Two Week Wait | Chasing Baby Mayr | Page 2

Tag: Two Week Wait
- Cycle Day 26: Temperature and Spirit Drops
  
  Posted at 10:54 pm by amayr1984, on January 13, 2019
  
  Anyone who does Basal Body Temping knows that temperature drops, no matter how small, feel foreboding during this time in your cycle. (I use the Ava and the skin temperatures from that I input into my chart. Works on the same basic principal I just don’t have to remember the thermometer every morning)
  
  I woke up today to that drop and to a sense of dread and sadness. I do not want to seem the pessimist…or is it possible I have seemed the pessimist this entire time anyway. I can read back and double check on that one I guess.
  
  I got annoyed with my husband because he went out to go get storage boxes and stopped over to help his brother with something or other. I don’t really care he stopped over to help his brother but today was the day we were going to clean out the spare room to make room for the potential nursery I will do the painting on when I get some money to buy paint (a lot of requirements to be met). It felt like once again he was gone somewhere else doing something else when there was plenty to do at our house. It was partially selfish and unfair of me but also partially very true in the emotional moment I was in. I expressed my irritation. Thankfully it didn’t turn into a fight but I can tell it is still a source of tension between us. I just needed him today but he can’t ever fully understand the angst or dread I am going through anyway waiting to test. Do our partners truly understand any of it? He’s not even on a countdown. I had to remind him tomorrow I will be testing. It’s not really happening to him so it’s not a weight on his shoulders. Only some of the aftermath is.
  
  And…I hate testing. Whatever comes up I will post it and share it. I have the strong feeling it is a big fat negative since my temperatures are going down again. I don’t feel any cramps or anything particular but that doesn’t mean anything. I don’t feel very different either.
  
  Now is the time where I reflect what could have been done differently? Why are we so unlucky? Now is the time where I prepare to feel sorry for myself tomorrow. I wish I could march forward into the testing with a brave and confident face. I wish I could take that test and say to myself “I Know I Am Pregnant” even if I am not. I wish I could just believe that for a change because the sadness is harder. I did believe these things once a few months ago but the disappointment just weighs you down and it mocks you when you try to lift yourself up again.
  
  Remember down here where you always are? Remember.
  
  I wish I did not.
  
  As we cleaned out the room today I did begin to feel a small sense of destiny. I didn’t enjoy moving all that stuff into the basement mind you but I did enjoy getting rid of a lot of trash and clearing out the space. We have a lot of clutter that is very unnecessary. It is funny to see what you have accumulated when you really sit down and go over everything. Old dresses from college that I quickly put on Poshmark to try to get rid of because some of them are still in great condition. Old stuffed animals, Tons of books you haven’t even thought about…there is so much one accumulates over the span of their life and I am someone who gets rid of things two times a year and yet here was so much still. It was a bit of a relief to gather all that stuff up and move it out of the room.
  
  I found myself focusing on minor details afterwards that I hadn’t noticed like how the walls were textured and I didn’t particularly like that. Truth is all of our walls are textured and I just find it so irritating. So I was nitpicking even the thing that was supposed to be possibly bringing me so much joy which is getting to paint this nursery. Getting to believe that a baby will be in it one day.
  
  I don’t plan to buy anything for it before I get a positive pregnancy test. My husband wants me to but I feel if I do it will become my crying place while we continue to try. I don’t want that. I don’t want my depression to taint that room that will one day be the source of so much joy. But I do want to paint it. I do want to invest in it since investing in myself so much hasn’t yielded what I wanted yet.
  
  I want this baby so much. I will continue to chase you but please do not make me chase you anymore.
  
  Please do not make me spend this last day before they make me test trying to do some all encompassing chore so that the hours will drift by and I can ignore my sadness again.
  
  The truth is I want tomorrow’s test to be positive, of course. I just fear that it will not be and I will have to run this race again. The emotions are the worst part of this race. The changes of hearts and the slipping from hopeful to filled with despair. Trying to read your body even though you swear you aren’t doing just that. Your spouse joking you are pregnant even when you find yourself creating a superstition that doing so is damning so please join me in that superstition. O truly, they will never ever know what it is like for us to live this torture. They will see our moods and probably dread the two week wait for that reason alone but they will never know what it is like to be in it.
  
  To exist in anxiety, dread, hopefulness and fear all at once and to wait to take that test that you don’t want to be negative but it has been so so so many times. They will never know.
  
  Tomorrow I hope it will not be something I will know again. I hope this is my last two week wait for a long time. Please.
  
  The nursery is empty now and it just needs to be painted the way I want. The clutter is gone. We are waiting for you, Baby Mayr. Chasing you. Please let us catch you.
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged Ava, Basal Body Temperature, Charting, Depression, Glow, Hope, Infertility, Personal, Pregnancy Test, Two Week Wait
- Cycle Day 25: Wuthering Heights and Wavering Confidence
  
  Posted at 11:32 pm by amayr1984, on January 12, 2019
  
  Did I not tell you this journey was a ride in these Two Weeks?
  
  I have been through a large range of emotions even just today. The fears of course come from knowing that test day is nearly upon me and I have had so many disappointments so far. I honestly hate that I am asked to test as apart of this new fertility program I am on. There is really nothing that seems more menacing than having that white screen with that one pink line wink back at you and your hopes. Usually after I see that one pink line I will hold the test up to the light to make sure. I will squint and a couple of times I will hopefully fool myself into seeing a second one until I tell myself to really be honest and then it is just the one white line again. Afterward I feel that twinge that tells me that Aunt Flow is coming. It’s always afterwards. Never a true warning before and so begins the despair of knowing I will get my period and the race will begin again.
  
  So as I deal with all of this I have of course been trying to pass my time in a more relaxing and productive way. I have been successful in keeping up with Duolingo doing Spanish and Italian lessons daily. I managed to half assed do a Jillian Michael’s workout because let me tell you, I am winded trying to throw this body around. I finished the entire series on Netflix called Friends From College which I have a love and hate relationship with. The characters absolutely get on my nerves but I enjoy the show. It is very confusing but that killed enough time.
  
  And now for the first time ever I am watching one of the DVDs of classic movies I have received from Netflix before my husband mails it back without me seeing it because I never watch them. He is right; usually I do not watch them but that is because I do not know how to use the HDMI system. He showed me yesterday and so here I am watching an old version of Wuthering Heights on DVD.
  
  Here I am. It is funny, how I both want time to speed up til Monday and I am dreading it just the same. Because I am afraid of what always was. The negative. I have felt some confidence during this Two Week Wait that maybe things will turn out different this time but do you know this wouldn’t be the first Two Week Wait I have felt confident about either? I have had ALL of the symptoms in the past including heartburn, sore breasts, nausea, tiredness (the most common in my case haha). I have felt every sign and had nothing. It seems this Two Week Wait there really haven’t been many signs at all for me. My lab work looks great but I haven’t had the sore breasts as early as I usually do in my Two Week Wait and I haven’t experienced anything telling me I should be confident. Nothing but hope.
  
  But as the days march on the hope almost feels like it could be a liability to hold on to because it will be mocked internally if you do not get the positive. Because it won’t be the first time you hoped. And it won’t be the last time you’ll hope. But until you get the positive you just don’t want to ride the hope elevator to the top only to be pushed out into an empty shaft when there is no positive.
  
  I want to win the race. I am coming closer to the finish line now. I want to win and I do not want to start over again. But I must be reasonable if I lose and be prepared to do just that. To prepare for both possibilities seems contradictory to hoping as well. But I a grateful for this opportunity. These quiet times and these distractions.
  
  Spoiler:
  
  Friends From College ended with a pregnancy and the moment where the character heard her child’s heart beat I teared up. I cannot wait to have such a moment. The idea that I may be very close to it right now is so invigorating.
  
  Tomorrow for my distraction my husband and I will clean out what will be the nursery and put some things away to make room for what is to come. I do hope that my body has made room for this baby. That while we are making plans my womb is already set up. I do hope. I should not be ashamed to nor let every twinge I am experiencing in my body scare me away from that.
  
  One phrase I hate in the Trying To Conceive Community is “You’re not out til Aunt Flow shows!” When people show up with negative tests they are told this all of the time. I suppose in some ways it is true. You can’t really be sure until then but some of us have gotten no enough times to know when the no really means no. We feel it, And once the hope has been sucked out we don’t want to be inflated again only for Aunt Flow to let us down again.
  
  Monday I hope to finally get my two lines. If I don’t, I know I will be out. I don’t need to see Aunt Flow. Aunt First Response has not lied to me yet.
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged Aunt, Baby, First Time Mother, Flow, Trying To Conceive, Two Week Wait, Wait, Week
- Cycle Day 23: Sick And Defensive
  
  Posted at 2:09 am by amayr1984, on January 11, 2019
  
  Last night was absolutely treacherous for me. I stayed up all night being sick. I threw up this morning and it was painful. I don’t know if I have a stomach bug or what is going on. As with anything in the Two Week Wait the fear at that point becomes “am I jeopardizing my potential for conception?” You know that is the drag of the Two Week Wait. You think everything is going to cause you to not become pregnant, however there is nothing you can really do even if you know that is the fact. I can’t not have a stomach bug.
  
  The worst however was losing my appetite. I have struggled with that in the past with my depression, most significantly when my father passed. Today being sick and throwing up made me not anxious to eat, however I got some chicken noodle soup at Chic Fil A before our couple’s counseling session.
  
  That only went OK today. I thought we were going in on really good terms but I took a ton of offense when my husband said he was worried about me and my sleeping so much and struggling to have a good appetite. I felt attacked because I really feel like I put a great effort into TRYING to be ok even when all of this is very overwhelming. I exercise. I eat healthy when I do eat and I do not sleep well when I sleep. Part of why I have been sleeping so much lately is that my luteal phase causes me to be very restless when I sleep. The hormone shifts keep me awake at night. I am sure my husband meant well but hearing things like that make me feel hopeless because I feel like I am carrying a lot of weight trying to achieve this pregnancy. I am taking a ton of medications it seems like and that Metformin just really makes me feel awful but I know it is helping me ovulate so I soldier on. Maybe I need to get on a more regular schedule and start taking it closer to the same time but I always take it with my first meal and that all depends on when I get up and when I feel like eating.
  
  I wish I felt like my husband trusts that I am going to take care of myself during this pregnancy. What he was saying today made me feel inadequate in a time where I feel like I am giving everything I can.
  
  Here is the thing: I do enjoy sleeping and I want to do that without setting off alarm bells that I am in some kind of crisis with my husband. My depression largely manifests as loss of appetite and sleeping so I get why he is alarmed but I am not in a bad place right now in my opinion and the hardest part of dealing with depression is having people watching you waiting for you slip back. You want them to enjoy you while you’re well and just be supportive when you’re not. My doctor took me off my medications for this attempt at pregnancy so I am giving it all my best and taking medication that regulates your blood sugar and has the side effect of suppressing your appetite is not going to make you extremely energetic either.
  
  The best support a person can give someone who is trying to conceive is to listen, and don’t judge. I am sure my husband has very reasonable concerns and I need to listen to them too. And try not to be so sensitive about them but it is hard not to be sensitive when you are giving your all to something. I hope in time we can gain understanding. I know I am going to be a great and healthy mother and I know I am going to take care of our baby when we are pregnant.
  
  As of right now though I am not sure of how I feel. If I think I am pregnant or not. Time passes when I am sure I am going to have twins for some reason I can’t explain then at other times that dread washes over me that I will get another negative test on Monday and be gearing up to chase Baby Mayr all over again for the 15th time. I asked my husband how he will feel if we’re not pregnant. He said “I’m reserving my feelings for my own blog.”
  
  At least I can laugh during the two week wait. And having a sparkling water since I drink til it is pink.
  
  Please, be pink.
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged Black, Conceive, Depression, Infertility, Pregnancy, To, Two Week Wait, Woman
- Cycle Day 22: The Two Week Wait Drags On
  
  Posted at 7:36 am by amayr1984, on January 10, 2019
  
  Do you know what I hate most about this time period?
  
  Having to constantly remind yourself not to symptom spot.
  
  Since I have been trying for quite some time I really don’t symptom spot as much anymore. The reality is I have been not pregnant for the duration of us trying so much that nothing really means anything to me anymore. Sore breasts, tired, nausea, loss of appetite, etc etc are all things I have experienced when I was not pregnant anyway. So many of the symptoms women rave about telling on them being pregnant before their period are just regular old symptoms that happen because progesterone is rising anyway whether you are with child or not. It’s all hopeless guesswork but some women will swear by their ability to tell their regular PMS symptoms from pregnancy symptoms.
  
  For women like myself who have yet to have any success as I said you come to ignore the symptoms anyway. The only thing I would say is much different this Two Week Wait is that I do NOT have sore breasts of any kind and normally I do by this time and they taper off about 3 days before my period. Mine aren’t even slightly tender this go round but I don’t read anything into it really. O sure, I do hope I am pregnant. That is of course the hope every single month. But I don’t read anything as a promise. You have to hope even when there isn’t anything to really hang it on. The best thing to hang it on were yesterday’s progesterone results and that’s just the hope that eggs were released. Did we hit them? Did they stick? There is nothing that will tell me that before Monday.
  
  I went to acupuncture today and that was really all I did. I enjoy acupuncture and do recommend it for those who are trying to conceive though I would be lying if I did not say it was not QUITE expensive. I pay around 100 dollars a visit and at once a week visiting it’s a financial burden for sure. Being off work right now I wouldn’t even be able to afford it save for my Flexible Spending account. That said I am very grateful for it. I do think this along with seeking help at the Fertility Center is why some of my levels are turning around. I also enjoy the time I have the needles in. It may sound odd to say but you have the best naps and dreams while on the acupuncture table.
  
  I typically start out trying to imagine and picture myself pregnant. From there I let my mind drift and it almost feels like I am traveling through several doors of my mind. One thing leads into another but they don’t seem to be really connected and I never totally remember what all I dreamed about when they come to tell me the session is over. A lot of the time I am saddened when they come to remove the needles because it seems like if I could wear them for 8 hours I would actually get a decent night’s sleep (which I do not in my luteal phase. I am awake now at 2:30 am after patchwork sleep last night and a nap for two hours that was wholly unnecessary). It’s wonderful and I have seem and improvement in my mood overall since going and it has certainly helped with managing my anxiety and depression which I am not on medications for right now while trying to conceive per the recommendation of my doctor. My anxiety is not very bad but my depression can manifest in tiredness and low feelings in the winter. So far this winter I am okay. Not great, but okay.
  
  In any event when I returned home from acupuncture I wanted to eat but I did not have the urge to eat at all. I just wanted to lay down. So I did for a couple of hours though I don’t think I fell asleep. I just laid there in bed and watched Dynasty reruns (perhaps that is a sign of depression in itself? Can’t truly say). Afterward my husband coaxed me out of bed and made oatmeal with protein powder for me and it was delicious but at the same time I didn’t really want it. He offered me eggs and I only asked for one scrambled and a chicken sausage. It was about all I could stand. Later I ate some reheated Mexican rice and now I am sitting up awake slightly hungry but uninterested in anything we have available to eat.
  
  I am also irritable about things that normally wouldn’t bother me or haven’t really forced their way to the surface. My husband, for example, a lot of times does not clean up the kitchen after cooking. Tonight this bothered me. I tried to say so in a kind way but I need to be more assertive. It is important to me the dishes get washed every night and night’s he works since I am off of work I don’t mind cleaning up after him but he should definitely do it the nights he is at home. Be assertive.
  
  Anyway, as I sit awake I am hopeful but I don’t count anything as for certain. I am just hoping this time passes quickly and we can get to Monday where I will test and from there know whether I am starting the race again or at the finish line finally hoisting my positive pregnancy test.
  
  All I know is right now I don’t want to do much but rest, watch Dynasty reruns and eat something that I have yet to discover.
  
  | 0 Comments Tagged 22, Cycle, Day, Spotter, Symptom, Symptom Spotting, Trying To Conceive, TTC, Two, Two Week Wait, Wait
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