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Cycle Day 25: Wuthering Heights and Wavering Confidence

Posted at 11:32 pm by amayr1984, on January 12, 2019

Did I not tell you this journey was a ride in these Two Weeks?

I have been through a large range of emotions even just today. The fears of course come from knowing that test day is nearly upon me and I have had so many disappointments so far. I honestly hate that I am asked to test as apart of this new fertility program I am on. There is really nothing that seems more menacing than having that white screen with that one pink line wink back at you and your hopes. Usually after I see that one pink line I will hold the test up to the light to make sure. I will squint and a couple of times I will hopefully fool myself into seeing a second one until I tell myself to really be honest and then it is just the one white line again. Afterward I feel that twinge that tells me that Aunt Flow is coming. It’s always afterwards. Never a true warning before and so begins the despair of knowing I will get my period and the race will begin again.

So as I deal with all of this I have of course been trying to pass my time in a more relaxing and productive way. I have been successful in keeping up with Duolingo doing Spanish and Italian lessons daily. I managed to half assed do a Jillian Michael’s workout because let me tell you, I am winded trying to throw this body around. I finished the entire series on Netflix called Friends From College which I have a love and hate relationship with. The characters absolutely get on my nerves but I enjoy the show. It is very confusing but that killed enough time.

And now for the first time ever I am watching one of the DVDs of classic movies I have received from Netflix before my husband mails it back without me seeing it because I never watch them. He is right; usually I do not watch them but that is because I do not know how to use the HDMI system. He showed me yesterday and so here I am watching an old version of Wuthering Heights on DVD.

Here I am. It is funny, how I both want time to speed up til Monday and I am dreading it just the same. Because I am afraid of what always was. The negative. I have felt some confidence during this Two Week Wait that maybe things will turn out different this time but do you know this wouldn’t be the first Two Week Wait I have felt confident about either? I have had ALL of the symptoms in the past including heartburn, sore breasts, nausea, tiredness (the most common in my case haha). I have felt every sign and had nothing. It seems this Two Week Wait there really haven’t been many signs at all for me. My lab work looks great but I haven’t had the sore breasts as early as I usually do in my Two Week Wait and I haven’t experienced anything telling me I should be confident. Nothing but hope.

But as the days march on the hope almost feels like it could be a liability to hold on to because it will be mocked internally if you do not get the positive. Because it won’t be the first time you hoped. And it won’t be the last time you’ll hope. But until you get the positive you just don’t want to ride the hope elevator to the top only to be pushed out into an empty shaft when there is no positive.

I want to win the race. I am coming closer to the finish line now. I want to win and I do not want to start over again. But I must be reasonable if I lose and be prepared to do just that. To prepare for both possibilities seems contradictory to hoping as well. But I a grateful for this opportunity. These quiet times and these distractions.

Spoiler:

Friends From College ended with a pregnancy and the moment where the character heard her child’s heart beat I teared up. I cannot wait to have such a moment. The idea that I may be very close to it right now is so invigorating.

Tomorrow for my distraction my husband and I will clean out what will be the nursery and put some things away to make room for what is to come. I do hope that my body has made room for this baby. That while we are making plans my womb is already set up. I do hope. I should not be ashamed to nor let every twinge I am experiencing in my body scare me away from that.

One phrase I hate in the Trying To Conceive Community is “You’re not out til Aunt Flow shows!” When people show up with negative tests they are told this all of the time. I suppose in some ways it is true. You can’t really be sure until then but some of us have gotten no enough times to know when the no really means no. We feel it, And once the hope has been sucked out we don’t want to be inflated again only for Aunt Flow to let us down again.

Monday I hope to finally get my two lines. If I don’t, I know I will be out. I don’t need to see Aunt Flow. Aunt First Response has not lied to me yet.

| 0 Comments Tagged Aunt, Baby, First Time Mother, Flow, Trying To Conceive, Two Week Wait, Wait, Week

Cycle Day 22: The Two Week Wait Drags On

Posted at 7:36 am by amayr1984, on January 10, 2019

Do you know what I hate most about this time period?

Having to constantly remind yourself not to symptom spot.

Since I have been trying for quite some time I really don’t symptom spot as much anymore. The reality is I have been not pregnant for the duration of us trying so much that nothing really means anything to me anymore. Sore breasts, tired, nausea, loss of appetite, etc etc are all things I have experienced when I was not pregnant anyway. So many of the symptoms women rave about telling on them being pregnant before their period are just regular old symptoms that happen because progesterone is rising anyway whether you are with child or not. It’s all hopeless guesswork but some women will swear by their ability to tell their regular PMS symptoms from pregnancy symptoms.

For women like myself who have yet to have any success as I said you come to ignore the symptoms anyway. The only thing I would say is much different this Two Week Wait is that I do NOT have sore breasts of any kind and normally I do by this time and they taper off about 3 days before my period. Mine aren’t even slightly tender this go round but I don’t read anything into it really. O sure, I do hope I am pregnant. That is of course the hope every single month. But I don’t read anything as a promise. You have to hope even when there isn’t anything to really hang it on. The best thing to hang it on were yesterday’s progesterone results and that’s just the hope that eggs were released. Did we hit them? Did they stick? There is nothing that will tell me that before Monday.

I went to acupuncture today and that was really all I did. I enjoy acupuncture and do recommend it for those who are trying to conceive though I would be lying if I did not say it was not QUITE expensive. I pay around 100 dollars a visit and at once a week visiting it’s a financial burden for sure. Being off work right now I wouldn’t even be able to afford it save for my Flexible Spending account. That said I am very grateful for it. I do think this along with seeking help at the Fertility Center is why some of my levels are turning around. I also enjoy the time I have the needles in. It may sound odd to say but you have the best naps and dreams while on the acupuncture table.

I typically start out trying to imagine and picture myself pregnant. From there I let my mind drift and it almost feels like I am traveling through several doors of my mind. One thing leads into another but they don’t seem to be really connected and I never totally remember what all I dreamed about when they come to tell me the session is over. A lot of the time I am saddened when they come to remove the needles because it seems like if I could wear them for 8 hours I would actually get a decent night’s sleep (which I do not in my luteal phase. I am awake now at 2:30 am after patchwork sleep last night and a nap for two hours that was wholly unnecessary). It’s wonderful and I have seem and improvement in my mood overall since going and it has certainly helped with managing my anxiety and depression which I am not on medications for right now while trying to conceive per the recommendation of my doctor. My anxiety is not very bad but my depression can manifest in tiredness and low feelings in the winter. So far this winter I am okay. Not great, but okay.

In any event when I returned home from acupuncture I wanted to eat but I did not have the urge to eat at all. I just wanted to lay down. So I did for a couple of hours though I don’t think I fell asleep. I just laid there in bed and watched Dynasty reruns (perhaps that is a sign of depression in itself? Can’t truly say). Afterward my husband coaxed me out of bed and made oatmeal with protein powder for me and it was delicious but at the same time I didn’t really want it. He offered me eggs and I only asked for one scrambled and a chicken sausage. It was about all I could stand. Later I ate some reheated Mexican rice and now I am sitting up awake slightly hungry but uninterested in anything we have available to eat.

I am also irritable about things that normally wouldn’t bother me or haven’t really forced their way to the surface. My husband, for example, a lot of times does not clean up the kitchen after cooking. Tonight this bothered me. I tried to say so in a kind way but I need to be more assertive. It is important to me the dishes get washed every night and night’s he works since I am off of work I don’t mind cleaning up after him but he should definitely do it the nights he is at home. Be assertive.

Anyway, as I sit awake I am hopeful but I don’t count anything as for certain. I am just hoping this time passes quickly and we can get to Monday where I will test and from there know whether I am starting the race again or at the finish line finally hoisting my positive pregnancy test.

All I know is right now I don’t want to do much but rest, watch Dynasty reruns and eat something that I have yet to discover.

| 0 Comments Tagged 22, Cycle, Day, Spotter, Symptom, Symptom Spotting, Trying To Conceive, TTC, Two, Two Week Wait, Wait

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