This I can’t seem to help and it always comes with the second week. Maybe the hormone shifts make the experience more intense. Can’t say for sure but I know it is coming like clock work.
And because I am on progesterone inserts I have to test before my period is to come so I can quit them two days before and allow it to come. I am certainly not looking forward to that as I am an absolute wreck when I take those tests and get BFNs. But I have to bear it all in this quest to be a mother.
Time is truly rolling on. In a couple days it will be the anniversary of my chemical pregnancy. I remember that like it was yesterday getting that super faint positive and thinking this was it and then taking another test a couple days later and there was nothing and then getting my period. One of the most concussing and devastating experiences of my life and I believe it kicked off my hormonal imbalance that has finally been righted by my doctors. The weight is falling off of me now and my skin and hair look amazing. If nothing this journey has gotten me back to a physically healthy place where I belong I believe. For that I am certainly grateful.
The other day I decided to work on painting the room our eventual baby will be in after putting it off for over a year and a half since we first thought of the idea that we wanted to try to have children. I thought it would jinx us but life sort of did that anyway so why not? I chose a vibrant yellow and honestly it will take a few coats to get this blue in here covered. I should have painted it white first but I didn’t think of that. It hasn’t been as fun to do as I anticipated. I always think painting will be fun for some reason then the real work of it sets in and I’m like whhaattt was I thinking? Today I’m at that stage and about out of paint with about 1/3 of the room left. I’ll grab another gallon next week and finish it. For now I am going to go have lunch and then maybe take a nap before I move on to cleaning the bathroom.
I’m going to enjoy this last relaxing day before the crazy week starts
Posted at 11:40 pm by amayr1984, on February 9, 2019
I am losing my job next Friday and it is one of the most heartbreaking and devastating experiences of mourning that I have gone through in some time. I absolutely love my job and everything that came with it except management. And so naturally, through some inaccuracies and misconceptions management is giving me the boot and I am entering the scariest part of my adult life.
I never thought I would be fired and it has thrown a wrench into my trying to conceive journey as well. Suddenly I couldn’t afford to go to acupuncture on Friday so that was gone. I was a wreck the first day after I found out and my doctor and my husband told me I had to not stress because I’m in the Two Week Wait and it is bad for me but who can be stress free when a whole paycheck has just evaporated into thin air the way mine is about to? I cannot be stress free. I cannot imagine how anyone can ask that of me. I need to do what I need to do and so I mourned hardcore the first two days trapped in a daze of disbelief. Cried to my mother and my husband and laid in bed watching Dynasty reruns skipping to the ones I could stomach because I am in season 7 now and it aint all good anymore.
Mostly I feel hurt to lose an amazing community of co workers and I truly enjoyed patient care. The benefits were also great. WageWorks and Priority Health are leaving me. I’m going to be entering a new territory with new struggles piled on my old struggles. And for what reason I cannot fathom. It doesn’t seem much of anything is going my way right now when I need it to most.
To make matters extra dramatic the day I test is the day I get to go in and officially get fired. So if I have a BFN of course that is really going to add to the depression of the day.
And if I have a BFP I will have some uncertainty but at the very least at least I will have some hope. More than any other month I hope I finally get my BFP. That something finally goes my way.
I have not ridden the emotional rollercoaster about my body as much this go round because I have other bigger things to worry about and endless jobs to apply for. I have so much other stuff on my mind that it hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind that I could finally become a mom or get two slaps in the face on the same day. My number one focus is applying for any and every job under the sun I can get my hands on.
I know and believe I will be vindicated in the long run and my name will be cleared. I believe that. I just don’t know what to make of the times ahead.
The new medications they expect me to take sound crappy if I am not pregnant this go round. Clomid and Ovidrel and Prometrium and there was a complicated schedule and calendar to it all…it’s only gonna get more twisted from here and we aren’t even talking IUI at this point. No we are talking about a whole bunch of shots just to do timed intercourse yet again. I don’t want that for myself. At age 34 the idea of stacking on more and more and more is just taxing.
Talking to my husband’s sister in law last night she said she and her husband plan to start trying in April. I hope their journey is much speedier than ours but I won’t lie that I would likely be jealous if they have the first child after we have been struggling along for such a while. I’ll be happy for them but disappointed of us.
But I am hopeful I am wrong this go round and that things are certainly going to work out in our favor. As I move forward with trying to piece my life back together I am going to try to seek more positive energy because I have seen some of the most negative things between the death of my father a couple years ago, my fertility struggles and the sudden loss of my job. I haven’t led a bad life and have usually gotten what I wanted so these last few years have truly been shockers. I can only hope for the best that they will get better and that happiness is around the corner and not more sadness.
I do not even know where we are in the race this time because I’m so focused on so many other things. But we will see what happens. Soon enough
Posted at 7:53 pm by amayr1984, on January 31, 2019
Today is Peak OPK day. The best and most important day besides test day in the Trying to Conceive world. And it couldn’t have come at a more fraught time as my husband and I had another disagreement largely about nothing except our communication styles and I was so over and done with everything yesterday. Marriage, in itself, can be quite exhausting. I feel like I was dragged through the ringer last night and I woke up with the most terrible headache and a feeling of sadness. I do hate to fight with my husband so much. I wish we could be better at communicating with each other and not so sensitive to everything the other person says. I don’t know how and when we got like this but I miss the ease we once had. We had to cancel couple’s counseling this week due to the weather and maybe we just really needed to get to that session. Hopefully we can get another one scheduled in on my husband’s next Thursday off and we can instead be past all of this and focus on our goal here.
Which is, still Baby Mayr. Our elusive first child. I noticed last night when I wiped that I finally had some cervical mucus going on and it was the clear fertile kind thankfully. I do believe the Prim Rose and Mucinex is working and of course staying very hydrated. My husband and I were able to do the deed today and I meditated with the Glow meditation app afterwards. Now I am up and a little less drained from everything yesterday but still not truly ready to do anything today but just chill and relax. I want to fit in a home work out today as well and try to just stay in a peaceful space while we continue the sperm meets egg plan. Since we got our positive OPK today we will be having sex the next 3 days in a row, then skipping one day and having sex on last time for the plan this cycle. Hopefully we just continue having sex every other day until my period but we will see. I do not want to over exert my husband nor do I want sex to just be routine for us and not have and kind of meaning to it.
But I am, again, hopeful this cycle. I am hopeful that we will finally get our much desired Big Fat Positive. I am hopeful that we are running this race and will catch our baby at the finish line this time. I am so happy for this time in my cycle where I can be optimistic. It’s wonderful and I truly wish I could stay in this spot forever emotions wise. Even after the fight with my husband I am still warm and full of so much hope for us and a family. I know nothing can snatch that away except that dreaded Two Week Wait. In 2 days I will be in Trying to Conceive purgatory bargaining with the Creator and my ancestors for a positive pregnancy test and feeling hopeful, then dreadful then hopeful again. Maybe the Glow Meditations will help me not to be so anxious. We will see. I have acupuncture tomorrow as well which is perfectly timed with my ovulation.
Also Ava was more on the money with my ovulation this go round than Glow was yet again. I am impressed. Once I entered my OPK information in Glow picked my ovulation day for tomorrow but Ava has it at February 2nd and has had it at that the entire time this cycle. I have been super impressed with what this device has been able to do over time with reading my body. It’s supposed to be less accurate with medicated cycles but I have personally not found that to be the case. I think the first month medicated it was off but after that these past two medicated cycles it has been pretty close to spot on. Much better than Glow’s predictions pre OPKs.
Posted at 9:44 pm by amayr1984, on January 28, 2019
The Fertile Week is almost upon us. Another chance to run the race. I’m very calm and excited though. I still marvel at the mood swings of each cycle. To go from despair to hope and riding this trying to conceive see saw just amazes me. I’m like a completely different person than I was two weeks ago.
My husband and I have been feeling pretty great which is good. We’re both more conscious of drinking more water and I am swallowing my handful of pills daily. Tomorrow is my next ultra sound. I have another date with that probe in my vagina that I am not excited for BUT I cannot wait to see how many follicles I have. Every follicle that is mature enough is an opportunity for us. And I am just ready to see the whole picture going into the fertile week.
My OPKs are still negative which is to be expected. I have two different predicted days of ovulation however. Ava, which was right on the money about my period last month when Glow was off about 2 days. Ava said I will ovulate on February 2nd. I am not sure which to trust at this time but I will cover all the days and of course keep the OPKs outcomes in mind. It can be tricky to pin it down on medicated cycles because there is something other than cyclical body chemistry at play but we are trying the Sperm Meets Egg Plan this go round and my husband is really involved about his part which makes me appreciate him so much more. At times it felt like I was doing most of the heavy lifting with this trying to have a baby thing and he was just complaining about his part which was like…hello? I’m the one in a perpetual cycle of hope and meltdowns while swallowing every supplement my Reproductive Endocrinologist can think of for me. But this time he has been very supportive and on top of getting the days we have to have sex right which has been so…just such a relief. Partner support can mean the world.
So I am hopeful again. And I hope to keep this hope and that this hope will finally turn into our win. I would love to finally get my big fat positive test. My husband and I will have to explore other options if it doesn’t work out. And I am just exhausted of everything. I want this baby more than anything in the world and I am ready.
Posted at 5:11 am by amayr1984, on January 24, 2019
I love Acupuncture. I complain about how expensive it is often but I absolutely love how I feel in those moments when those needles are in. I feel like I drift away into this trance of sleep where I can hear my thoughts and my feelings more clearly. It is hard to describe but I imagine a lot of people feel this way when they get it done.
I have been going once a week now since last August. I was hopeful that this would help with my infertility and while I feel like it may have improved some things, of course I am still not pregnant and that is concerning for me monetarily so I am wondering if I will continue going at the same frequency if we don’t get any results.
I would miss it though. I love being that in tune with my body and my emotions and it is about the best sleep I ever get is when those needles are in. Afterward I usually want to go home and just lay day and take a nice nap. And most days I do.
When they put those needles in one thing I find kind of cool is sometimes one side of my body is more sensitive than the other. People will say acupuncture doesn’t hurt but sometimes a certain part of your body or side in my case most times can be super sensitive and you can feel the pressure big time. Today my left side was super sensitive and I almost wanted to yell out when she was putting the needles into my ears and legs. My stomach though I didn’t feel much. Once the needles were in I drifted away and I remember feeling so relaxed and at peace.
When she came back in she did some work with a laser on my abdomen and on my back that was supposed to help with infertility. I absolutely hate she had to wake me up from my amazing time traveling sleep for this but I dozed off again while she was doing that. Honestly I didn’t even want to leave I just wanted to lay on that bed and sleep all day. Something about acupuncture just puts you in the perfect mindset and space for sleeping. I know one day they left me back there and I was knocked out for an hour. And as I said usually I want to go straight home for a good old fashioned nap.
Today I am proud of myself because I resisted that desire and actually stayed out and got some errands done. Got all my medications for this great fertility journey picked up and I worked out at the earlier class tonight just in case the late class got canceled again. I actually felt mostly good working out today and less gassed. Not much less but I’ll take any improvement I can. Tomorrow is yoga thankfully so I should be worked out but not out of breath.
I am looking forward to a job interview in the morning for working at an elementary school. I hope I get it. I love kids and I think being around them right now might also be really uplifting for my spirits. So wish me the best of luck on that.
Lastly I hope my husband and I can get back to a good place emotionally. We will still try but we have a lot of issues to work on and things that I want addressed with money so we can move on. We deserve better from each other and it has just been such a long grinding road trying to have this baby and keep a healthy marriage. I hope some good news and a break is coming our way soon.
Posted at 9:25 pm by amayr1984, on January 14, 2019
I actually didn’t cry so very much this time. The saddest part is you get used to the pain. A callous forms and you can still feel it but less and less as time goes on. Over a year and you cannot help but harden to the constant disappointment. You cannot help but have the most agonizing negative thoughts after you have faced your dragon and been burned yet again. You cannot help but resent you body, and the people who get pregnant without trying and brag about it, and the people who will inevitably get pregnant before you do in the journey moving forward. Mostly you will resent those who will try in futility to comfort you when they know all you want is a baby, your own baby and not their meaningless words of “rah rah rah! You’ll get em next time Tiger!” Say do you know how many next times I have been through? Even the words lose their impact as the pain creates the callous. They hit the same hard spot and bounce right back off.
So no I didn’t cry so much this time. I woke up at 4:30 am after having gotten a fairly decent night’s sleep (which should have also been a warning sign because I sleep terribly during the Two Week Wait when my temperatures are up). I checked my Ava against my better judgment and there was another temperature drop. It was still above the cover line but low enough that I knew that it wasn’t a promising sign. I lay there wondering should I just take the test now or would I even be able to fall back asleep with that looming over my head. After a while of laying there I decided to get it out of the way.
On the long, but actually ridiculously short walk to the master bathroom I lived a thousand different moments of pregnancy test anxiety and reflection. I thought about all the times I had come to this same bathroom to get my heartbroken repeatedly this entire year and a couple of months now. I thought about the one chemical I had and how it had later been undone in that same bathroom hours later. I still hoped, because you always hope.
When you grasp that package of First Response Early Response and you begin unwrapping it you can’t help but to hope. You want someone, anyone, or in this case anything to tell you that what you have already told yourself will be is wrong. You deserve that. I mean haven’t you suffered enough? You pull the stick out and pop the pink plastic top off and you think for a moment that there are so many people in the world who don’t even WANT those two pink lines who are going to get them this morning. There are so many people who are in the middle about what they want who will get them. Then there are those who absolutely are dying to get them like you this morning. Who have put on hold drinking, and coffee, and trips to Zika islands and have taken pills and vitamins and their entire sex lives have become timed intercourse…the fertility soldiers. We have put in work for it. And you pee on the stick and you dream that no matter what your temperature and your body is telling you…this time you are going to get what you deserve.
This time you will get those two pink lines. You recap the test.
You watch it develop. You watch as the moisture slides into the window and across that oval and you wait for that second line to fill in. You wait and you think of the look on your partner’s face when you tell him or her. You think of the joy you will feel and the time you will spend decorating the nursery as the moisture reaches the end of the window. You think of the baby shower and the surprised looks from friends and family when you tell them. And you think of the Facebook announcement and how you will recount your success, finally, to all the people in all those trying to conceive groups and message boards you are on. You remind yourself you will be sensitive that other people are trying so you will never start out bragging about how simple it was or it only happened in one cycle! Not you. You will remember that you were once them and you will write the most thoughtful recap of how YOU got YOUR very own…
Big Fat Negative.
And excuse me because I don’t know how to flip it around. That second line never colored. The last line, it always does. So you stare at it some more and you think maybe you see something. You trick yourself that those moments are still so very possible.
You don’t see anything. Because there is nothing to see. There is nothing in your uterus. There will be nothing in your nursery. There will be no Facebook announcement.
You hold the test up to the light to make sure you don’t see anything.
Then you throw it in the trash because you want to get far away from it. Months previous you might have dug it out to just make sure there was nothing on it. But YOU, you are a veteran of infertility now. You know looking 6 more times won’t change anything. Besides you have to wash the deep conditioner out of your head that you wore over night so you can get back to your bed and have the good cry that is always in order and terrorize yourself with anger, self doubt and resentment.
I texted my husband soon after. He called me from work and he is sick. I feel bad for him because I know he cannot help me and yet he wants to help me. I know he doesn’t even think about how not being pregnant is effecting him at all. But I wish he would. I wish he would say he is so disappointed too and thought we really did everything right and he will just be miserable if we don’t get pregnant some time soon as well. He doesn’t. He feels he has to be strong for me and listen to my feelings. But my feelings about my infertility have eaten our relationship whole. I don’t even know that he really likes me anymore because I am just so miserable all the time, who could? But that’s just me taking this out on myself isn’t it?
It’s not my fault I am not pregnant. Logically I know this. I lay in the bed for a couple of hours after talking to my husband and I just go over in my mind all the what ifs and scenarios that would somehow make me even more miserable. If his brother and sister in law got pregnant before us after being married for a much shorter time. If we don’t get pregnant in the next 6 months. If we never get pregnant.
What if I never get to be a mother? Why I won’t be happy. I won’t. I don’t know if I will never be happy because I can’t be if I do not become a mother or if I won’t allow that for myself because I keep repurposing this struggle into a personal failure?
When I do finally wake up again it is 1:33pm and I cannot believe I slept so late. I had nightmares I can’t recall but none of them are as scary as the reality I face. Another month ahead.
Another race. Will I ever catch Baby Mayr? Will it ever not hurt to get a negative pregnancy test.
Will I ever smile and think…”well we got this next month!”
I don’t know. I just know I don’t like riding this ride or running this race much at all. I don’t like knowing the hurt over and over and over again. I want to know victory.
And why for me, potential victory means so much suffering.