Chasing Baby Mayr

Tag: Two Week Wait

• Cycle 16 Day 27: Injectable Medications Arrived With Another Big Fat Negative

  Posted at 7:08 pm by amayr1984, on March 15, 2019

  I don’t know how I have survived any of this past almost year and a half of constant and monthly disappointment.

  I don’t know how much it has changed me and probably not for the better. I feel perpetually depressed around the same place in my cycle every month and I cannot escape the pain. There are no tricks

  My husband got angry with me this morning because I told him I couldn’t eat for 30 minutes after taking my Levothyroxine. He claims I snapped at him and then when I asked him if he was okay he told me smartly he’d tell me in 30 minutes. That hurt and felt so unnecessary. I asked him why he was acting like that and tried to blame it on me and said I am always turning stuff around on him. That morning before I came downstairs I had already witnessed my temperature drop on my Ava so I was already feeling low. So I cried on the way to work because my husband is a mean person is what I was feeling. If he feels like someone is being mean to him, he hits back. He doesn’t try to find out what’s going on with the person or understand where they are coming from…he just hits back. And I didn’t need to be hit today. I actually never do. And I started believing again that the reason I can’t get pregnant is that we are not meant to be anyone’s parents because we do not have enough trust and compatibility to get along. I don’t know if these are poisonous thoughts of a person struggling with infertility of the thoughts of a wife who is fed up of fighting about nothing period. Anyway I cried all the way to work…

  When I arrived I managed to pull myself together enough for working with the kids. Recess was indoors that day and I was able to read some 0f the nice projects kids made for their families hanging on the wall. One project was pots of gold that were hanging up on the wall and the kids wrote who were worth more than gold to them. Many said their teachers or their parents and it made me tear up reading about how much these kids loved these people.

  At lunch my back was aching because I will probably get my period today or tomorrow. I was back and forth to different tables and sitting down in between because of the ache. It didn’t stop all day and one of the other supervisors who was working came over and demanded to know why I was sitting down. Now I never knew sitting down was an issue as each time I sat down it was at a table with some of the kids anyway and just for a couple of minutes. She told me they were not paying me to sit down and I needed to be walking around the tables. I told her my back hurt and she told me if I have a disability I need to let someone know. It was so cold and thoughtless and after my highly unnecessary row with my husband I felt like I was being picked on today. I kept my mouth shut afterwards and decided I was not talking to that lady every again. I was wondering if I got another job offer if I would take it because I do love working with the kids though it doesn’t pay much. But after that incident of nastiness I think that I would. There wasn’t any warmth towards me or what I was expressing was going on towards me.

  Warmth and understanding would go so far. When I got home I took my test because I had thought it over and I knew with the medication having arrived I was best to get my mind fixed on if I was gonna be a pin cushion or not.

  And pin cushion it is.

  I was going to add in the negative test but there are enough of those through the blogs. From then on I cried and cried and cried until I could just see enough to write this post. I am in a dark place. I am always in a dark place in this time and I feel so very alone. I do not feel like I have anyone I can lean on in support really and I’m sick of telling everybody about it and getting useless words of comfort. Even on the Facebook groups. I’m sick of it.

  I just want to be pregnant and I don’t want to have to keep going through all of this stuff over and over and over again. And I have seen so many people who are posting birth and pregnancy announcements and me I am posting nothing but more money and doctors bills and more hurt. HURT HURT HURT.

  BEING INFERTILE FUCKING HURTS. I just wish my writing were good enough to let you know how it feels to have your heart ripped out once a month over and over again and have no one treat you kindly while you’re struggling with the absolute worst struggle. To have your husband turn on you because you rejected his offer of cereal and to have a person who isn’t even your boss basically tell you you’re being lazy on the job because you sat down at a table with some kids because your back hurt.

  If I could make you guys understand how painful and useless I feel with everything that has happened to me in the past few months I would maybe see a bright side to any of this.

  But I can’t. I have to run this race again. I have to. And right now I don’t even know if I really want anymore. I don’t know if the universe is ever going to allow me to have a baby. I’m 34. And my husband and I aren’t getting along anyway. Do I even deserve a baby? Is that it? Is that why I can’t fall pregnant?

  I feel I will never know the answer. So I will just cry.

  | 0 Comments Tagged Big Fat Negative, Clomid Cycle, Clomid fail, Infertility, Marital Strife, Never Pregnant, Ovidrel, Pain, Suffering, Two Week Wait, TWW, Work problems

• Cycle 16 Day 22: The Second Week of the Two Week Wait Never Gets Any Easier

  Posted at 9:28 pm by amayr1984, on March 10, 2019

  

  Yes. Y’all are gonna have to respect my journey.

  Hell I have had to learn to accept it. And part of that journey is me freaking out over every symptom quietly during the last week of my cycle hoping to be pregnant but afraid to…ya know…REALLY HOPE that I am pregnant. It is the hardest part of this whole journey besides CD1.

  You did the work.

  You took the medications.

  You charted your life away.

  And maybe you’ll be pregnant finally and maybe you’ll be disappointed all over again. You only want the pregnancy outcome, of course. But you don’t want to not be emotionally prepared for the disappointment.

  I mean there’s really no way to know you are pregnant and at this point I have given up with knowing. I try not to symptom spot and I don’t take any of them seriously but I do get nervous if say my breasts aren’t a certain level of sore or my temperature isn’t that high. I don’t know why because none of it really means anything but I guess when you want something this bad you are going to obsess over it some what logic be damned.

  Every other week there is something to do. Especially if you are on a medicated cycle. And by the first week you are happy for a break from the timed sex etc so that time doesn’t seem so daunting I believe.

  But this week when you are waiting to take a test…so close to finding out if you are maybe pregnant…this is the hardest week and I just dread having to experience it month after month after month.

  I saw another pregnancy announcement today on Facebook and I thought…Stupid Stork…when is it going to be MY turn? How much more will I have to invest and put into this process to get my baby? How many more races will I have to run?

  

  That’s how it feels. There is no exact number of times I will have to try this before I am successful. There is no exact number of two week waits last weeks that I will have to survive. I know I will survive them though but I don’t know how much longer I have to go on. And that in itself can be such a despairing experience.

  I hope for this every cycle…you can read back if you don’t believe me. But I hope this is it. I hope I am finally pregnant. I hope I will not become a complete nut the rest of this week emotionally. I can’t guarantee it but I hope.

  I don’t think I will test this cycle despite what my RE wants. I think I will wait until my period comes and then schedule my appointments. When I call with the negative test anyway all they tell me is to call back when my period starts so it seems like a waste no matter which way you slice it. It may be better for my sanity that way. So no one lined window for me this cycle either way it goes.

  Let’s just hope I can make it through this week in peace.

  
  

  | 0 Comments Tagged Ava Bracelet, Black Infertility, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Clomid Cycle, Days Post Ovulation, Infertility, Last Week, Trying to Concieve, Two Week Wait

• Cycle 16 Day 16: Tamron Hall Is Pregnant! Another Reason To Want To Be Tamron Hall!

  Posted at 8:48 pm by amayr1984, on March 4, 2019

  For some reason this blog will only let me hyperlinks pictures now and not let me upload them so I can’t post the picture of her but I am sure you have all seen it.

  Pregnant at 48 and beautiful and glowing! I am so happy for her. And somewhat hopeful for me. The journey is long and hard for so many of us but there is victory at the end for many of us too. We just never know when it is. I am sure she didn’t know that this is how things would turn out for her looking at the long term picture long ago…but here she is. Happy and about to bring her baby into the world. I can’t say again how wonderful it is.

  I do wish it were me. I am feeling more energetic now that I am past ovulation I assume. I think I ovulated the day before but it is hard to say because charts are difficult to make much of when you triggered ovulation yourself. I’ll say yesterday because that would be 36 hours after my trigger and move from there and say today I am 1DPO.

  I can still feel the hcg in my system as my nipples and the sides of my breasts hurt. Knowing that that is something I feel with hcg in my system I will keep that in mind as a possible pregnancy symptom for the future. I won’t get my hopes up too much but I will be realistic about the possibility. I am hoping that it worked.

  We did SMEP again but we again had to resort to the Diva Cup insemination move the last two days. That is becoming a pattern and I wonder if it is a lot of pressure on my husband. I try to be sensitive about it because TTC is hard on both of us but I also did feel impatient the first day it happened because I don’t like having to give myself shots etc so I just want this to work and don’t want any hiccups. But I have to say we both did our best. That’s all we can really give is our best. So hopefully our best paid off.

  I’m going to try to only blog during this Two Week Wait when I am having bad feelings I need to get out. Usually that is at the 7DPO mark and onward that I struggle the most.

  I am hoping we caught you this cycle Baby Mayr. And that is we caught you you will stay with us and join us in the physical realm. We love you already.

  | 0 Comments Tagged Post Ovulation, Pregnancy, Sperm Meets Egg, Tamron Hall, Trigger Shot, Two Week Wait

• Cycle 15 Day 27: Dropping Temperatures Inside My Body and Outside My Window

  Posted at 2:13 am by amayr1984, on February 14, 2019

  What a day.

  As I have stated in previous posts I am facing job loss coming up and I am trying to head it off at the pass finically so I have already been in the job market.

  Today was my USPS postal service test at the testing center. The weather was absolutely dreadful but I know the post office delivers in weather rain or sleet or shine and the exam said you cannot cancel it within 24 hours of taking it so I knew I had to make it up there or I would lose my opportunity at this job. So I got up and checked my temperature this morning.

  It dropped a little (.15 so not below the cover line but still disappointing per my past patterns. My temperature usually never drops all the way back down until my menstrual cycle shows anyway so I can only read so much!) but I was determined to make a positive day out of this.

  The night before I dreamed I would find out I was pregnant this cycle. That all my bad luck with losing my job and everything else I experienced so far this week was going to culminate in the happiest thing possible that could happen to me. I felt waves of warmth and happiness wash over me while I was sleeping and when I woke up I thought my temperature would be better than it was but nothing confirms pregnancy but a test and that is for tomorrow morning.

  I set out for the testing center and it was a terrible drive there but I made it after some minor confusion. The roads were horrible and so was the parking lot. I arrived at 10:30am and the test was to begin at 11:15. I went up and tried to open the door and it wouldn’t open and I rang the doorbell per the instructions in the email and no one answered. There was a sign saying the university the testing was taking place at was closed but I still waited well into the testing time and called the company (no answer. Left a message) and emailed them. There was a gentleman there with me and we pretty much gave up after it went past our testing time and went back home.

  I was sort of annoyed though because it cost me effort and gas to get up there and it was not the best driving conditions. I slid and spun out twice no matter how slowly I was driving and I became more anxious to get home the longer I was on the road. I was becoming dizzy and tired even though I had just eaten but I don’t symptom spot so that didn’t matter except that I didn’t feel great in the conditions I was driving in. I managed to get within a mile of home before I slid slow motion across a patch of ice into a snow bank.

  I of course immediately tried to back up but I couldn’t. I switched on my warning lights and I put on my heated jacket and turned it up because my gas gauge suddenly said empty though I had a quarter of a tank before this slide off. I slid in at an angle so I figured it was possible that the fuel light was on by mistake because the tank was tilted or perhaps there was a leak. Either way I was not in a happy place at all being trapped on the side of the road. I knew with the weather conditions the wait times would simply be horrible and I wasn’t going anywhere for a while.

  I called good ole AAA and they promised me I would be out in an hour and a half which seemed terrible but I guess it could be worse. I sat there listening to ESPN on Sirius and reading happy pregnancy announcements on Glow to try to pass the time. I also talked to a union rep and texted my husband and told him not to miss work worrying about me. We obviously need the money.

  After a hour and a half passed I called the towing company AAA told me was coming to get me to see what the hold up was and they told me they told AAA they couldn’t help me because of my distance from them. I was astonished and starting to feel scared because it was cold and I didn’t now how long my jacket would hold up. A police officer and several good samaritans had stopped to check on me but I had told them all not to worry that I was just waiting to be towed by AAA. I called them back and they told me it was going to take them 2.5 Hours to find someone to come get me.

  At this point I began to lament my rotten luck thus far this year. I have just not seemed to be able to find the right energy or something just isn’t in my favor as my life is now and I just don’t get it. I feel like a decent and kind person with flaws but not anyone too terrible and yet my husband and I have had minor marriage struggles and now I am having a job loss happening, confusion about a job opportunity (USPS test not happening) and on top of that here I am on the side of the road in the cold! I was tired, nauseous and dizzy trying to figure out if I should just abandon my car and walk the mile or so home in a blizzard!

  Then a man with a bungee cord stopped. He told me he could try to get me out and I was scared to let him because I didn’t know if he really knew what he was doing but what choice did I have? I needed to get out and I needed to get home so I let him. He hooked the cord up to my car and told me to throw it in reverse and pump the gas when I felt the jerk. And then he took off and got in his truck.

  While I was sitting there waiting I just hoped against hope it would work. That something in my life would turn out ok in just these next few minutes. Perhaps I am hormonal and being dramatic, as I am sure people have far harder struggles than I do, but this is really where my head was. I just wanted to go back to the charmed life I had with a steady secure income and the unshakeable belief my husband and I would be fine and we would get pregnant. It seemed like those sure days were beyond me and buried under my tires as he pulled.

  The pulling did jerk me quite a bit but I held on for dear life as hit the gas even though I fear I might be running out of it. I bumped into the horn a couple of times even the jerks were so strong but my car did budge little by little. I think with 10 accelerations on his part I snapped free and came up out of the snow bank.

  And there I was back on the road. I was so grateful to that man. You know I think I saw something of my father in him when he came to help me. My father would have done the same; stopped and helped someone who was in a snow bank and this guy had his work clothes on too and a glint in his eye. Perhaps my father had looked out for me through this man when I thought everyone had turned against me in the spirit world based on my luck. I felt renewed being pulled free and I thanked him profusely which he said he didn’t need or want anything (I offered to pay him for his service. Being out of work I know how dear being paid for service is).

  I drove slowly and cautiously even more so home and I was so glad to get here and so tired and dizzy I decided to lay down and took a nice nap. Sometimes I just nap to escape. Part of me regrets that nap because I will not be able to sleep as well tonight to prepare for the interview but I have to consider what I needed then and that was truly it. Just quiet and peaceful escape.

  Sometimes this journey of life can be so discouraging. You can feel like you are giving it your best and still wind up with nothing or disappointment and misfortune. I was lucky my car and I were unscathed and that someone stopped to help me. I try to look on the bright side of that even though today did not go as planned.

  Tomorrow when I test I will try to be positive about that outcome as well regardless. I move between what I think the outcome will be. After 15 months it is scary to hope but it is also all I can do. The truth being I always hope for a positive pregnancy test and I hope for one with all my might tomorrow, jobless or not. My husband and I worked hard this past cycle to get pregnant and really gave it the best effort yet. We will keep this effort up if we are not pregnant, of course. For as much as we can afford to do so but I have to accept that we could give our best and come up short just like I did today.

  I want to prepare myself for the disappointment. It is strange 15 months of disappointment is not enough preparation but it simply isn’t. Nothing prepares you to be disappointed so deeply time and time again. But I think I have become better at coping with it and better at assuming that at some point we are going to get this right and the stars will align. My stars seem to be in disarray right now but if they want to align in just this one place I will be beyond happy for that.

  I ask the creator and my ancestors to intervene on my behalf or I hope they already have and I will either be with child or with the strength to handle yet another disappointment this week.

  | 0 Comments Tagged 15 Cycles, AAA, Black Woman, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Cycle Day 27, Hope, Hurt, Pain, Trials, Trying To Conceive, Two Week Wait

• Cycle 15 Day 26: The Last Week Wait Fears Are Here Again

  Posted at 2:33 am by amayr1984, on February 13, 2019

  I came home from working out and I set two of the closest to expiration date pregnancy tests in the top drawer and closed it up.

  I have studied my basal body temperature chart religiously for the past few hours and already I have felt some twinges in my stomach that have made me feel that Aunt Flo is on her way. There were brown specs when I wiped which I don’t know what that means but I assure you when you have tried as long as I have everything in these last few days seems like a bad omen.

  Glow says my next period is scheduled to begin in 3 days and Ava says in 5. I think it is actually somewhere in between based on my chart (the spotting I used for the days I got the brown specs):

  

  As you can see I got my dip a day after Glow claims I should have ovulated so I think that dip is the actual spot so about a day off I would say. This means I miscalculated and I can test on Valentine’s Day which would be so wonderful to get a big fat positive then. I always want to be wrong as I start to have those fears that this is again not my month.

  And I have so many other fears to consider at this point as well with my impending job loss on Friday. I had great insurance and benefits so I am losing my greatest weapon in this TTC journey in that alone. My husband will move me to his insurance but I will have to come up with the money to pay for the medications myself somehow and they only get more expensive from here and my income is going to evaporate until I secure another job. I have an interview on Thursday as well as some pre interview stuff tomorrow so I am moving in the direction to make sure I won’t have a gap in wages but time is not on my side as a 34 year old trying to conceive and neither is money or my luck as it has been. I continue to have hope even in these strenuous times. I continue to work out and to meditate and to take my medications. I better go pick up all the refills I can before Friday (note to self).

  I do not feel as devoid of hope as before because of course now there are other trials in my life that have overshadowed this journey so it is odd to have something else to worry about and does remove the focus off the thing that was the center of my life for quite some time now. It would honestly mean everything for me to find out I was pregnant coming up as so many new beginnings are on my horizon. I will try to stay positive because so much negative is going on in my life. I suppose no matter what that test says on Thursday there has to continue to be hope for us. I have to believe I will be a mother.

  I only have to wonder what more it will cost me emotionally and now financially based on where I am at. But I should try my best not to count myself out of this thing before it’s even over.

  Let’s wait for the empty window or the angry blood before we give up but let’s hope for 2 pink lines and 9 months of pregnancy instead.

  | 0 Comments Tagged 10 Days Post Ovulation, Anxiety, Fear, Hope, Job Loss, Pregnancy, Trying To Conceive, Two Week Wait, TWW

• Cycle 15 Day 23 And The Loom Of Unexpected Job Loss

  Posted at 11:40 pm by amayr1984, on February 9, 2019

  I am losing my job next Friday and it is one of the most heartbreaking and devastating experiences of mourning that I have gone through in some time. I absolutely love my job and everything that came with it except management. And so naturally, through some inaccuracies and misconceptions management is giving me the boot and I am entering the scariest part of my adult life.

  I never thought I would be fired and it has thrown a wrench into my trying to conceive journey as well. Suddenly I couldn’t afford to go to acupuncture on Friday so that was gone. I was a wreck the first day after I found out and my doctor and my husband told me I had to not stress because I’m in the Two Week Wait and it is bad for me but who can be stress free when a whole paycheck has just evaporated into thin air the way mine is about to? I cannot be stress free. I cannot imagine how anyone can ask that of me. I need to do what I need to do and so I mourned hardcore the first two days trapped in a daze of disbelief. Cried to my mother and my husband and laid in bed watching Dynasty reruns skipping to the ones I could stomach because I am in season 7 now and it aint all good anymore.

  Mostly I feel hurt to lose an amazing community of co workers and I truly enjoyed patient care. The benefits were also great. WageWorks and Priority Health are leaving me. I’m going to be entering a new territory with new struggles piled on my old struggles. And for what reason I cannot fathom. It doesn’t seem much of anything is going my way right now when I need it to most.

  To make matters extra dramatic the day I test is the day I get to go in and officially get fired. So if I have a BFN of course that is really going to add to the depression of the day.

  And if I have a BFP I will have some uncertainty but at the very least at least I will have some hope. More than any other month I hope I finally get my BFP. That something finally goes my way.

  I have not ridden the emotional rollercoaster about my body as much this go round because I have other bigger things to worry about and endless jobs to apply for. I have so much other stuff on my mind that it hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind that I could finally become a mom or get two slaps in the face on the same day. My number one focus is applying for any and every job under the sun I can get my hands on.

  I know and believe I will be vindicated in the long run and my name will be cleared. I believe that. I just don’t know what to make of the times ahead.

  The new medications they expect me to take sound crappy if I am not pregnant this go round. Clomid and Ovidrel and Prometrium and there was a complicated schedule and calendar to it all…it’s only gonna get more twisted from here and we aren’t even talking IUI at this point. No we are talking about a whole bunch of shots just to do timed intercourse yet again. I don’t want that for myself. At age 34 the idea of stacking on more and more and more is just taxing.

  Talking to my husband’s sister in law last night she said she and her husband plan to start trying in April. I hope their journey is much speedier than ours but I won’t lie that I would likely be jealous if they have the first child after we have been struggling along for such a while. I’ll be happy for them but disappointed of us.

  But I am hopeful I am wrong this go round and that things are certainly going to work out in our favor. As I move forward with trying to piece my life back together I am going to try to seek more positive energy because I have seen some of the most negative things between the death of my father a couple years ago, my fertility struggles and the sudden loss of my job. I haven’t led a bad life and have usually gotten what I wanted so these last few years have truly been shockers. I can only hope for the best that they will get better and that happiness is around the corner and not more sadness.

  I do not even know where we are in the race this time because I’m so focused on so many other things. But we will see what happens. Soon enough

  | 0 Comments Tagged Black Women Trying To Conceive, Dynasty, Job Loss, Pregnancy, Trying To Conceive, Trying To Get Pregnant, Two Week Wait

• Cycle 15: Day 9 Having A Plan Can Lessen The Guilt and Anxiety of Infertility

  Posted at 6:10 am by amayr1984, on February 5, 2019

  

  If you have read any of my previous posts from the cycles before you will realize that one of my great struggles with infertility (besides of course the whole not getting pregnant thing) is wrestling with the dreaded Two Week Wait.

  The Two Week Wait is a time of such anxiety for many women who are trying to get pregnant so this isn’t something unique to me and for most of it, typically I am fine. The last week of it I become a monster of mood swings and anxiety before crying my eyes out because of my negative test or getting my period and then quiet acceptance of the fact that I live to try to get pregnant another month.

  I make it through though it is an annoying and hellacious rollercoaster ride. In talking with my husband tonight I realized that some of the worst feelings during this time is the anxiety of did we really do everything we possibly could to get pregnant?

  And there really isn’t a hell of a lot you can do except try to have sex on the right days and take your prenatal and not smoke or drink too much and hope for the best. There is so little control in all of this that the lack of control itself can become a source of anxiety because we know we can’t do much about it but we know it just happens to so many people do why isn’t it just happening to us?

  Often times my husband and I struggle to get to or stick to a plan that is consistent with Trying to Conceive because it is work. The sex isn’t extremely romantic and sometimes you really don’t feel like having sex at all. It’s a grind at 15 months and we have tweaked and then not gone through with the tweaking because someone didn’t want to do it that much or couldn’t or whatever.

  And then when you are in the Two Week Wait you just sit there and you think bitterly “well what if we had done it that one more day!” Those nagging doubts sit on your mind as you wait. You look at your calendar repeatedly and gauge your chances, check your basal body temperature chart and obsess over your Ava data all that week hanging on to hope while sanity slips away.

  And this is where Sperm Meets Egg came in and has been a centering force for me. Having a plan, and sticking to the plan and executing it makes you feel like no matter what we gave it our best shot. And knowing that provides some kind of peace because as I said you can’t control much of anything about getting pregnant anyway. But the sex schedule, well that you can control. And Sperm Meets Egg makes a LOT of sense.

  The basic break down of the plan is that you start having sex every other day from Cycle Day 8 on. You take ovulation predictor kits and when you get a positive you have sex those next three days in a row, skip a day and have sex one more time. This, to me is great because it allows you to cover a wide span of your calendar without making your partner stay on top of you every other day all cycle as some other plans suggest. Perhaps for those in their 20s that is sustainable but I am 34 and my husband is 40 and we just don’t have the stamina for that much robotic sex. That also leaves us some time at the end of the month to have actual lust based sex which I think makes my husband happy.

  Today we completed the Sperm Meets Egg plan. I am pretty sure I ovulated two days ago but we had sex on that day and yesterday was our break and today was our last day. As I spoke with my husband I realized that I was at peace because I know we researched a plan (ok I researched it) we executed it and now we gave the best shot we could towards pregnancy. The rest is up to nature, my body and whatever magic the universe has that is involved with this. But I did my part. There are no regrets on my end and no doubts.

  And losing that anxiety means the world. Have you tried this plan? Do you have another plan? Feel free to talk to me!

  | 0 Comments Tagged Black, Black Women Trying To Conceive, Femara, Fertility, Fertility Center Patient, Infertility, Letrozole, OVulation, Pregnancy, Sperm Meets Egg Plan, Two Week Wait

• Cycle 15 Day 17: Let The Two Week Wait Begin (Again)

  Posted at 5:32 am by amayr1984, on February 3, 2019

  

  Well according to Glow my Two Week Wait started yesterday…BUT since Ava was more accurate last cycle I used Ava as my guide for when the Two Week Wait starts

  

  Today. So today the rollercoaster begins. And as the hearts indicate my husband and I gave it a pretty good go. Waiting for my temperature to spike to confirm ovulation which I hope happens tonight going into tomorrow. I am very excited and hopeful right now…but I remain realistic. This is my third round of Letrozole and we did have some decent follicles showing so I am just allowing myself the space to accept that we gave it our best shot and what will be will be. We really couldn’t have done much different. The past two days my husband had some difficulty because his stomach was bothering him so we used a menstrual cup as a way to sort of inseminate and I put my legs in the air while I did my meditation. I am hopeful that will be good enough for those days but we have had quite a bit of sex and have stayed hydrated and so I am not sure what more we could have done at all.

  This is the tricky part. You can do everything right and still come up short. So you have to try to focus and stay positive because honestly there is no way to predict success with this.

  You just have to…wait. For Two Weeks. So I will check in periodically and blog about my emotions like I normally do. I will be testing this cycle on the 15th with first morning urine. And I will go in hopeful that I won’t become a complete emotional wreck like I usually do. And that my husband and I don’t get into any fights and that we remain peaceful. That’s what I want is lots and lots of peace.

  I cooked today which was huge for me and I talked to my brother on FaceTime which was very necessary because the Polar Vortex had me going stir crazy. I may make my way to the gym tomorrow. The weather has broken and it is much warmer. I am ready to get out of the house for a bit. It will do wonders for my depression. That much I know.

  Anyone else going through the Two Week Wait with my I wish you lots of peace and lots of luck. I hope this is our time.

  | 0 Comments Tagged Ava Bracelet, Glow, Infertility, Pregnancy, Two Week Wait

• Cycle Day 2: Bringing That “Spark” Back Into The Relationship

  Posted at 10:53 pm by amayr1984, on January 19, 2019

  The hardest part of trying to conceive, besides the constant disappointment, is how it impacts your relationship over all.

  It consumes it in many ways.

  And as a woman it often is an imbalance of labor and guilt on your own end that you feel like your husband never really feels or experiences. In a lot of ways he gets a break that you never do.

  Really if all the testing and everything is done your husband only has to be there for one week out of the month and the rest is back to his regularly scheduled program if you are doing just plain old timed intercourse. It is hard to not make the entire sex life of the relationship revolve around this though because after a while sex seems to be a part of a routine. And it can be draining on both people.

  But to hear your husband complain about it you feel this quiet rage brew in you…like gee…could you just work with me on this little part? Could you?

  Today I began to explain to my husband, in admittedly not the most exciting way that this month I wanted to try the Sperm Meets Egg Plan and I had highlighted on the calendar to make it easier what days we would need to have sex. This is not romantic. A sex calendar. My husband told me “way to put the spark back into our marriage” and in that moment I was delivered back to a nightmare I had the previous night where everyone was pregnant and I was crying the entire dream. At one point one of the pregnant people told me if I all I was going to do was cry she wasn’t going to let me near her baby. At that moment I came and got on the computer to blog all of this.

  My husband was joking and he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. And I was serious and I didn’t mean to make sex more of a chore than it already is for us. We both want the same thing but our approaches just are not matching and neither are our moods.

  For me I am willing to do about anything to increase our chances of getting pregnant. I can’t pump myself full of anything much else short of doing IVF at this point which we simply can’t afford. I am trying to maximize the free method for what it is worth. Is trying the SMEP plan really going to change things so much?

  All I have asked my husband to do differently is drink more water during the fertile week and try this plan. He takes a vitamin daily too.

  I have to go to multiple ultrasounds to make sure I don’t have cysts and suck down a medicine cabinet of supplements and medications and be the reminder of when to have sex. The sex bad guy. The spark killer. I am in charge of all of that. And then after all of that is done I get to ride the emotional Two Week Wait rollercoaster while he watches from below. Sure he sees me and experiences me as I am going through it but I am riding it by myself and only I feel the sickness, twists and turns and dips and highs.

  Perhaps he is on his own rollercoaster he hasn’t told me about? I can’t testify to that I suppose. I shouldn’t try to speak for how he feels but that is how it seems to me anyway. That there is still a lot of his world that isn’t about this and this is an irritating side project with ever changing rules.

  You know what would be dope to hear from my husband?

  “I would love to try that!”

  “Great idea, honey!”

  Or to even know he has been researching ways to increase our chances to get pregnant and he came home and suggested something to try so we could have a more successful outcomes would feel supportive as well.

  Actually this whole thing has sprung into a half of a fight between us. I asked him was he doing anything independently to help with us trying to get pregnant because I didn’t want to assume for this writing he wasn’t? He said he felt the questioning was judgmental and explained why. I don’t feel it was but because I said he was “irritated” by some of the plan changes (which I still do. There isn’t enthusiasm a lot of times when I suggest something new).

  Even trying to write this blog and really get some of his ow perspective on this to make sure I am not just living in my own head and being grossly unfair has removed the “spark” in some ways I guess.

  It can be difficult to stay connected as a couple in these relationships where you are trying to conceive. It can be difficult to feel supported. And these challenges are just from trying to make a baby which to some people would be really fun but for many of us couples, especially when we have been on the journey a long time, the fun dissipates. The life wafts out.

  And then you don’t want to talk about it. Then it becomes that hot button issue you want to avoid or have to mentally prepare yourself for because of all of the feelings. So many feelings.

  Hopefully we can come together.

  | 0 Comments Tagged Difficulty, Marriage, New cycle, Relationships, Sperm Meets Egg, Trying To Conceive, Two Week Wait

• Cycle Day 28: Good Bye Failed Cycle. Hello New Race

  Posted at 2:11 am by amayr1984, on January 16, 2019

  

  And now the acceptance stage rolls around the day before my period right on time.

  I accept I am not pregnant. I have talked to a couple friends on the phone. I have purchased iron to add to my daily supplement and medications for Fertility arsenal. I made it to boot camp today again and I checked off most of the goals that I had for myself though Lord knows I have not tackled the upstairs and cleaned it like I keep lying and saying I will. (I will).

  I know that all there is to do is to try again. Most of the time I am very sane and realistic about this journey. I just started blogging in the bad spot but I am sure I will be back in that bad spot pretty soon. That’s what the picture is for. When I saw it in a Trying to Conceive group I was like “O MY GOD! That’s it!”

  That is the rollercoaster ride I am on when I am in that last week of the two week wait. Up and down. Down and up. Hopeful then pessimistic. And it’s not something I really see changing any time soon. Maybe if this takes a whole lot longer it will change or become a straight line. I would love for it to change but the past 14 months have shown me that change will not come easily.

  So as my cycle ends I consider my goals for next cycle:

  Workout 5 days a week

  Continue to eat well. Incorporate more fruit.

  Find more time to clean and organize as this is therapeutic for me and I want to get my house a certain way before I head back to work.

  Talk to your friends more. Call them. FaceTime them. Go see them.

  Ask husband to drink more water closer to Trying to Conceive time

  Try Mucinex because I didn’t seem to have a lot of cervical mucus

  We’ll see about that Diva Cup thing again. I found it weird and after one round of it not working I wouldn’t miss giving it up.

  Most importantly though: Be Kind to Yourself

  This is the lesson I will have the hardest time with as beating myself up is a reflex that I need to eliminate from my psyche period. It’s not your fault you are not getting pregnant. You are trying your best. One day it will work out.

  You are going to be an amazing mother one day. And I know you won’t be comforted in the last week of the two week wait next month reading this…but just know at the end of the rollercoaster there is peace.

  There is still hope.

  Get on your mark. Ready. Set. Go.

  Baby Mayr, I’m coming for you.

  | 0 Comments Tagged Big Fat Negative, Confidence, Journey, Menses, Motherhood, Period, Trying To Conceive, Two Week Wait, Words of Inspiration

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